A teacher from my school passed away yesterday - he taught flute and was the director of the wind and percussion instrument section; he always helped me when I was having trouble with anything, plus he was probably one of like five or six teachers there who actually gave a fuck about me - and in fact, he never even was my teacher! He almost looked like a James Bond villain; bald with a beard, black coat - I always found that really funny and charming. Now, death sucks, of course, but this is probably the first one in a long while that actually shook me a lot, mostly because of how unexpected it was. He was about 60, and apparently had cancer for a while, which suddenly got terribly bad last week, and he even starved himself for the last five days of his life. My (non-school) choir conductor told me he looked absolutely horrible for those last few days; scary to hear!
Recently I've been having trouble falling asleep because of - and that's typical of me - overthinking sad things, being scared of things like time passing by, growing old, and especially getting seriously ill and dying. I just keep thinking about death, and suddenly one of the most innocent men I've ever known passes away because of cancer - one of my worst fears, definitely! Another thing that pains me - as childish as it is - is how, well, although I'm only 20 years old... I keep thinking about how I'll never be 15 or 16 ever again, obviously. I'll turn 21, then 22, then soon enough 30, which could be half of my life already... then 40... of course, somewhere along the line my loved ones (grandparents, then parents and family in general) will pass away. Yeah lol I know this is obvious shit, but my problem is... I've come to terms with all of this when I was like, 13 or so, which was when I first started having sad thoughts each night, and now suddenly all of that is back and way, way worse, for some reason.
I'm working on an album, I was very excited about finishing it over my gap year (now) before going to university, but... it feels almost like all of my inspiration has faded away, and it's going so insanely slow right now. All is not lost, of course, I've still got a few months and I do believe I'll get it right, but... I'm also wasting so much time, and I hate it! I'm a bit of a workaholic, and what's going on now just... sucks. Yeah, those are sorta first world problems, lol... I'm just kinda worried if my mental health is fucking up, because come on! It's retarded, why am I not as happy-go-lucky as literally anyone else?