Well, today, I felt particularly bad, and I remembered, all of this, it already happened, a year ago, at the same date, how bad I was feeling, empty, dead inside, alone, goalless.
Re readed my post of the 21 may and above, I was feeling so bad that I even wanted to leave the internet, but I never said anything to anybody.
I even forgot how bad I felt to focus on the work I had to do at this time. It was exam time. Amazing how different I was back there, and how much I have changed in a year, even in two.
but to come back on what I was saying, when I had finished with all the work, I found myself with nothing to do, and nothing to care about, the vacation came, and I was really a cadaver, because, really, what are we without a goal ? So I wandered two months, doing nothing, neglecting myself, in a zombie state, I was falling in the "Dark Side", without even noticing it, I'm only aware of that right now, everything happened without me being even conscious of it ! And then the month of August came, and with it probably the much intense part of the year for me, (Yep I almost died because I was infected by an unknown virus who killed some people in my town and driving directly most of its inhabitants at the hospital, ask me if you want to know more about this shit. I also had to make a travel with the temperatures varying between 12°c and 34°c in the day without me being fully rested of the virus)
So, the month began normally, (calm before the storm) and then, the company of electricity announced an undetermined time strike because of them being not longer handle the expenditure that the material was representing, finding myself with unstable energy, with some days with it and others total blackout. It feels like... Chaos.
Then the RD came, being extremely probably the apogee of the zombie me.
And after some days I encountered what was going to change me and my existence, for the first time I had felt love, it is unexplainable, everything it does to you, for me it was really like an electric shock, a defibrillator, it got me completely changed, in a week, I was transformed, I was not longer neglecting myself, I was spending my time doing productive things, coding, designing my helmet, and I cut my hairs, which I haven't done in 3 months back then.
But wasn't only good, it brought its batch of torments, strange dreams, insomnia....
I was longer only thinking about her....
Well thus hasn't changed.
And then became the
Virus bloody thing, I really thought it was the end, but at least I had something, a reason to hold on.
In addition, that month, someone quite probably tried to rob my house, but it was successfully handled, that case didn't arranged the insomnia as you can guess.
Thus brought me in a constant hunt like fear and paranoia, I pretty scary to see....
Leaving me in a dilemma, either face my humanity, and face that part of me, or either destroy it to become what I was again.
I choosed my human part.
For a new thing to emerge the old has to be destroyed life feeds on death heh, these are probably the most adequate words to describe what followed, it was slow and painful, I did things I regretted, like, screwing everything and in the most pathetic way two, maybe even three times
with the reason of my change, but I realize thus really made me grow up, I came out of this more mature.
I started to write The Code, to follow it, to become a better person.
The overall is that while I thought falling in love made me depressive,it in fact revealed who I am and pretty much forced me to deal with the problems I left on my side, actually making me get out of that shit, I'm better than last year at the same date, and not the opposite, as I always thought.
And I have learned a little bit about the one I love, we are pretty much the same kind of person, well, at least I think we both want the same thing, and while I was thinking I don't longer have any chances with her I realize she cannot have legitimately rejected me because I never really said what was the extent of my feels.
TL;DR
That statement really came up to be good, I feel a lot better, and I am a better person than I was last year finally.
