Rayman Pirate-Community

Well this its my first finished Fanfic,a little short and i finished it like 2 mins ago

First of all, to the guys who dindt play Rayman 2,These are the lums:

Yellow Lums: Its Knowledge
Red Lums: Life
Blue Lums: Air
Purple: They keep things visible and solid.

Sorry if it is bad...

Chapter 1: Something bad...

- Rayman was very tired after some Rabbids pursued him...He wanted to rest, but him dindt know that something was happening in the Heart of the World...

-So this is the Heart of the World...Thinked a very evil guy... Maybe if i touch it...
Him was pure evil,He touched the Heart of the World...The Heart of the World turned black...It turned evil...

-Now its time for Polokus...Thinked the evil guy...

After some time...

-What you re' doing here!?,Screamed Polokus at that evil guy...
-It's time to end your world...Said that evil guy...
That evil guy touched Polokus hand...
-Ray-man... wi-will sa-sa-save us....Polokus was getting weaker...

-I dont think so,old guy.Said that evil guy...

Rayman...We need your help...

-Who said that!?,said Rayman,a little scared...

-Its me,Ly...
-You re' inside my head!? I'll save you!!,i
think i will need a knife...

-Uh? Im telepatic talking to you!, Said Ly,inside Rayman's head...

-Ooohh...Okaaay...

-I'll teleport you to Polokus...

A portal opened, Rayman jumped in...

-Polokus? What is happening to you?...

-Rayman....The Lums are separating...Fast...The Great Lum...You need to get it...to make everything go back to normal...

-Where is that?... Said Rayman,with a worried face...

Polokus dindt answer,him got asleep again,The Four Masks dissapeared...


Chapter 2: What is happening?...

Rayman was confused,him dindt know what was happening...A portal opened, Rayman jumped to it...Him was in the Candy Chateau.

-So, we meet again... Said that evil guy..
-Dark...Rayman?... Said Rayman with a confused face...
-After you defeated my Master...Mr.Dark, I wanted revenge... Said Dark Rayman...
-But, revenge dont gonna bring Mr.Dark back!, Said Rayman,with a angry face...
-And?, I dont care,i just wanna kill the creatures you love...
-And kill yourself too?...
-That something i haven't planned,but i know something... Without Blue Lums,creatures cant breath, Without Red,they die,Without Silver, you lose your powers,without Yellow,they become idiots,and without Purple,nothing its visible or solid,that can cause a end to life. Understand it? its simple. Said Dark Rayman,while walking arround Rayman
-That will never happen! Said Rayman with a furious face.
-Then lets see!...This is your end,and the en of your world!

Dark Rayman opened a black portal,Dark R. pushed Rayman into it,Rayman feeled that Dark Rayman can hurt someone with only touching it...

Rayman,very scared,was in the Cave of Bad Dreams again...

-You again!?...Said the Guardian of that place,Jano.
-Uuuh...Hi Jano...-Said Rayman,very scared
-What you want now...
-I need to go back to The Dream Forest...Something is happening!
-Theres some portal over there!

Rayman looked, it was a bone bridge,leading to a very dark cave where something was waiting for him...Rayman started to walk tought the bridge...

After some time...

-YOU!? Said some Dark thing
-Mr.Dark!?- Said Rayman with a impressed face
-Die!- Mr.Dark throwed a magic ball, itr was something like fire...

Rayman evaded it,grabbed Mr.Dark and throwed him out of the cave, Him falled into lots of souls,making him drown...

-I killed Mr.Dark... -Said Rayman...

Rayman then jumped into the portal, a green portal...When the portal finished taking him to the Dream Forest,it was horrible....

-What is happening...

All the trees started to dissapear, The creatures was getting weak...

-Globox! Are you okay? -Said Rayman with a happy face
-I dont know...*cough* I cant breath so much...Do you think that pizza i eated was so old?
-No,something its happening...All the Lums are separating...-Said Rayman...
-Do something-Take my sons to a safe place.
-What!? they are over 600! Dont worry,i do something!


Chapter 3: Ly's death...
''I need to get The Great Lum...Do you know where it is?''
''I dont know what you re talking about...''Replied Globox.

Suddenly, Rayman seen some images of The Great Lum in his mind...

''I know now! The highest part of Blue Mountains!'' Said Rayman...
''Good Luck...'' Replied Globox...

''Ly! Maybe i can get some info from her!!!'' Thinked Rayman...

Rayman walked a long distance...Just to find a big door...

''This door leads to a palace of a fairy, but you cant pass until you find three objects,One,A Statue of a snake,Two,A scarf who a Guardian used and Three... a hat of another fairy,who name starts with B...'' Was carved in the door,with three holes where something should be put...

''A statue?...of a snake?...'' Said Rayman,seeing at the door ''Razoff!! theres a statue of Ssssam!''

Rayman walked a long distance...again.
When him was about to take the statue...a dart hitted just in the ''O'' of his torso...

''Arrgh...Razoff?..''
''Criminal!!! You are stealing my statues!!!'' Said Razoff...very angry...
''Better i ruuuuuun!!!!!''

A long pursuit later...

''Uff...'' Rayman was very tired after that... he putted the statue in the door...''A scarf of a guardian?...My scarf!...Its in my house!''

Another long distance later...

''HEY! WHERE IS MY HOUSE!?'' Screamed Rayman...''Oh but the scarf is there!'' Rayman taked the scarf

Another long distance later...

Rayman putted the scarf in the door... ''A hat of a fairy?...Betilla!''

''Ha,Im lucky,Betilla's house its just near this palace.''

After taking it...Rayman putted the hat in the door...it opened...

''Ly?'' Said Rayman very confused,seeing that Ly suit marks was getting red...
''Rayman...Ugh...Run....'' Said Ly...
''What is happening to you?...Your voice....Its weird...''
''Aaaaargh!!!!'' Ly throwed fire at Rayman, burning its hair a bit...
''OUCH! Ly...I dont wanna fight you...'' Said Rayman in his combat stance
''You will not fight!? coward!'' Screamed Ly,its hair was getting red...
''Sorry Ly'' Rayman charged at maximum his two fists, and attacked Ly...''

Ly turned back to normal...But she was almost dead...

''Thanks Rayman...''
''Did Dark Rayman this to you?''
''Goodbye...'' Said Ly with his last breath,and with a little smile in his face..
''Dark Rayman...You will pay for this!!!'' Rayman screamed,very angry...

After Rayman was out of the palace,he found a dirty paper:

''The Great Lum its a combination of all the Lums...It its able to control time and space,Theres two statues in front of it...One of a ''O'' and other of a ''X'' the O its only accesed by Rayman for good purposes and the X for Dark Rayman,for evil purposes,touching the O will erase any bad things that happened,and the X can destroy everything [The rest its blurry]''

''I need to get it...''

Chapter 4: A sad Hero.

''I dindt protect her...'' Said Rayman,walking in the night...

Suddenly, a White light was in front of Rayman,something like a White Lum...

''What the...What is this thing''
''Dont worry Rayman....'' Said that light...
''Thats Ly's voice...Ly?...''
''The Teensies,they can make you go to the Great Lum...''
''The Stone Circle...'' Said the Ly's Spirit
''It its miles away!!!''
''Theres a rocket! Bye...'' Said Ly's Spirit before leaving...
''Bye,WHAT!? A ROCKET!?''

The Yellow rocket started to pursuit Rayman,until it got tired,and Rayman jumped in it,making it run...

''To the Stone Circle,Rocket!'' Said Rayman,not sad now...

The rocket started to go faster,until something maked him go scared

''What its happening now?'' Said Rayman,very confused
''Hello lady'' Said Dark Rayman in a Red Rocket..
''You again!!!'' Said a very angry Rayman ''You will pay for killing Ly!!!''
''Yeah,i killed her,and what,you re angry?,OoOoh im scared!''
''JUST SHUT UP!'' Rayman shooted his fist at Dark Rayman,making him fall off the rocket
''You dont gonna escape!'' Dark Rayman shooted his fist at Rayman,making him fall off the rocket too

Rayman accidentaly hitted its head in a rock,making him faint....

Chapter 5: Dark Returns

Some hours later...

''Ahh..Where i am?'' Said Rayman
''You finally woke up...'' Said a never seen creature...
''AAAAH! WHAT ARE YOU!?'' Screamed Rayman, very impressed
''I am a Walking Fish'' Said the creature
''Uuuuh...Okay...''
''You was incounsious for like 6 hours...You head hurts?

Rayman touched his head and...

''OUCH!!! IT HURTS!'' Screamed Rayman
''Yep i knew it...Your head its hurt,soon you will have a Paralisis''

Then...

''Wha..Wha..I cant move...Ah! My head!''
''Then you will get uncounsious for like...1 week...Sleep well...'' Said the Walking fish,very calmed.
''Aaah...'' Rayman then fell uncounsious...

1 week later...

Rayman started dreaming...

''Rayman...'' Said a familiar voice
''You must get the Great Lum..''

Then Rayman woke up...

''Uuuh...1 Week!!! I must get The Great Lum!!!''
''Calm down...Do your head hurts now?...'' Said the W. Fish

Rayman touched his head again...

''No...''
''Then you can go...''
''Goodbye...Thanks for the help'' Said Rayman,a little happy...

Some traveling later...

''Finally in Blue Mountains...Well i dont think that theres anything dangerooooooooooooooouuuusss.....MR.DARK!? You are alive!?'' Said Rayman
''I have got my tricks. Your friends,Globox,Murphy,and everyone you love,are dead...'' Said Mr.Dark...
''WHAT!? NO! YOU WILL PAY!!!''
''I dindt do it.If you want to fight,then get ready.''

Thats all i can do for now


Chapter 6: Final Fight!

Rayman tried to to hit Mr.Dark with his fist,but he teleported behind Rayman And shooted some magic...

''AARGH!'' Rayman screamed of pain,then he shoot his fists...
''Ungh!...You have to train more Rayman!'' Mr.Dark shooted again a fire magic ball...
''AAAAH!'' Rayman fell to the ground...Exhausted....
''Well,this is the end i think...Why fighting?...Everyone are dead...The world its getting destroyed...But...Maybe...'' Rayman started thinking...Looking at his surroundings...
''That spike...'' Rayman shooted at the spike and it fell
''Wow!'' Mr.Dark evaded the spike but him fell from the mountain...And grabbed a Purple Lum with his hand...

Suddenly,Rayman's ''O'' in his torso started sparkling,draining Mr.Dark's energy

''Ahh!Im going to fall!''Said Mr.Dark,with worried eyes...
''Out of tricks?'' Said Rayman standing up
''I dont think i got a trick for this...See you later friend...'' Said Mr.Dark,stoping grabbing the Purple lum with his hand,he falled down...
''Friend?...'' Rayman said,cofused...

Rayman started climbing the mountain,he was in the top of the mountain...He found Dark Rayman and The Great Lum...covered in a energy shield,almost touching the ''X'' Statue...

''Noo!'' Rayman pushed Dark Rayman...
''Oh you came here...So,you want The Great Lum?...Fight for it then...'' Said Dark Rayman in his combat stance....

A fist to fist fight started....Rayman punched lots of times Dark Rayman, and Dark Rayman punched lots of times Rayman...

''*gasp* You killed everyone!!!'' Rayman punched Dark Rayman again...

Dark Rayman walked closer to Rayman,and touched his head...

''AAAAGH NIUUUUNGH!!! AAARGH!!!'' Rayman fell to the ground and started feeling horrible pain,started losing all his energy...And powers...

''AAAGH!!! MY POWERS!! AGGH!!'' Screamed Rayman
''Its over...'' Dark Rayman started touching Rayman's head with more strength...
''AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!! ARGH! Ugh...Noo...'' Rayman closed his eyes...He was dead...
''Okay...Now its time for the world'' Dark Rayman started walking slowly to the ''X'' statue...

Suddenly,time freezed,lots of White Lums (Spirits) was arround the dead body of Rayman...

''He's dead?...No...Rayman,Wake up!'' Said Globox's Spirit...
''Calm down Globox...Im sad about this too...'' Said Ly's spirit...
''What we gonna do? The world its finished!..Rayman! please! Stand up!'' Said the Teensie King's Spirit...
''Maybe...If we give him our energy...We can wake him up...'' Said Murphy's (or Murfy's) Spirit...

All the spirits gave energy to Rayman...And the time continued...

''What!? Im alive!? WOOOHOOO!'' Said Rayman,standing up again...
''Now,beat Dark Rayman...Your fist now its so much strong now...'' Said Ly's Spirit...
''Get him! Rayman! you can do it!'' Said Globox Spirit...

Dark Rayman heard the voices...

''You are alive!?...''
''Common...Do you think its so easy to kill me?...Good night!'' Rayman punched Dark Rayman...Making him faint...

Suddenly,Rayman's ''O'' started sparkling and iluminating...A lighting connected Rayman to the ''O'' Statue...And...Boom!...

Rayman opened his eyes...He was in Dream Forest again...Everething was normal...

''What?...It worked?...LY! ITS SHE ALIVE!? GLOBOX TOO!?

Rayman started running to Ly's palace...

''Ly you are alive!'' Said Rayman
''What you are talking about Rayman?...'' Said Ly...Confused
''Wha...I...Nothing'' Rayman leaved...

Globox was walking arround with The Teensies and all Rayman friend's...

''Hi Globox'' Said Rayman
''Hi,Wanna come to Band Land?'' Said Globox
''No,im going to take a nap'' Said Rayman,Walking away
''Okay, Bye!'' Said Globox

Some walking later...

''So this never happened....Well...Im tired...'' Rayman fall asleep...

The End...

Hope you like it

Well its ok .... but i dont think writing fics is for you - it was a bit random and it didnt flow, but dont worry - you'l get there

Urgg,you hurt my feelings ... Well it was the first try,now im making another one,in RaymanZone

I've read it. I didn't really like it though. The main problem is simply that you just say the events that happen. You need to add more to the storyline, like the feelings of your characters, background information ( for example, what did happen with Dark Rayman between the ending of Rayman 1 and this story ), detailed descriptions of the area's Rayman visits, and so on.

Good luck, practice makes art I would say, so don't give up.

Joshua822 wrote:I've read it. I didn't really like it though. The main problem is simply that you just say the events that happen. You need to add more to the storyline, like the feelings of your characters, background information ( for example, what did happen with Dark Rayman between the ending of Rayman 1 and this story ), detailed descriptions of the area's Rayman visits, and so on.

Good luck, practice makes art I would say, so don't give up.

This. Also, don't lay out your story like a script, that's lazy writing.

Dammit i suck with s of shet.

Scripts are like the worst ways you can write fanfiction. Do you even read books? If you really wanna be in the fanfiction game I strongly suggest that you read some proper stories [eh Harry Potter], and then get a spellchecker [this applies for when you type in Spanish as well!!].

Yeh i understood it,Requesting lock plz... :(

Yeh i understood it,Requesting lock plz...

There's no need to lock this thread. I have a proposition for you, rewrite your fan fiction with our critics in mind and post it here. Let us help you become a better writer

Again, practice makes art. There's absolutely no one that can do something good when they first try it. The only reason why artists make such beautiful art is because they practice, practice and practice. Don't forget that.

*Inspiration Moment :P*

Well thats the same way i learned to draw,well im still needing some practice but Meh.

Joshua822 wrote: There's absolutely no one that can do something good when they first try it.

Well, in some cases, but it doesn't happen too often.

Thanks Dango. ¬_¬'

You're welcome!