Fortunately, he knew he had a problem, and after he got into a fight with his mother, he told himself he would quit for a week. Being with him during said week was heaven, he was way more together and productive and could never wait to start recording his music at my place. He said that he didn't even think about smoking once that week. We established what good friends we were.
On the sixth day, he told me he would celebrate being one week sober with a fat joint. I asked him why he wanted to if he already told me he didn't even care about it anymore, and he didn't really give me a straight answer. I wasn't very pleased, but I figured it couldn't hurt too much seeing as he'd learnt his lesson. But of course, he hadn't learnt a thing, he went right back to smoking daily, only now it's worse because he's fooled himself into thinking that the week abolished all his sins, and now, rather than acting submissive when being told he's smoking too much, he gets incredibly abrasive and tells you that his newly-established pattern of only smoking with close friends (as opposed to smoking in order to make friends like before) has put him perfectly under control. I've made a rule stating that he's not allowed to smoke at my place, though once or twice I've let that rule slide if I felt like doing it too.
Tonight couldn't have been a worse demonstration of his 'self-control'. I told him I'd pick him up from his place to come over for recording after one of my lessons at 9:15 PM. Before I leave (at 8:45), I call him to reconfirm, and he picks up, completely stoned. I tell him I'll be there in half an hour and that he better be sober by the time we get back to my place. To my surprise, he's mostly sober when I arrive and I tell him to get in. He then tells me we're going to his friend's house to smoke some more, and I told him absolutely not - the last three times he promised to record, he ended up falling asleep high on my couch just so he can wake up in the morning and have me drive him to work. Then he tells me that his friend is here and needs a ride home anyway (his place was on the way so I figured I'd drop him off). When we get there, one of them discovers there's a joint they didn't know they had, and when they pull it out, they all cheer, high-five and start smoking it. Then they're all sitting in my car absolutely fucked, and wanted to head to McDonald's. Despite my annoyance, I agree, as I was also hungry having not eaten anything since some noodles at lunch. When we get back to his place, they all sat in my car, and my friend, having heard of my recent change in mind regarding my gender issue, starts talking about it in the car and making jokes - About two years back, I'd made it clear to him that he needed to cut the jokes, and I ended up hitting him over the head with my keyboard when he wouldn't shut up, which made me freak out. This is the first time jokes have been made since then, likely because I brought up my personal feelings to him last night (he told me how much he respected me at the time for doing that). I made it obvious I wasn't amused, and in his high state, he made the argument "it's a joke, I love you, I don't mean it" (obviously missing out on the idea that if someone tells you to stop, you stop). More start coming: "I may be insecure with my pot, but at least I'm not so insecure I have to change my gender!!" - I tell him he's way more insecure than I am given that he actually thinks my transition is a big enough deal to warrant him making an actual big deal about it by joking about it. He cuts me off with "I'm not the pussy, you are, because you're a woman, so you can shut up, bitch!" - at that point I tell his friend to get out of the car and that we're leaving. During the drive home I started crying again (twice in two days); surely he must have noticed, unless he was too fucked up, as I heard him snickering at seemingly nothing a few times in the back seat.
When we got back, he held up his promise by doing a bit of recording, but only for like half an hour, then he became so useless I ended up recording his guitar part for him. No apology or acknowledgement yet - I figured he might have felt bad and was too nervous to speak, until he said a second later that he forgot all of his stuff including his steel-toed boots at his friend's place, and that I'd have to drive all the way there to pick them up before I drive him to his work which starts at 7 AM.
And here I am typing this out on my phone, lying beside my friend because the electricion who's supposed to be installing new outlets in my room cancelled four separate times and everything in there is unplugged, meaning I can't work on the music productions I'm already being horribly underpaid for (seriously, $75 for the whole song, when I've only just spent six hours working on the first minute?) As well as my homework, which I need to get into the audio school I'm aiming at. My friend also, while asleep, just spilled his chocolate milk all over my phone, table and carpet, and he wouldn't respond with anything more than a grunt when I shook him; I just spent the last fifteen minutes scrubbing it all out - thank fuck Galaxy S5s are waterproof. I'm such a pushover - but no wonder, it's all I've ever known, and me deciding to be overly abrasive online at times is basically my shitty way of making up for it. Recieving raging death threats over the phone from queerphobes is more than enough, I don't need one of my best friends who evidently takes me for granted making feel so utterly unwelcome, it's horrible, I feel like a used rag, and it only adds to the cesspool of other shit things I've had to/am currently dealing with. I just cut myself on purpose for the first time about five minutes ago, it cleared my head slightly. I try to channel every single thing into art as much as I can, but this is too much, I wish I could just teleport to surreal mountaintop with nothing but the stars and ocean in sight, just so I could have a chance to breathe - I'm almost crying yet again trying to type here.
Even though I generally abhor physical contact, I'd want nothing more right now.Jewish Candy wrote:Ohhhh, Ad. I just want to hug you right now.
Like said, it's different - usually guys will have good, interesting conversations, get along well and have fun together, they can be just as inseparable. I can't imagine you - or myself for that matter - would be satisfied with only that, because the way the brain works, it seeks something slightly different. I'm good with having both, absolutely, but I'm sick of having had to conform to being someone I'm not solely. People won't see you the right way unless you're like them in more ways than one.Jewish Candy wrote:(As an aside, the whole male friendship thing is something I'd always suspected, and always hoped wasn't actually the case.)
I'm sorry you're feeling that way. The one thing I'll say is that, as you get older and branch out of your old social groups through living your own life, you will meet a whole load of new people and with them discover a whole spectrum of different relationships. You're literally on the cusp of doing that if it hasn't begun already. But yeah, it's painful to have that sense of loneliness, I feel for you.
