Something Bothering you?/Daily Doldrums

[Rayfist]

What the hell are you getting at? I'm not sure how that makes me satanic, lol

[DandyGuy]

What the hell are you getting at? I'm not sure how that makes me satanic, lol

> just browse the newest page, enjoy.
Perpare your anus. The front page is hell. KeK

[Rayfist]

Ah that's what you're saying kek.

[Cairnie]

LOL I never go on the front page, never had done for like the whole 13 years I've been a member on DA. Still, looking up Rayman is like digging for gold I suppose; you get the odd gold in a whole pile of dirt.

Comments though, mostly made little or no sense or are just like one word or emoticon. Nothing special.

[Shrooblord]

The only comments I've ever had and seen were things like "Wow so cool" or "I liked your lighting but the left leg is a bit off". But I'm sure some parts of the comment sections are a cesspool. There's always those parts around.

And if you mean what people are drawing; well you know, it's a site where you can upload whatever you like. Of course there's gonna be stuff in there that you're not charmed by. But hey - others are! And dA has allowed me to find some brilliant, brilliant artists like J. Slattum. If you'll take a look at my favourites in my Galery, you'll see I've done some specific picture hunting the past few times I've been on dA, only to end up with accidentally an incredibly thematically organised favourites page because there's so much good stuff out there so I keep adding everything I like to my faves.

[Keane]

Lately I've been feeling completely useless, and I can't find comfort in anything anymore. Days have actually been better than they may have been in months, but there's a severe lack of purpose. Not an identity crisis, just a growing apathetic feeling towards things as a whole. As if though now that I don't really have anything that's bringing me down, it's starting to hit how everything that I consider enjoyable is just time wasting but without boredom. It's such unbelievable fucking bullshit that people are trying to put it as "well at your age you're just waiting for the real years of your life to start", like it's somehow supposed to be acceptable that things are how they are.

I've wasted the entire past two years, if not more, on just building the slightest sense of confidence and kicking out the self-hatred. It wasn't productive, it was fucking worthless. And now all the anxiety and everything is out the door, and there's still nothing I can do. At least with anxiety there's a bittersweet comfort in it all: Being able to sit at home all day feels like a moment of relief that way. But now the realisation kicks in ever so much more: My life is literally a nonstop cycle of going to school, coming home and sort of playing a game that I'm only half interested in, and it repeats. I can work for a drivers license, and then I can go out and...eat dinner by myself, or some shit like that. I can sign up for some hobby and it'll be fun, but I've lost any sense of inspiration for being imaginative or creative. I'm done with sitting out time, or expecting the future to hold better things, It's meaningless bullshit people feed each other to remain believing that as long as we just keep on going, eventually things will somehow improve. Hearing "and maybe you'll just walk into the right people at the right time" doesn't sound good when I was being told that shit two years ago and now the already pathetically small social life I had then has shrunk even more.

I've stopped trying to like people I just don't, my last friend moved out, my brother is out working, so all in all, now it's just me and my parents. For Christ's sake, I've regained my accent because I never have a reason to talk in English anymore. I'm just sort of awkwardly here, living my life with no one acknowledging that it's even really happening. It's not about not knowing what purpose I have, it's about having a purpose in the first place. I've just been living this completely wasteful life, and I'm expected to sit through another two fucking years of it. Again, at least with anxiety there I was making myself believe I actually had things to achieve: That if I focused intensely on looking good, then eventually It would pay off. But now I don't feel the energy to do anything anymore, because working my ass off to achieve the slightest thing gets rewarded with a mix of disappoint and more useless advice that holds no substance to help me cope with it.

I don't want to do it any longer. I don't want to sit in this chair a year from now and type up the same nonsense, knowing that a year from then I'll be doing it again. I've waited and hoped and expected and tried and everything, it's not gonna fucking change. It's like all people do is get hit by a shitfest of negativity, and we get to choose between bitterly accepting it or pulling the plug on it ourselves. And for me, it's like a strange bet on whether I ought to pull that plug and end it all unhappy, or stick around longer with the risk of eventually doing it anyway with even more unhappiness.

Video games helped me a lot, but considering all of my friends who are into gaming live very far away, it didn't help me to become more sociable IRL (although I did online which is still something). You are lucky that you are from US since there are many gamers there. Finding gamers like you and other RPC members in country where I live is same as finding a needle in a haystack. People just don't game here in general. It's just part of the mentality of the whole nation. They prefer nightlife and parties in crowded places instead, which is something I am not a fan of.

Don't try and delude yourself into thinking there's a certain person/place/thing that's not in your reach. Of course it makes perfect sense to want to find friendship through similar interests, but at the same time you also don't want to dream up some perfect situation where the similar taste guarantees good friendship.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to bring you down or discourage you at all, I'm just saying that it's best not to feel like there's this Utopian community of people you would get along with and you just aren't in the right spot to come across it. I've changed schools, literally moved across the world and signed up for countless online communities and it all left me disappointed (Well, excluding RPC). The root of the problem was that I was going into everything with a "I just need to find the right location and then everyone will be different" mindset. Cheesy as it sounds, the "needle in a haystack" problem is something you need to tackle, not try to escape from, because it'll just follow you around and sting even more when it shows up again.

TL;DR I'm still a lonely piece of shit, but being able to confidently face the issue is already a large step on itself.

[Rayfist]

Don't try and delude yourself into thinking there's a certain person/place/thing that's not in your reach. Of course it makes perfect sense to want to find friendship through similar interests, but at the same time you also don't want to dream up some perfect situation where the similar taste guarantees good friendship.

Me and OCG have talked back to back and I can guarantee you he would be a lot more accepted here and more social. OCG lives in a country that hardly gives much of a shit for videogames. I'm not saying OCG should set his expectations too high, I'm just saying he'd likely be more accepted here.

Comments though, mostly made little or no sense or are just like one word or emoticon. Nothing special.

Deviant Art is legitimate cringe. The root of all the terrible, annoying fandoms always spawn from that website or tumblr.
Of course you're going to have people tell you "OH WELL YOU CAN IGNORE IT", of course we can, but regardless we'll always come across it and be reminded how dreadful the website is.
It's just an awful website if you're looking to improve. It's filled with really strange people. I remember Haruka was requested to draw some really weird fetish pictures for someone. Of course I can't blame Haruka, we all need money, but these people who commission there are just legitimately strange. I really advise some of these people ask what to do with these obsessions and try to improve. I've got nothing wrong with few fetishes- furries, vore, whatever. But some people just legitimately cross the line to such an ungodly fetish. Deviantart is a literal fetish website, that's all there is to it. It's understandable some of these fetishes aren't harmful, but these people are full of surprises you never know what will happen next.

For example, a Sonic fan who had a massive crush on Amy Rose is now jailed for molesting and raping 3 young kids, I'm serious, it's honestly disgusting. Sometimes these horrid 'fantasies' aren't enough for them so they take it to the next level.

Note: I still browse DA now and then because there are some REALLY good artists, few on this website especially. I may be over exaggerating my distaste for the people on the site but I've been exposed to some really awful things.

[Shrooblord]

Hey Keane. It seems to me you are focussing a lot on all of the bad things in life and dismissing all of the good things as 'just not as bad things'. Why do you do that to yourself, man? Of course we all have ups and downs. I've felt shitty at times, but there are times I'm legitimately incredibly happy. I'm not saying that to make you jealous or shit on your depression or god knows what. I'm saying that because from your post I gather that you have completely abandoned everything that at one point made you happy, enthousiastic, inspired - as you put it - by life. Maybe your interests have changed? Go find out if there's something new that will spike your excitement. Then come back to your original hobbies after a while and you will learn to appreciate them once more.

You really don't have to beat yourself down like you do. You say you only see an endless downwards spiral ahead of you with only the slightest possibility for it to stabalise and not go downwards further. Why can't you see it going up too? Why don't you allow yourself to see that it may, if you let it? Of course life won't hand you things on a silver platter. Simply 'being there at the right time and meeting the right people' is just a thing people say to simplify what really goes on: life gives you an opportunity; these people have gathered at this one place maybe out of pure coincidence. But because they were all there at the same time, they found out they really liked each other and suddenly a great friendship was born. Was this because they were at the right place with the right people at the right time? In essence, yes. But more importantly, they seized the opportunity life threw at them: they went out to that pub and they were open towards each other, ready to introduce each other into their lives.

You find your current hobbies wear you down? Find new ones. You suggest this yourself but say that you won't find another hobby or that it will be just another one of those things that becomes routine and makes you sad. You're dismissing any sort of new enjoyment you may find before you even look for it properly.

I'm sad reading your posts because I feel I cannot accurately aid you in your problem. Maybe it's not my place to either. But I hope to trigger something in you with these questions, which are sometimes deliberately prying and provocative - at least maybe you'll think about what you're doing to yourself by hating everything in life because it may disappoint you before you give it a chance to not disappoint you. You're in a self-perpetuating negative spiral and you've just gotta break out of it. I understand that's not something that's easily done. But it's gotta happen man.

[Keane]

Hey Keane. It seems to me you are focussing a lot on all of the bad things in life and dismissing all of the good things as 'just not as bad things'. Why do you do that to yourself, man? Of course we all have ups and downs. I've felt shitty at times, but there are times I'm legitimately incredibly happy. I'm not saying that to make you jealous or shit on your depression or god knows what. I'm saying that because from your post I gather that you have completely abandoned everything that at one point made you happy, enthousiastic, inspired - as you put it - by life. Maybe your interests have changed? Go find out if there's something new that will spike your excitement. Then come back to your original hobbies after a while and you will learn to appreciate them once more.

Well yeah, you're absolutely right, there's plenty good moments. Like I said, things have been better than ever lately, and ever since I got out of the deeply anxious period I've regained a lot of appreciation for the things I wasn't paying attention to anymore. The problem I can't rid myself of though, is that whenever I'm enjoying myself I eventually hit a point where suddenly I grow extremely anxious again because I don't want it to end and fall back into my lesser moments, which is exactly what was going on earlier when I wrote all of this. It's a bit more complicated than I'm putting it, but all in all it's a very strange cycle of happiness that keeps coming and dropping.

You really don't have to beat yourself down like you do. You say you only see an endless downwards spiral ahead of you with only the slightest possibility for it to stabalise and not go downwards further. Why can't you see it going up too? Why don't you allow yourself to see that it may, if you let it? Of course life won't hand you things on a silver platter. Simply 'being there at the right time and meeting the right people' is just a thing people say to simplify what really goes on: life gives you an opportunity; these people have gathered at this one place maybe out of pure coincidence. But because they were all there at the same time, they found out they really liked each other and suddenly a great friendship was born. Was this because they were at the right place with the right people at the right time? In essence, yes. But more importantly, they seized the opportunity life threw at them: they went out to that pub and they were open towards each other, ready to introduce each other into their lives.

I agree, and that's the mindset I encourage myself to have. But it's growing increasingly difficult to keep it up when I have such a long history of it failing, as I mentioned in my reply to OCG. The entirety of 2013 and most of 2014 I spend on trying every last thing to meet people from moving to switching schools to signing up for a new hobby to counseling sessions to joining online communities. Read every last article about friendship and how to get it, asked so many people for advice, tried to be open to anything, and well, now I'm even lonelier than I was at the start of it all. I see it happening to my mother too, who's been depending on the rest of the family for all her social interaction for like, what, six years now? She's not trying anymore either, and I don't blame her, you stop expecting good results, it's almost inevitable. I know I shouldn't be trying to drown myself in negativity, but what am I supposed to do? Sign up for yet another thing, wait for yet another school to come along, or another bunch of counseling? Like buying lottery tickets: Eventually you stop purchasing them because you might as well save the money you invest on it.

You find your current hobbies wear you down? Find new ones. You suggest this yourself but say that you won't find another hobby or that it will be just another one of those things that becomes routine and makes you sad. You're dismissing any sort of new enjoyment you may find before you even look for it properly.

Nah, I just worded it kinda poorly. I'm still very loyal to my hobbies and I'd love to see it all go somewhere, but every time I try to make something happen my mind just goes sort of blank.

I'm sad reading your posts because I feel I cannot accurately aid you in your problem. Maybe it's not my place to either. But I hope to trigger something in you with these questions, which are sometimes deliberately prying and provocative - at least maybe you'll think about what you're doing to yourself by hating everything in life because it may disappoint you before you give it a chance to not disappoint you. You're in a self-perpetuating negative spiral and you've just gotta break out of it. I understand that's not something that's easily done. But it's gotta happen man.

That's why I posted it here, and I appreciate it man. At the end of the day, I just think I need something to give a chance at all.

[Shrooblord]

Maybe you've been incredibly unlucky and have never met those people that would become your true friends. Maybe you just need to keep searching. Your jouney sounds like one of great hardship, but I wonder how much you open yourself up to potential friends. If you close yourself up for people the instant you meet them (not saying you do, but let's pretend), they're gonna be pushed away. I was once in contact with a really depressed girl who kept saying things like that she'd just push me away and therefore didn't want to stay around me for the sole reason that she feared she'd push me away. I told her that if there was anything about her that I disliked, I'd go away on my own accord and that she shouldn't be actively pushing me away because there may be a chance that I don't go away on my own accord (and pushing me away would then ruin whatever it was we had going on).
Eventually I've stopped seeing her, because all she did was push me away. Self-fulfilling prophecy.

It's good that you've tried and tried and I think you should keep trying. Not seminars or meetings or talk groups per se - those sound weird - but places you by nature like going to; the park, your local pub, an arcade, you know - places you enjoy hanging out. It's exactly there where you'll find friends, because if you're where you like being, and they're where they like being, then you've obviously got a connection and you may hit that treasured spark of friendship. But it won't come immediately (well maybe it will) - how many people do I meet in a day? How many of them do I actually get a chance to talk to, to interact with, to find out whether or not they're my sort of people? Not a lot. And then less of that lot ends up being people I enjoy being with.

It's not a matter of random chance entirely and it's not that you're at the helm in full control either. It's a combination of the two - there's a lot of random chance involved, but in the end, you (and your potential friend!) are the one that's got to steer your lives to meet each other (sometimes without even realising it heh).

Good luck Keane! Keep on smiling and enjoying whatever it is you like doing. If you're feeling extremely down, just take each day on a day by day basis and take it easy. Give your head some time to clear. Go outside! Even if it's only for a half an hour walk, that's good. I don't know how much you're cooped up inside, but being indoors 24/7 is very bad for all animals. I cannot detail exactly what it does, but it makes all of us go batshit crazy the more time passes. And sleep and eat well. These sound like asinine advices, the thing you'd generally hear when advocating good health and all that, but it's true. If your body's out of balance, your mind will be as well.

[Jewish Candy]

Like I said, things have been better than ever lately, and ever since I got out of the deeply anxious period I've regained a lot of appreciation for the things I wasn't paying attention to anymore. The problem I can't rid myself of though, is that whenever I'm enjoying myself I eventually hit a point where suddenly I grow extremely anxious again because I don't want it to end and fall back into my lesser moments, which is exactly what was going on earlier when I wrote all of this. It's a bit more complicated than I'm putting it, but all in all it's a very strange cycle of happiness that keeps coming and dropping.

That kind of cycling is really difficult, and it must be exhausting for you, especially since you're aware of it. It's hard when you're on a low to envisage yourself feeling differently - further, to even see feeling differently as valid or accurate. The fact that you are able to find happiness, even if it's fleeting, is a great acheivement though. Hold onto those moments, nurture them, and remember that they are real - and that if they seem out of reach, they will come round again.

I know I shouldn't be trying to drown myself in negativity, but what am I supposed to do? Sign up for yet another thing, wait for yet another school to come along, or another bunch of counseling? Like buying lottery tickets: Eventually you stop purchasing them because you might as well save the money you invest on it.

I'm still very loyal to my hobbies and I'd love to see it all go somewhere, but every time I try to make something happen my mind just goes sort of blank.

When I get blocks like that or when everything feels like too much, I try to do things for myself which aren't totally necessary, but are nice, easy and as cheap as possible. For me personally that's drinking tea, spending time with my babies, going for walks - "go for a walk" can be such a patronising, dismissive piece of advice, so please don't take it like that!* The reason I recommend this sort of break activity is threefold. Doing something cheap or ideally free should be obvious, it means you don't feel guilty about spending money on something 'frivolous' - this can also be extended to other sorts of resources like time if that is a concern. Doing something easy, by which I mean completed in a small number of simple, familiar steps, can help to ease the brain back into effective executive functioning if it's struggling to compute other tasks. Doing something nice for yourself is self-care, plain and simple, and when your brain feels safe and loved it is better able to focus on the tasks you want it to focus on. I'm suggesting this because from what you describe you're experiencing something of an executive function overload. Not a cure-all, but it could make things a bit easier, as well as perhaps providing you with some side-hobbies. When you feel better, you might even find them helpful in meeting new people.

At the end of the day, I just think I need something to give a chance at all.

And I know you will, Keane, because even if right now you can't see these past few years as productive, you've managed a hell of a lot. You're self-aware, honest with yourself about what you need to do, and brave enough to be honest with us too. That's more than most humans. I never declare that things will 'get better with time', but I have every faith in you.

*Eheheh, not counting Shroob of course

[Xenon]

Are you learning to drive? You mentioned the possibility of getting a licence, which suggests to me you've yet to start learning. I'd definitely recommend it if it's financially viable to you and of course if you're old enough.

Also, how about joining a gym? That's definitely going to be a good way to boost self-confidence, and it'll improve your health and appearance as well. There's some pretty cheap memberships out there but if you're unsure about committing, it's often easy to find taster deals or trials, where you can actually join for free for a limited period of time to see if it's right for you.

Finally, do you have a part time or weekend job? Apologies if I missed that already. If you don't, I would seriously recommend researching some local jobs in your area, even if you have educational commitments. Having that extra something on your mind can alleviate that sullen bored feeling you're experiencing which doubtlessly fuels your depressed feelings.

In my opinion, these three things are the most fundamental in unlocking that gateway to social freedom, even if they seem somewhat irrelevant to your issues. Your lugubrious tone suggests you've been given a lot of similar advice (I suspect you've had these suggestions before too), but seriously, if you're not doing any single one of these things, I would really suggest doing so, or at least experimenting, as they will help provide one of the most important traits a human can boast: confidence.

[saerleiya]

Ah, the damn spiral of 'I feel like I'm wasting my time doing unproductive things, and I want to do productive ones, but it's hard to kick my on ass..."

Your posts actually made me smile, Keane, because I'm experimenting this A LOT! Right now, it's less than before, but it happens for a longer period of time: usually, every year, for a period of two or three months, I would spend my time only playing video games and doing things I consider not being 'very' productive (watching videos, eating, staying at home doing pretty much nothing...).
First, as Shrooblord said, keep an eye on your daily habits, sleep schedule, and food: it's not the biggest issue most of the time, but one or two hours less of sleep every night can be very detrimental.
As an expert of 'massive non-productive periods', here are a few advices to take care of the issue:

1) Is your school-life boring? It's the most important thing here: if you feel you are wasting time at home and are angry at it, it can also be because your day at school wasn't very interesting, so you feel that in compensation the rest of your day HAS to be productive in some kind of way...which isn't always the case.
I'm tellnig you this because I've had the same feeling over the last few weeks at work. I was in a period of transition between two projects and I hadn't as much 'interesting' work as before, making me feel that my days at the office were kinda wasted. And I was getting angry at myself pretty fast in the evening because of that.

2) As said Candish, to start anew on the way to productivity, it's like everything (sports, games, thinking, etc...): start little. Do not rush yourself. Take your time in whatever you are starting. Patience helps you not to be burnt out about something and then not getting angry because you felt it as unproductive. If you are starting something over again, don't get angry in doing so: it's better to take your time again and not rushing it. It will come back faster eventually.
I always liked what one of my math teachers told me 6 years ago : "There is no useless work or wasted time. You simply think you could be more efficient with it. So try to be".

3) Shrooblord gave this one too, but I'll rephrase it with my own words: you need to be opportunistic and not be afraid to try and fail new things, especially when they are proposed by your surroundings. Okay, maybe you don't have a lot of friends. But if your social anxiety is almost gone, then you should try to ask for some help in everything you are not comfortable with. It's hard to ask people you don't know at all. Believe me, I've also done that a lot. But eventually, you will step upon a situation here or there where you may have the opportunity to find something nice to do, or friends to make.

Today, I went to work late because of buses which weren't there at all. I arrived around 9:40 where I'm usually arriving at 8:20. But it was okay. I actually had a very busy day, doing things left and right, hitting my head against my desk because of calculation sheets I had trouble to understand, and finished around 6:30. I felt pretty good about this day as I hadn't been bored at all. Back at home, I cleaned up some dust, did the laundry, and hang up a poster I should have hung up for more than a month already. I even started painting something for my brother, which I should have had made for over a month too.

And I had been in this state of anger, not being able to do anything I deemed productive for several weeks already. A good day of work happened to trigger the reverse effect. Sometimes, you will simply come across the trigger you need to get back on track. It doesn't happen everytime, but you can't being yourself down by thinking it won't happen, or that it(s only on yourself.


Damn, it's going nowhere now. I'm trying to help, but I'm feeling a bit weird because I solved this kind of issue once again today for my part. Anyway, good luck for your own fight against 'good-but-not-enough' existence. It's a hell of a fight, I can assure you . But like the phoenix, you will rise againt from your ashes and roast boredom with a great flame of creativeness and motivation.

[Keane]

I'm gonna respond to the next bunch later because it's starting to get late and I think my tiredness might have caused a bit of mindless rambling in my response to shroobie.

pushing away potential lads

I think I'm doing good in that aspect, and I've thrown out a lot of prejudices regarding what "type" of person I ought to be spending time with. I never really think of it was trying to find a group to fit in with, more just meeting different people in general. That's what makes RPC incredibly attractive: Tons of diversity in personalities, and no feeling of needing to express certain views/opinions/interests in order to fit in.

going places

Yeah, and that's what I want to do, but it's difficult in this area. I live in a very recent and still growing place where nothing is designed to be reached without a car. Unlike the Netherlands where you can find a nice spot that's got everything together, here you've mostly got small chunks of stores and things largely spread out. In other words, a car is an absolute necessity.

Even then though, I find that kind of thing hard. I've been to some coffee places or managed to get myself in a mall, but there's not really kind of clear opportunity that I could take on, nor do I really see any way to be open towards other people. We're all minding our own business, and it's not like some Starbucks ad where strangers start asking each other what coffee they're gonna order. But seriously though, I have no fucking clue where to go or where I even can go, and when you're already not someone who clicks with the majority of folks they meet, trying to rely on an amount of luck to both be in a situation where I actually get to talk to someone and they also happen to be someone I really get along with feels like donating to a kickstarter project going "to be released somewhere between june 2015 and june 2019".

I remember talking about this with my friend a long while ago. We both had shitty social lives, and it makes you feel like maybe you're picky or something, but we both came to the conclusion that most people just didn't have the...I don't know, way of doing. There's a certain understanding of how we do our things that I just can't find anywhere else, and even though I can be a bit of an obscure piece of a shit at times, he'll find comedy in it or something, and that's how it goes for me as well. I had a lot of contacts a few years back, and, well, he's the only one that stuck around for another 2 years and never really wanted to end the friendship either.

health

I make sure to keep my healthy habits up, though you're probably right about getting some fresh air.

[Snagglebee]

Sorry to interrupt the discussion once again, but I need to say that I had an argue with one of them some days ago and I told her my opinion and how I feel and then finally dumped her. I feel so much better and overall I feel really glad I did that. I wish that my life will never ever cross paths with theirs again..... or at least not in the next few months, while I still have my anger. That's the original post if you can't follow:

I'm tired and I am just sad and angry. Day after day there grows such a hate against people who I thought where my friends. I will feel always tracked down while I'm on the internet.
Do you want to know why? For almost over a year they have been tricking and fooling me and lied infront of my face without I even noticed. One day, they told me I'm their friends and all was just going on well. But then the day after, you were just jackshit to them or you were treated like a complete stranger. Explain me, how could you could you not stay calm, if it turns out that you were trying to be friends with fucking two-faced liars?!
Worst part is that always trying to find a way to offense me. The worst kind of people are those who lie on being friends. I bet you can all agree that false friends are worse than every other normal foe you got.

This is catches one really hard and it will make you really upset and angry once you figure it out and I can only wish for everyone not to go through the same I did.

Becareful with who you hold your friendship!!!

[Jewish Candy]

What does it mean for your ancestors to be a people that you are not? What does it mean to be a tourist whose heritage is a tourist attraction? My family is not to blame. There was no one choice. Each individual decision, on its own merit, in its own context, was correct. I respect those decisions and honour those who made them, because they made the right ones.

I once thought I could take back what had been surrendered. I wanted to embrace that part of me. Even knowing the bloody history, the bloody present reality, I couldnt understand why we had abandoned it as fully as we did. Now, at last, I do.

I think of those for whom the thinness of assimilation is borne long through the generations. Those whose loss of identity was/is destructive, whose scars will not heal. I am very, very lucky. My whiteness is assured. It was gained quickly, inevitably, quietly. I have nothing to mourn, no wounds to tend to. Just the responsibility of any outsider.

[Dark Lum Lord]

you mind elaborating more on the problem(s) that you're facing? I remember hearing bits and pieces of it, and being reminded of myself by a lot of what you've said/felt, but I was also going through a sort of awkward identity crisis period and never actually got to say anything very useful.

It's extremely difficult for me to explain my problems unless I'm at a breaking point. But I can try. I might go look for some previous writings first, though.

[Dark Lum Lord]

I feel like I'm not even a shell of the person who I once was. Just a flake, wedged between a crack; I've tried getting help but the counselors just dangle the floss in front of my face and expect me to climb out by myself. It's not going to happen. And I struggle to even explain this to them because my social skills and thinking patterns have deteriorated so much: I'm just a running drop of grey watercolor paint drowning in too much water. I never have energy and when I do it's only temporary, and I still have trouble paying attention in those cases. My life is going nowhere and I'm doing nothing to stop it. Every single day is the same.

[DandyGuy]

I think you should read "Tao Ching" You will have an idea at least of who you are. And solve quite a few problems.

[Keane]

Not exactly anything that bothers me, but here's something interesting:

To put it shortly: My 20 year old brother is an extremely insecure person but at the same time also narcissistic and self-centered. He looks down on everyone including my parents and especially me, and usually expresses that by trying to offend us or convince us or make us feel inferior to him. That worked on me a few years ago, but now whenever I talk to him he just has this atmosphere of insecurity and like he's completely broken but he doesn't even realise it himself. I'd feel bad for him, but I don't have that in me when he comes into my room just to ridicule me and treat me like shit.

Anyway, he's got himself a 34 year old girlfriend who may or may not be attempting to steal his money. Heh. In order to make this girl fancy him, he's trying to fake his personality and wants to rid himself of anything that shows a possible hint of not fitting with his fake "I'm masculine and confident" image. It's the saddest sight to behold.

Now here's the deal: He gets pissy with me because even though I'm that mindless idiot, I never let him live in his deluded bullshit. He has no concept of reality at times and when things get serious I try to warn him, but of course he doesn't listen, which is how he wasted a thousand dollars on a failed move to the netherlands only to go "oh, i guess you had a point." But with this, I'm not sure what to do. Maybe the woman is legitimately liking him, but there's tons of factors pointing towards her realising that he'll do anything she says, and that eventually she's going to trick him into handing over money or have sex or something.

She already got him to pay her rent after just four weeks of knowing each other and he doesn't even seem to care much if she pays it back or not. He already knows what I think and that my parents agree, but he's once again refusing to take any advice. Then earlier today he came in to childishly brag about his "girlfriend" while holding a lecture about how if I ever wanted to achieve that too, I'd better start dropping those games and that music. It's just comedy to me to hear him talk about Radiohead ruining a relationship, but again, the way he put it is just so degrading. So what do I do from here? I know everything about his insecurities and I can completely kill his image of me and maybe make him realise how stupid he's being, or I can let him do this relationship thing and risk that he at some point comes home with "she stole 1500 dollars" or something like that. I don't want that to happen to him, but on the other hand, he might just need a big slap of reality. I don't hate my brother, and I know he has the potential to actually grow into a likable person, I just don't know what is gonna get him there.

I feel like I'm not even a shell of the person who I once was. Just a flake, wedged between a crack;

Try to embrace a change in personality. At your age you're starting to enter the most deep years of puberty, and you're gonna change a lot. I'm willing to bet that when you're 16 you'll probably think of you now as a different person, and again when you're 18. While this may be a very angst-ridden stage, it can also introduce new forms of maturity and confidence.

I'm not really sure how to explain, but, you'll grow to learn how to better approach things one by one and when to approach them. At neither your or my age should it ever be expected that you're a fully defined person with a clear purpose and everything developed to its fullest extend. Right now is the period where we're just figuring shit out, making sense of things when you might not be entirely capable of it. Someone who's actually past that stage might be able to explain it more clearly.

I've tried getting help but the counselors just dangle the floss in front of my face and expect me to climb out by myself. It's not going to happen. And I struggle to even explain this to them because my social skills and thinking patterns have deteriorated so much: I'm just a running drop of grey watercolor paint drowning in too much water.

A counselor can never solve the issue, only be a listening ear and hopefully offer advice that'll hopefully open your mind to something you might have overlooked. At the end of the day, there is no clear solution to your problem. At school though, things may seem worse because you're surrounded by people who don't seem to be lacking anything at all or may even seem almost carefree at times.

I never have energy and when I do it's only temporary, and I still have trouble paying attention in those cases. My life is going nowhere and I'm doing nothing to stop it. Every single day is the same.

You're blaming yourself for something that's you don't have much control over. I really dislike putting in it this way, but these years are more of a preparation for everything that comes afterwards. But that doesn't have to be a bad thing: You can take this time to really explore yourself, and get to the root of things, so when the time comes that life really starts to take its major turns, you know where to go. Especially with what I mentioned about changing often during the next few years, that'll really grow to become a relevant topic. I can feel myself growing ever closer to understanding who and what I want to be, and how I'm going to spend my life, and you will too.

And just because you're not in the prime time of your life, doesn't mean it has to suck. Take things slowly and remember that your problems aren't infecting everything. Sometimes there's nothing wrong with pushing all the problems away for a little while and just learning to have a good day. As I mentioned in an earlier post, whenever I'm in a good mood it eventually turns into anxiety of that mood going away. Don't fall into that habit, and instead try and appreciate things while they're happening. TL;DR, simple fun isn't a distraction unless you treat it as that.