Something Bothering you?/Daily Doldrums

[Acarr]

I disagree with Acarr. The vast, vast majority of people are able to control their intake of alcohol, and it's an excellent tool for debilitating your nerves. I've used it before to get through tricky situations, not gonna lie. And I don't think Keane is underage, although I could be wrong.

Yeah but it's not like you can drink in school... and people with mental illness can have problems with alcohol abuse, I think in these situations actually going out of your way to see a doctor is better!

[incognito]

I disagree with Acarr. The vast, vast majority of people are able to control their intake of alcohol.

I'm the perfect example.

Yeah but it's not like you can drink in school... and people with mental problems can have problems with alcohol abuse.

Also true....

[anaphasiia]

It only won't help if you end up relying on it. If you don't rely on it, it will help. Maybe he isn't a person to naturally rely on things. But if he is, then he has to put work in not to rely on it. Like with any form of therapy, you obviously have to do some work yourself. Just because there's this social guilt associated with altering your state of mind doesn't mean you failing to properly use therapy that includes it is the therapy's fault.

and people with mental illness can have problems with alcohol abuse,

Well like I said before too, if Keane's issues are mostly social ones, then he wouldn't have a reason to abuse alcohol outside of a social situation. And also like I said, if he isn't really social in the first place, he's not going to be in many social situations. It's going from none, to a few now and then.

I think in these situations actually going out of your way to see a doctor is better!

A good psychologist is the best option. But, a lot of psychologist aren't good, and sometimes you waste a lot of money on mediocre one after mediocre one. That happened to me, and that wild goose chase was even more demotivating than before I started. Again, if you haven't tried one, it would be a good idea to. But it might not just be unluckiness causing so many not to work, it's maybe you're just an unusual patient and many don't know how to work with you. It could be one of those, or both.

[Xenon]

I think in these situations actually going out of your way to see a doctor is better!

Yeah, I wouldn't recommend it over some specialist, prescribed medication, but it can be a handy little friend to have. I guess Keane is the only one who knows whether it could work for his personal situation, but at least reading the thread will let him realise it helps for some

[Acarr]

Yeah, I don't really know Keane's personal situation and if you're struggling with mental illness there are other options, such as anti-depressants, therapy and talking to loved ones or self-help through other means than drinking like hobbies. It's just figuring out what's best for you. I know from a personal level that alcohol can help with nerves and confidence etc. but I don't want to say it's something to recommend before exhausting other options. :/

[Itooh]

I would still recommend to be careful with alcohol. True there is a lot of people who can handle it, but the amount of people who can't shouldn't be neglected. I'm not saying to not try, just that it is important to be aware of its danger.
Just for the experience, I have an uncle that tried relatively recently to kill himself because of his dependence of alcohol. And he wasn't alcoholic, neither (apparently) depressive (actually he usually is a joyful guy). He just had a tendency to drink a lot, without having or causing any problems with that, until that night where he hesitated to jump over a window.
So yeah, alcohol can be helpful, but, there are risks that should be known.

In my case, it's not really. I sure spend great times with it, but it has a stupid effect on my social issues: it makes me completely passive about it. Usually, I'm anxious because I have difficulties to express myself, but I still try. On alcohol… I just don't care. Talking to people? What for, they only listen to themself! Sure, if the subject is interesting, or I'm asked, why not. But now, I'll just listen as I always do, and enjoy it. :3
It's still good times (and let's be honest: there are some people with which I speak waaaay more than others, simply because they talk about subjects that I care about), but I'm not sure I'm making real social progress… Well, I practically don't talk, but I don't feel bad about it, so it's a plus I guess.

[Keane]

I'm not going to drink my problems away guys. I get what Anaph is trying to say, but I'm underage, living with parents who think taking a beer can is equal to injecting heroine. I don't have anywhere to drink anyway, unless you want me to start downing beers before school. I've decided I'll pick up drinking once I'm at the age + actually feel emotionally stable enough for it, based off of how when this whole situation originally started I became obese and then struggled immensely to lose it all. When I'm busy being absorbed by my feely shit I still have the urge to pile up on food, I'm probably exactly the kinda person who'd pull stupid shit with alcohol. As for any drugs, I've considered getting into LSD and marijuana but, I dunno, nothings ever convinced me to really want it enough to get it.

I side with Acarr and want to just exhaust whatever other options I have, but it's all a bit shit: I want to get my drivers license, but I won't be able to even borrow a car. I want to sign up for some stuff out of the house, but just trying to force myself into social situations hasn't proven itself as an effective method. I'd try to contact some more professional help, but there's no way I can do it without my parents getting involved and preferably I'd like to just keep them completely unaware of the whole thing. See what I mean?

I'm sure if I was mentally in a better state I could just fix the shit out of this myself, but I need opportunities. I talk to people, I'm around people, but I'm not connecting to anyone or feeling like there even is someone I would necessarily want to connect with. I don't like putting it this way because it sounds edgy as hell, but I'm a pretty weird motherfucker, I obviously don't perceive things the way people around me do, and I don't really fit anywhere.

i'll shorten my responses from now

[Acarr]

I think you just need a good friend. Are you trying to join a group of friends, because you don't need to try and connect to all of them at once. Do you have an old best friend or anything to try and re-connect with?

I'd try to contact some more professional help, but there's no way I can do it without my parents getting involved and preferably I'd like to just keep them completely unaware of the whole thing.

That's shitty.

[Serza5]

Since i've been dropping hints about my bad state of mental health and the fact that I couldn't sleep because of them yet again I thought i'd talk about it here since it also gives me chance to lay everything about it down.

First off is that i've said that this has been going on for as long as i've been at uni, not exactly, as in the exact circumstances aren't the same but all boils down to the same issue i've had that is still here today; I have little to no self confidence.

As to what started this fine state of mind I am not entirely sure about, nor do I believe it to be too relevant to the current circumstance which i'm in now. For those that haven't followed me I am currently un-employed, I graduated from University from a Games Development course with the 2nd highest reward possible in the degree. Naturally what I should be doing is going out to find a job right? Nope. While attempts have been made to write a CV (Which I do have 70% completed) and to look up certain jobs I can work in i'm not moving past the mindset of "I do not feel ready to work, I do not feel accomplished enough or good enough to be able to be in a working environment".

But because I am in this mindset and this is me we're talking here it doesn't entirely stop there. When it comes to my self confidence issues in general as opposed to just getting on with things I overtly beat myself up (Not physically just as a quick fyi, out of these 4 years i've only ever had thoughts of physical harm) for that and anything else relating to that. For instance I would beat myself up literally because I have that mindset, it also happens when I am doing anything else and I shout at myself for not doing what I should be doing, I also like to give myself casual reminders that I do not value myself, that I think of myself as un important among other similar thoughts.

You can probably guess at this point that what i've essentially done is instead of fixing my problem is dig myself a hole so deep that it becomes not near but close to impossible for me to do anything. This you could say is what I meant earlier in the second sentence, this is the self confidence mind set i've had to deal with in the last 4 years and i've not found any real way to remove this mindset but rather just fixing whatever's troubling me only to be met with this state again whenever something else that's troubling comes up.

But otherwise this is the point where I can't really gather thoughts into paragraphs so i'm just gonna make a few additional relevant notes on the matter :

• University itself has never been a reason to lose my self confidence. This only happened once where I had a professor who gave off this "Reach for perfection" aura about the work we had to do which rubbed off on me as "You will be perfect with this otherwise you're a disgrace".
• Most of my trouble around university centered around looking at friends and be jealous that they have friends much closer and much more important to them than I despite constant reminds they do find me important. This I have been getting around but I will not lie and say this is still there just no where near as bad anymore.
• My "Lack of self accomplishment" issue mostly derives from this idea that I don't feel I have produced anything great as of yet, partially in due to point #1 but not primarily.
• On a similar note when it comes to my actual accomplishments, including graduating I felt rather empty in regards to them. On the one hand I do acknowledge that they are great but on the other hand something fells missing (For lack of better terms) in regards to it.
• I still live with my parents, who until I broke down in front of them constantly kept annoying me about the idea of getting a job.
• On that note said break down came from not being able to do something my mum asked me to do. Break downs in general have been much worse here than they have been before.
• The following day from that I literally spend a good 3 hours doing exactly nothing but cry because I could not find something to do which didn't make me feel horrible, including eating.
• Sleep issues have only come around this time as well, with one exception which wasn't due to these sort of issues (Although did add to it).
• Although suggested I have never actually seen anyone professionally, because I always feel that this thing is just a "moment" instead of a full on issue.

Since that has been incredibly long a summary of all this is basically I have no self confidence and it has yet again dug me in a pit of depression only I have been handling it worse than usual.

[RibShark]

Hope you start feeling better soon Serza, depression sucks and is very difficult to break out of.

I'm actually feeling pretty rotten myself tonight, because part of my Aspergers is that I have some issues processing senses. What is harmless to most people can cause much more negative reactions in me. Some materials like silk are very unpleasant to me almost to the point of being painful. When I was younger, some things with sharp movements and certain soundtracks caused me to become very scared (such as the "you wouldn't steal a car" anti-piracy warnings) and while today a lot of these problems are more minor, I still struggle with them. The thing is, I can take myself away from most of these senses without consequence. If I don't like the feel of an object, I don't touch it; if I am overwhelmed by what I am seeing (loads of lights, or just certain often-weird videos), I leave the area with those lights, just stop watching or close my eyes; if the taste or texture of a food is very strong, I stop eating it. Unfortunately, I cannot remove myself from my sense that is most easily overwhelmed: hearing. This used to be a huge problem in school, loud noises from the rest of the class made me completely unable to focus and often made me shutdown completely. Some sounds actually make me feel ill, but mostly the problem is that I am just unable to focus on anything else while something loud is happening.

My problem is that someone down the street is having a party. Thankfully this doesn't happen often but when it does there is absolutely nothing I can do to remove myself from the sound. Sure, I could wear earplugs, but then I wouldn't be able to listen to any YouTube videos, or hear what people are saying. Just listening to it at the moment is making me very irritated and completely unable to focus, even though in all honesty the music isn't that loud, I still percieve it loudly. If they do not quieten down in a few hours I probably will not be able to sleep properly. When this happens I always seem to start feeling very angry at myself. I am the one who is unable to cope with this and I hate myself for wanting to get in the way of people who just want to have a good time. There is nothing I could possibly do to help myself cope without upsetting others and this just makes me feel like a bad person. I sometimes wish I was deaf, just so I don't have to cope with one more sense that gets in my way.

[incognito]

Hey, Serza, after reading your message I see you really have nothing to be affraid of, Perfection is not a goal, it is a point,

I graduated from University from a Games Development course with the 2nd highest reward possible in the degree.

You should really be happy about that, for a Slacker like me, it is perfection.

. While attempts have been made to write a CV (Which I do have 70% completed) .

And also never forget :

"I do not feel accomplished enough or good enough to be able to be in a working environment".

My experience : When repetitively thinking about your problems and about what you will have to face, you always think you will have to face your worst fears, and usually things are a lot easier that we thought.

[*] University itself has never been a reason to lose my self confidence. This only happened once where I had a professor who gave off this "Reach for perfection" aura about the work we had to do which rubbed off on me as "You will be perfect with this otherwise you're a disgrace".

Drill sergeant Hartman ?

[Acarr]

Serza, just think about the things that you have accomplished. You've graduated! That's not something a lot of people can do. And you're also on your way to finishing your cv. You get the opportunity to look for a job you know in your heart you're going to love because you were excited about being able to study the course you wanted to do. When you're worried about a particular job you want to apply for, try writing down a list of pros/cons about it and the answer should present itself.

[*] I still live with my parents, who until I broke down in front of them constantly kept annoying me about the idea of getting a job.

That's good that they stopped bugging you. Go at your own pace.

[*] Although suggested I have never actually seen anyone professionally, because I always feel that this thing is just a "moment" instead of a full on issue.[/list]

I feel like this isn't just a moment since it's been going on for years.


I have anxiety and I always feel panicky and nauseous but I try to push myself if I know I'm going to regret it. When I had depression, things were so hard and I felt so pathetic but I managed to get better. If you think about it, it took lots of little things to get sick, so it could take lots of little things to get better. Remember, there's no such thing as perfect. I wish I could be more helpful...

[Xenon]

@ Serza: Well, you've achieved far more than most so that's something to be happy about! I really look up to you in that way, as I chose to avoid university because I lacked the motivation/maturity/independence to be a student away from home after I finished education. Now I fecking wish I had a degree, as I'm 23 years old, have some idea of what kind of work I wanna do, but am faced with the prospect of 4 years of what feels like 'going back to the drawing board' just to get a qualification. And that's if I do end up going to uni. Hopefully you'll be able to take some confidence from my own doldrum, lol.

@ Ribshark: That's interesting, when I was younger I experienced similar sensory problems to the ones you described. I remember I could never deal with large vehicles passing nearby, or fireworks, and even to this day I have oversensitive teeth so I struggle to eat ice cream in big mouthfuls. I guess we differ in that the denotations weren't particularly bothersome to me (ie. the large truck itself wouldn't have concerned me).

[Pirez]

Serza, everybody that has freshly graduated feels like it's place is not in a working environment. Recruiters know this ^^

Also, you're in the "arts" industry. If the big boys club doesn't make you comfortable, you may always go on a more independant path which might suit you best. The only thing is, it's important to understand this and prioritize your needs while applying for jobs. Recruiters do not want S3R-Z4 the game-making robot who will dominate the other coworkers at rendering Mario's left nostril, they seek a human being, just like you seek a job that suits you.

[Serza5]

First off i'd like to say thanks to you all, half the reason I wanted to post it is because I knew i'd get loads of fine comments which always helps in itself.

"I do not feel accomplished enough or good enough to be able to be in a working environment".

My experience : When repetitively thinking about your problems and about what you will have to face, you always think you will have to face your worst fears, and usually things are a lot easier that we thought.

Hm certainly, the fear is that some employer would look at my CV and ask "the fuck is this bullshit", not that I believe employers are that mean (or at least most of them) but one thing I never talked about as much as I should is failure. Granted I talked about being perfect a lot but the fear of failure is something that'd more accurately describe my feelings. Some of my bigger break downs right before I even entered university was failing a good portion of my high school subjects, something admitably which still haunts me despite earning enough to enter uni. This I blame on my parents essentially because I grew up in the "you're the smartest one here" / "You need to be smart for the rest of us" atmosphere which I also suspect is the prime resource as to why i've developed such a complex.

Also I am not one for speaking formally so the interview aspect on it's own is gonna be a lot of fun.

You get the opportunity to look for a job you know in your heart you're going to love because you were excited about being able to study the course you wanted to do. When you're worried about a particular job you want to apply for, try writing down a list of pros/cons about it and the answer should present itself.

Heeeeeeh. Figuring out what job I even want to do is hard in itself. You'd think going into something like games you expect the jobs to not be so broad but they're fairly specific like physics engineer or whatever. There's also this one site that lists game specific jobs for graduates and 80% of those are for senior rolls which is just. When at uni I did do some specific courses but I can't say I have much of a preference but then again that makes me feel like I don't excel all that much in any of it.

[Acarr]

Employers always seem to want lots of experience which isn't very easy or possible for us young folk. I can't say much about games development, but I know there are companies that help younger people get started out in a career... Have you asked your uni about careers advice?


Also, for everyone who's concerned about shizz, I know there's a website called 7 cups of tea that gives free online counselling. I haven't used it myself, but I've heard it's helpful.

[Serza5]

I haven't really considered contact with my uni about this, and the only advice i've gotten was that site with all the fine senior jobs on my grad day. They said I could contact them through e-mail as well but it's like "nyeeeh" since i'm not sure what to say beyond "I am depressed and can't get myself to finish cv and do the jobs".

[Itooh]

Impostor syndrome seems to be common among developers. I myself have felt for a long time that I didn't belong in computing. That all my friends were really knowing what they were doing, and they talked about hundred of technologies I didn't know… In the end, I believed I was just imitating what was taught to me, and using group projects to have good grades. And I feared that when working on projects on my own, everybody would realize that “Hey, this guy isn't a real developer at all!”, even despite my degrees.
Turned out most of my employers appreciated my work, in the end. I still felt it was mediocre, but companies don't expect as much as I thought they do. And looking at the work of some of my colleagues (whom, by default, I assume are all true experts developers with skills far beyond mine), I've discovered that some are not that good, but still capable of working.
I still have some of those fears though. The fact that I don't like programming make me sometimes feel like an intruder, especially during conversations about development or technologies, that I find completely boring. Yes, it's also called “Programmer Syndrome”, and comes from the believing that programmers should love programming, even (especially) on their free time. That's completely wrong, and I'm aware of it, but I still worry a little about my place in this industry. Especially in regards to new technologies, on which I don't check enough. Might be a problem in a few years…

Anyway, seeking jobs can feel difficult with that, but I am pretty confident that you are more qualified than you think. Degrees are not given to anyone (despite the feeling that “all my friends had them too, so it's not hard at all”, neglecting the half of others classmates who didn't), and companies have generally low expectations comparing to schools' ones. In those conditions, getting fired because it turned out we're not good enough is quite rare when you know what the job is about. Of course, I'm only talking from experiences from me and my acquaintance, in software programming (even though one of my friends became game developer, hooray). But let's be optimistic for once.

So, I hope you'll soon escape from that crisis. Low self-confidence are hard to deal with, and impostor syndrome is not helping. But even if it's just a part of your issue, you can worry less about your ability to work in a professional environment. Feeling that you are not qualified enough to work in your domain of competence is almost normal!

[incognito]

First off i'd like to say thanks to you all, half the reason I wanted to post it is because I knew i'd get loads of fine comments which always helps in itself.

"I do not feel accomplished enough or good enough to be able to be in a working environment".

My experience : When repetitively thinking about your problems and about what you will have to face, you always think you will have to face your worst fears, and usually things are a lot easier that we thought.

Hm certainly, the fear is that some employer would look at my CV and ask "the fuck is this bullshit", not that I believe employers are that mean (or at least most of them) but one thing I never talked about as much as I should is failure. Granted I talked about being perfect a lot but the fear of failure is something that'd more accurately describe my feelings. Some of my bigger break downs right before I even entered university was failing a good portion of my high school subjects, something admitably which still haunts me despite earning enough to enter uni. This I blame on my parents essentially because I grew up in the "you're the smartest one here" / "You need to be smart for the rest of us" atmosphere which I also suspect is the prime resource as to why I've developed such a complex.

Aye aye, I understand that so well...
But hey Serza, YOU GRADUATED, for you it is done, over, school and learning is OVER, You won, I don't know if you are planning to have children someday but imagine that, someday your son/daughter will be in same mental state of yours right now, and you will explain things aren't so bad really.
You to a guy that is so relax that he drunk Vodka for exams.
And actually I was the best.

[Dart]

Really been feeling in the dumps lately, and it totally sucks cause I know all the problems but lack the confidence to take care of them all. My first issue is going to school for 6 days a week, which is an unprecedented burden. After that is my super demanding job, where they constantly demand I work more hours and are refusing my vacation day (that I requested a month ago) unless I get a replacement worker for the shift. On top of those I'm having to deal with the drama of having divorced parents and a sudden return to my depression that's got my consistently doubting myself.

I don't know why I'm depressed, I really don't. I have a good education, a job, and a pretty chill Mom; and yet the anxiety I get from my Father, managers, and peers is weighing on me by a shit ton. On top of that I'm behind (my personal) schedule for college apps and feel stupid because of that too.

I just want this point of my life to be over and done with so that I can be productive again.