Something Bothering you?/Daily Doldrums

[Master]

Gah, if we're talking about things that have been doing our nut in, I guess I could have a gander about how I had to deal with getting a driving instructor. Took a lot of ringing and Googling to find someone, and even then, I'm still waiting.

Who knew learning to drive would be such an exercise in aggravation.

[Keane]

Feeling a bit gutted lately about a couple things. First of course school is heading my way next week which is, fine and whatever, but as usual every year it's just kind of a reel of depressive moods over here. Not school itself necessarily, more just being a socially inept cunt and spending more time trying to look comfortable than actually being so. Last year was a marginal improvement in that area, but still I come home and just feel like a mass of discomfort slides off my shoulders and I settle into being fucked off for the rest of the day. I'm just not socially capable at all, I'm so calculating in conversation and I don't pick up social cues at all, and every year I feel like I'm growing a bigger gap between where I'm at and where I should be at, I can tell people around me are evolving and I'm just kind of endlessly stuck wondering if I should get an autism diagnosis or something.

But more specifically on my mind this year is that I'm graduating next summer, which I'm at least glad about because it forces me to get the fuck out of everything this current situation is and I'm moving too, back to the Netherlands probably. The problem is more I'm afraid that just leaving "this town and these people" is only half the problem, and really the biggest root of my problem is myself. Just moving my ass over to another country isn't going to solve me being an isolated shut-in, I'm not going to suddenly make connections I'm not right now.

So I'll dive in the deep and force myself to become an adult and get a job and then what? I need to study something but all job opportunities just look so fucking depressing to me, and I don't really have a certain interest or hobby that stirs me towards any direction. I'm seeing myself turn into my brother and just pick something to study just to study, and then I chain myself up to some job I don't give half a fuck for. I don't really care for money as long as I'm able to survive in a livable condition, don't really have any ambitions to "work myself up" to a certain position, but I'm too much of a pussy to try traveling for a while or something even though I'd love to.

It's just, I never see a way out of the whole thing. At the risk of sounding edgy, I feel like I'm trying to chase an experience that doesn't exist.

[incognito]

Well, I'm totally socially inept too, but at least I have learned to live with it, it doesn't bother me at all, I just stay here, listening and crack a joke when I have the occasion, but this is pretty much all(which makes me even more mysterious because no one knows anything about me). I also live with the rules of a code I wrote myself and that i expand over the time, many things changed in me since I wrote it, even if there is a constant infringement I'm digged in since a year. As a matter of fact I'm not really a talkative guy outside of a computer.
It is even for the better if you move and haven't established contact with anyone, that only mean you'll miss no one of that place you're living in. You're just affraid to admit you're a pariah, some people are just like that, there is nothing to do about that.
But if I had to sound vieux jeu, I would say that you're desperately in need of the company of someone of the opposite gender, to understand you and spend time with ya.

[Ambidextroid]

One of my close friends has distanced himself from our friend circle, and I'm worried that I may have been a part cause in that. He's always been somewhat "weird" as others would put it, constantly making off-putting jokes about sexual fetishes and memes and things. Very occasionally he would say something very hurtful to me, but I would just dismiss it as him not realising he was insulting me as much as he was, as he would say these things pretty much out of nowhere. He would constantly hold grudges about strange things like if I or someone else had incorrectly corrected a fact he said our misused a word, he would always bring it up later if we were having an argument. I also had a suspicion that he felt empowered whenever he used long/fancy words which is something that I personally disagree with, as one time he went on almost power-trip sort of thing using words nobody else understood and then explaining them to us, generally with the topic of his argument being old grudges like I had said before.
Most of the time I would just ignore most of this stuff as I thought if I told him what I thought he would probably be deeply insulted, but I had built up so much frustration, especially from when he would say such hypocritical things and put others down for things that aren't even flaws (for example, going on about how "easily entertained" one of my other friends was because he was playing a mobile game that happened to feature the youtuber pewdiepie) that I kind of wished I had never met him in a way, which just made me feel bad about myself as a person.
Eventually he just told us on Skype that he didn't get the same emotional support and stuff that he did with other friends and that he didn't feel as valued around us, but luckily I'm still in contact with him. I hope I can fix our friendship somewhat, but I never really seek emotional support and I'm happy having friends that I can have a laugh with, so it's hard to relate with him.

[incognito]

Dump that douche, friendship is overrated nowadays.

[Dart]

So I'll dive in the deep and force myself to become an adult and get a job and then what? I need to study something but all job opportunities just look so fucking depressing to me, and I don't really have a certain interest or hobby that stirs me towards any direction. I'm seeing myself turn into my brother and just pick something to study just to study, and then I chain myself up to some job I don't give half a fuck for. I don't really care for money as long as I'm able to survive in a livable condition, don't really have any ambitions to "work myself up" to a certain position, but I'm too much of a pussy to try traveling for a while or something even though I'd love to.

It's just, I never see a way out of the whole thing. At the risk of sounding edgy, I feel like I'm trying to chase an experience that doesn't exist.

Perhaps what you need when picking a career isn't a direction of ambition, but a direction of practicality. I've known a lot of people to take jobs based on the ease of labor or the paycheck of the job, and become satisfied with that even if they aren't inspired by the job itself.

One of my close friends has distanced himself from our friend circle, and I'm worried that I may have been a part cause in that. He's always been somewhat "weird" as others would put it, constantly making off-putting jokes about sexual fetishes and memes and things. Very occasionally he would say something very hurtful to me, but I would just dismiss it as him not realising he was insulting me as much as he was, as he would say these things pretty much out of nowhere. He would constantly hold grudges about strange things like if I or someone else had incorrectly corrected a fact he said our misused a word, he would always bring it up later if we were having an argument. I also had a suspicion that he felt empowered whenever he used long/fancy words which is something that I personally disagree with, as one time he went on almost power-trip sort of thing using words nobody else understood and then explaining them to us, generally with the topic of his argument being old grudges like I had said before.
Most of the time I would just ignore most of this stuff as I thought if I told him what I thought he would probably be deeply insulted, but I had built up so much frustration, especially from when he would say such hypocritical things and put others down for things that aren't even flaws (for example, going on about how "easily entertained" one of my other friends was because he was playing a mobile game that happened to feature the youtuber pewdiepie) that I kind of wished I had never met him in a way, which just made me feel bad about myself as a person.
Eventually he just told us on Skype that he didn't get the same emotional support and stuff that he did with other friends and that he didn't feel as valued around us, but luckily I'm still in contact with him. I hope I can fix our friendship somewhat, but I never really seek emotional support and I'm happy having friends that I can have a laugh with, so it's hard to relate with him.

There was someone like that in my group at school, he always got pissy when I made fun of Catholics despite it being okay for him to make fun of my Jewish background or would get mad if someone presented an opinion different from his own, which led to many verbal sparing between him and my best friend. Come to think of it, while most of us matured greatly during our time in high school, he seemed to actively resist it; and I don't mean it in the good way like how Walt Disney or Albert Einstein kept their childlike sense of humor and wonder despite being businessmen and scientists, I mean in the way of trying too hard to be cool and memey while making a fool of himself and throwing tantrums at the mere possibility of conflict.

After graduation most of our group began to pull away from him, some more sooner than others. I think most of us just realized he was too stubborn to change and grow up and decided he wasn't worth the trouble of keeping around after high school. It's regrettable, but life's just like that I guess.

Dump that douche, friendship is overrated nowadays.

[incognito]

After a life of constant betrayals and scumbags on your way you end up edgy and cold hearted.

[Hunchman801]

Dump that douche, friendship is overrated nowadays.

Well said, inco probably thinks he sounds cool as hell when posting stuff like that but all it does is make people laugh... or exasperate them.

After a life of constant betrayals and scumbags on your way you end up edgy and cold hearted.

What was I saying?

[Itooh]

Just moving my ass over to another country isn't going to solve me being an isolated shut-in, I'm not going to suddenly make connections I'm not right now.

Well, actually…
I've recently read an article stating that personality isn't something static, and it can change greatly according to context. The way the people see you around you define who you are. Moving allow you to change people (and culture) around you, and thus change yourself as well. We all have some masks that we put on on different situations. I've myself discovered that my personality is not the same when I talk English or French (“Language defines how you think!? No shit, Orwell!”).
Anyway, the article is Change Your Location, Change Your Life by Taylor Pearson, and it's a really good reading.

Now I'm not saying that you will miraculously become ultra assertive and become a completely different person. But you'll certainly change in some ways, and that might be a very good experience!

[incognito]

Some people's masks are heavier though, 3 lbs constantly on your head ends up hurting your neck.

[Dart]

I prefer masks that make your face bleed from the sins of your past!

[Pirez]

That's what I like about anime fans. They think this is cool.

[Master]

Just throw some Mighty No 9 at them, it brings the tears out, I'm told.

[Xenon]

Seems like you're a nice guy Ambi. You're willing to show support to someone who is clearly ostracising himself from you and your group. Maybe one day he will look back and value that, so I would say keep it up and let him respond to the ball that's now in his court.

[Dart]

That's what I like about anime fans. They think this is cool.

I hope you know I'm being facetious

Just throw some Mighty No 9 at them, it brings the tears out, I'm told.

So they say...

[Ambidextroid]

Seems like you're a nice guy Ambi. You're willing to show support to someone who is clearly ostracising himself from you and your group. Maybe one day he will look back and value that, so I would say keep it up and let him respond to the ball that's now in his court.

Thank you, though he's not as bad as I may have made him out to be. Those are just the bad bits, he's not my friend for no reason. Still, I'd rather him still be friends with us than leave him with a "lesson" if you see what I mean.

[Adsolution]

Just moving my ass over to another country isn't going to solve me being an isolated shut-in, I'm not going to suddenly make connections I'm not right now.

Like Itooh said, environment can have an unbelievable influence on you, assuming you're independent to some degree. If you live with your parents, you're capable of moving from one side of the world to another and hardly noticing a difference if all you do is stay indoors, aside from maybe having to re-learn how to flush the toilet. Social inhibitions are largely built by association, so going somewhere with fresh people, fresh scenery and a fresh working environment is, realistically, a very good thing to try. Like you said, travelling is a large endeavor, but the lifestyle you've been confined to clearly isn't making you any happier. Sooner than later, it's time to try something, something way less trivial than lying in bed and overthinking the last conversation you had with some guy.

A killer mistake is pretending to know how you'll think or feel in a situation you've never been in. You can make basic assumptions regarding your actions and outward expression based off of how good you are at controlling yourself, but you can't tell what will actually be going through your mind, and how you'll actually feel.

As a side-note, I would totally drive down there to visit you (I love going on long road trips, and why not), if I were allowed to go on long road trips by myself. Stupid, right? I'm sure I could talk my mother into it if I hammered the point home that driving is piss-easy (she doesn't drive, she's afraid) and she'd stop sending me pictures of newspaper articles talking about how stupid and irrational young drivers are, as if I'm stupid and irrational or something, and as if me saying that I'm not automatically means that I am.

That's a little doldrum of mine, an exceptionally ordinary one. It doesn't really bother me that much, because while she might be a massive retard about a lot of things (which is 100% her fault), I'm capable of being way more assertive about it if I wanted to be, and I'd rather try and win an unfair fight than complain about how unfair it is.

[Pirez]

That's what I like about anime fans. They think this is cool.

I hope you know I'm being facetious

You're just words on my screen. You can't know anything about that.

Just throw some Mighty No 9 at them, it brings the tears out, I'm told.

OH YOU JUST HAD TO BRING THAT UP, DIDN'T YOU??

[incognito]

You backed it up on kickstarter, deal with it.
What did Beck said already?
En avant

[Itooh]

You backed it up on kickstarter, deal with it.

Woah, he did?
Talk about an embarrassing secret.

*Itooh will remember that.*