Something Bothering you?/Daily Doldrums

[EdgyRabbid]

IDK, my mind is weird. Cant you tell?

[Greengoop]

Yeah, I could tell. I was slightly worried though!

[EdgyRabbid]

Worried about what exactly GreenGoop?

[Magelin]

I'm so sorry that happened to you, Edge. I hope you'll never see him again.
Also, you are very brave for speaking out to your mother.

[EdgyRabbid]

Thanks for the support everyone! Now I wonder how this would’ve gone if I was still non verbal..

[Adsolution]

I'm sorry to hear that Edge... I'm glad Rayman acts as such a good escape for you. It always did for me too - the Glade has a certain magic that helps keep us safe even during the most messed up moments of our lives

Okay goop: Heres what i mean by "Schools"

Mhm, my aunt was in a residential school, as was my ex-boyfriend's mom. My aunt was seemingly brain damaged from something that happened to her while in them (she was a very simple person as long as I've known her), and died 8 years ago or so from complications stemming from it. We'll never fully know what went on in a lot of them.

[EdgyRabbid]

Okay goop: Heres what i mean by "Schools"

Mhm, my aunt was in a residential school, as was my ex-boyfriend's mom. My aunt was seemingly brain damaged from something that happened to her while in them (she was a very simple person as long as I've known her), and died 8 years ago or so from complications stemming from it. We'll never fully know what went on in a lot of them.

Yeah. It’s Really unfortunate. My grandpa apparently wasn’t in one, but I do suspect one of his parents WAS. He so desperately wanted to share his culture with me and my siblings, and it’s one of the better parts of my childhood. L’ll never know, as I don’t think my grandpa really wants to talk about it.. and I will respect my grandpas wishes. But it still disgusts me.
———
Thanks for the support everyone… I guess after thay event the wires in my brain got reworked in some odd way that made me focus really hard on my hyper fixations. Im near the end of puberty so i suspect my Rayman crush just became a part of my brain and now it’s something very important to it. It’s like a lot of people online I’ve seen, especially fellow autistics. We tend to focus on weird stuff, I saw a guy who was in love with specifically giant pokemon! So autistic special interests can be really bizarre, especially after trauma. Maybe I will be stuck being in love with Rayman for the rest of my life, which some people tend to be turned off by. I was ditched by my old group of friends because he wasn’t attractive enough or something. Dumb reason but they weren’t good friends anyway. My dedication for Rayman is one of my biggest forces, and I guess that tends to scare people off. My friends always discribe me as loyal so I guess I am? But to a fictional character…

TLDR: Rayman crush is basically just a mix of trauma and autism. Go figure!

[Hunchman801]

Hell, I'm really sorry to hear that. I don't know if you can ever completely heal from that, but I hope you can recover little by little as time passes by!

[EdgyRabbid]

Thanks Hunch!

Also i finally have an update. He’s been arrested for the abuse of my siblings, not me tho. Not enough “evidence” or whatever. But I don’t care. My siblings got justice and I hope we can all heal together finally. The monsters gone.

[Magelin]

I’m scared for my future.
As a child, i was very creative and imaginative. And everyone appreciated me for that. I even was considered an “class artist” for some time period (ya know, classmates making you draw stuff for them, that kinda thing).
But, even though everybody loved me, i felt like i never found another person, who enjoyed the joy of creation, like i was. Sure, i hung around with other kids, but… I just never felt a “connection” to them. But also, i barely remember my childhood, so i don’t actually know for sure…
And that’s when younger me discovered internet. It was almost like a paradise. Everybody was so creative, and eager to share their work! I felt right at home. Not to mention, i absolutely loved to explore the web. Websites, Flash games, videos, it was all so new to me and, oh so exciting. Internet really was a best friend to me; whenever i felt upset, i could just watch a funny video off Youtube! And whenever i felt at ease, i could go play Animal Jam or something. Or appreciate some cool animation.
Yet… As time went on and on, internet became just another part of my life, and i just grew to be more detached from my peers. It was really hard for me to relate to them.. Um, i can’t really find the right words for this feeling, but i hope it’s understandable. Not to mention, all the time i could have spent on learning basic skills, went onto my internet usage..
And god. How i wish i could be normal. Have a normal childhood. Having… best friends, braiding each others hair, playing toys with each other..
Honestly, this is why i especially feel disconnected to other girls. I just never experienced all that. And, whenever i have to interact with another girl, i just feel like a wolf in sheep clothing. Like, am i really a girl..? Do i qualify as one? What do i need to do feel like i am one?
I wish i never discovered the internet.
So, i’m scared of the future. No friends, no basic skills, just… absolutely nothing. I don’t know how to do anything. Will i ever get a job? A special someone? Or just… someone? Can i really take care of myself, even? I’m so fuckin’ confused.
I’m sorry if this sounds very garbled, i’m kind of sobbing as i’m writing this. It’s really hard for me to write something this personal while trying not to cry.

[Rsandee]

I'm from a small town, not a lot of people with an open mind. I was very curious, I always wanted to learn more, do more, try more. I don't know what I would've become if it weren't for the internet. I started out as a troubled kid, maybe I would've lashed out at everything and done things I wasn't supposed to. My saving grace was my intelligence I guess. I hate showing off or talking about it, I learned during my childhood that's a very bad thing, mostly judging by the responses of people less confident in theirselves I guess. My dad would be gone for months on end, he was in the marine. My mom was left to raise my younger brother and me. Let's just say I was a handful until I discovered computers and computer games. Perhaps if I was born 10-20 years later, my mom would've left me with an iPad and that would've been it, but because these things didn't exist yet and I was left exploring the internet on my own (probably a mistake but if I wanted to do something nobody could stop me anyways, I'd find a way) I learned to be very handy with computers. My dad recognized how big computers would become so he was totally fine with it and even helped me out. Whenever he tried to apply the same methodology on let's say fixing a bike tire I wouldn't respond with the same enthousiasm, but as an adult I still have his mentality and work ethic regarding this stuff. My parents honestly did everything correctly, but they just couldn't handle me and I understand why. Once other instances get involved, like the school or other authorities (not the government hell no) it's like having too many cooks in the kitchen and they didn't know what to think or do with me either. I watched Queen's Gambit and the main character in that show really reminds me of myself. I try to see the best in myself and not latch onto what has been, and recognize I have a gift instead of trying to fit in like I've done for most of my life.

I'm posting this because ^ among others have said lines that also remind me of myself, and while I don't know any of you. I do want to say that if I somehow found my place in this world, and if I somehow got myself a good job and I'm capable of doing things I never saw myself doing when I was younger, then surely you will all completely shatter your own expectations as well. You'll find a way. This feeling and these situations don't last forever. Everything changes in life and that's probably the most difficult thing to accept or have to deal with, but this is the silver lining of it all. You burn but you can rise from the ashes.

By the way, ^ sounds like ^ is suffering from impostor syndrome a bit. That's good! Believe me, that's good! People that aren't invested, motivated, skillful or talented or just straight up honest with theirselves never get it. Only the people who mean well and mean what they say and do get it. The people who don't, simply don't give a sh!t enough to develop it.

[Hugo]

I’m scared for my future.

I already liked you a lot Magelin, but now I admire you even more for opening up like this.

You're cool, talented and amiable, and just seem totally in control. I never could have possibly guessed you had such feelings as you described. Most of us here are probably have an offbeat personality and may have had a similar experience to you. I could see some overlap with myself, but I think it is adds another layer of complexity if you're a girl.

Let me tell you, you have nothing to worry about with those things you desire. The future looks scary to anyone reading the news, but in terms of your personal potential, there is nothing to worry about. Your competency as a worker comes from your curiosity with the world, for example your art and coding. Creative people engage with reality in this way. And you are a lovely person, one of the most lovely people on RPC, which adds value to you as an employ and of course a "special someone." Just believe in yourself, because you're already making people believe in you.

[Greengoop]

I read your post, Magelin. I couldn’t imagine how tough it’d be to feel like nobody gets you, even at a young age when most people aren’t old enough to have complex emotions like yours.

Sometimes I yearn for a normal childhood too, but I then remember how many doors open up just because I’m like me. Unfortunately that means you have to fight all the negative doors that suck you into them, but trust me, it’s really worth the outcome.

Rsandee, your post reminds me of myself a lot in many senses, feeling like you have a great life that you can’t repay. And I’m with you on the lashing out thing, I’ve been acting angry and impulsive for years now.

Hugo, I 100% agree with your post.

[Pirez]

I’m scared for my future.
As a child, i was very creative and imaginative. And everyone appreciated me for that. I even was considered an “class artist” for some time period (ya know, classmates making you draw stuff for them, that kinda thing).
But, even though everybody loved me, i felt like i never found another person, who enjoyed the joy of creation, like i was. Sure, i hung around with other kids, but… I just never felt a “connection” to them. But also, i barely remember my childhood, so i don’t actually know for sure…
And that’s when younger me discovered internet. It was almost like a paradise. Everybody was so creative, and eager to share their work! I felt right at home. Not to mention, i absolutely loved to explore the web. Websites, Flash games, videos, it was all so new to me and, oh so exciting. Internet really was a best friend to me; whenever i felt upset, i could just watch a funny video off Youtube! And whenever i felt at ease, i could go play Animal Jam or something. Or appreciate some cool animation.
Yet… As time went on and on, internet became just another part of my life, and i just grew to be more detached from my peers. It was really hard for me to relate to them.. Um, i can’t really find the right words for this feeling, but i hope it’s understandable. Not to mention, all the time i could have spent on learning basic skills, went onto my internet usage..
And god. How i wish i could be normal. Have a normal childhood. Having… best friends, braiding each others hair, playing toys with each other..
Honestly, this is why i especially feel disconnected to other girls. I just never experienced all that. And, whenever i have to interact with another girl, i just feel like a wolf in sheep clothing. Like, am i really a girl..? Do i qualify as one? What do i need to do feel like i am one?
I wish i never discovered the internet.
So, i’m scared of the future. No friends, no basic skills, just… absolutely nothing. I don’t know how to do anything. Will i ever get a job? A special someone? Or just… someone? Can i really take care of myself, even? I’m so fuckin’ confused.
I’m sorry if this sounds very garbled, i’m kind of sobbing as i’m writing this. It’s really hard for me to write something this personal while trying not to cry.

It is hard to feel different to people. I've had that perception too when I was a teenager. That early internet era forums were my refuge but life had to go on. It's fair to note that I had a few friends during all stages of life but I always had the impression that they tolerated my presence more than they actually liked me. This includes the man I call my best friend, who went out of his way to make me the godfather of his child. Yet there are still days where I'm pondering if he doesn't do this out of obligation.

But then it turned out that... the people I met in those online forums actually became friends, people to relate to. We started meeting. One of those people was adamant that I needed to be there on his 40th birthday. Friendship transcends screens. So if you want to consider us friends, we'd be there. But what I've learned is that for a friendship to last, there needs to be two people. Every single friendship I've seen wither could be traced to me not doing enough to connect or reconnect. There are more people than you think willing to chat with you. Reaching hands is difficult, but it's worth it.

Same applies to "special someones" in theory, but I'd be a hypocrite saying it's easy because for the aforementioned reasons I'm a perma-virgin.

As for skills and jobs... Nobody is without skills. And also people are willing to tolerate mediocre or bad people skill-wise if they're pleasant to be around (source : my career. I'm terrible at what I do. I wonder everyday how I'm not fired on the spot. I'm writing this instead of actually be productive). Picking what you'd like to do and reaching a hand is sometimes all you need, or not being afraid of asking a recommendation.

[DaveRattlehead]

Last week I was absent for work, and now my boss is ambiguous and doesn't make it clear if he will pay the per diem. On the one hand, he always says that there is no need to go to these events if the project doesn't have enough money, but on the other hand, refusing to go is not an option

[Pirez]

You have to go -> You get paid

You don't get paid -> You don't work anymore until you receive what you're owed.

It's that simple.

[ItzalDrake]

Instead, I would have the right to recover a day of rest that I never had but they never let me know anything every time I asked, I gave up because I'm so sick of it
Then I am working for them for almost a year and still haven't received the rest of the uniform and the refund for the safety shoes (because they told me that I had to buy them myself as they couldn't for some reason)

[Pirez]

Yeah, you're working for exploiting bums. I'd advise looking elsewhere.

[lunar]

A workplace that can’t handle basics like rest and equipment usually isn’t great long-term.

[Magelin]

Apologies for not answering earlier.

I already liked you a lot Magelin, but now I admire you even more for opening up like this.

It is pretty rare for me to express my feelings like this, i’ll admit. I’m a very secretive person and would rather prefer people not worrying about my well-being; it’s just simpler that way.

You're cool, talented and amiable, and just seem totally in control. I never could have possibly guessed you had such feelings as you described. Most of us here are probably have an offbeat personality and may have had a similar experience to you. I could see some overlap with myself, but I think it is adds another layer of complexity if you're a girl.
Let me tell you, you have nothing to worry about with those things you desire. The future looks scary to anyone reading the news, but in terms of your personal potential, there is nothing to worry about. Your competency as a worker comes from your curiosity with the world, for example your art and coding. Creative people engage with reality in this way. And you are a lovely person, one of the most lovely people on RPC, which adds value to you as an employ and of course a "special someone." Just believe in yourself, because you're already making people believe in you.

Im flattered at the fact that you thought i was “in control”. Because, honestly, my life has been a wreck all these years. It’s not as bad as it was at the beginning, but i still feel like nothing much changed yet. I know i should strive for the change instead of waiting for some miracle to happen, it’s scary for me, but i still want to try.

I'm from a small town, not a lot of people with an open mind. I was very curious, I always wanted to learn more, do more, try more. I don't know what I would've become if it weren't for the internet. I started out as a troubled kid, maybe I would've lashed out at everything and done things I wasn't supposed to. My saving grace was my intelligence I guess. I hate showing off or talking about it, I learned during my childhood that's a very bad thing, mostly judging by the responses of people less confident in theirselves I guess. My dad would be gone for months on end, he was in the marine. My mom was left to raise my younger brother and me. Let's just say I was a handful until I discovered computers and computer games. Perhaps if I was born 10-20 years later, my mom would've left me with an iPad and that would've been it, but because these things didn't exist yet and I was left exploring the internet on my own (probably a mistake but if I wanted to do something nobody could stop me anyways, I'd find a way) I learned to be very handy with computers. My dad recognized how big computers would become so he was totally fine with it and even helped me out. Whenever he tried to apply the same methodology on let's say fixing a bike tire I wouldn't respond with the same enthousiasm, but as an adult I still have his mentality and work ethic regarding this stuff. My parents honestly did everything correctly, but they just couldn't handle me and I understand why. Once other instances get involved, like the school or other authorities (not the government hell no) it's like having too many cooks in the kitchen and they didn't know what to think or do with me either. I watched Queen's Gambit and the main character in that show really reminds me of myself. I try to see the best in myself and not latch onto what has been, and recognize I have a gift instead of trying to fit in like I've done for most of my life.
I'm posting this because ^ among others have said lines that also remind me of myself, and while I don't know any of you. I do want to say that if I somehow found my place in this world, and if I somehow got myself a good job and I'm capable of doing things I never saw myself doing when I was younger, then surely you will all completely shatter your own expectations as well. You'll find a way. This feeling and these situations don't last forever. Everything changes in life and that's probably the most difficult thing to accept or have to deal with, but this is the silver lining of it all. You burn but you can rise from the ashes.
By the way, ^ sounds like ^ is suffering from impostor syndrome a bit. That's good! Believe me, that's good! People that aren't invested, motivated, skillful or talented or just straight up honest with theirselves never get it. Only the people who mean well and mean what they say and do get it. The people who don't, simply don't give a sh!t enough to develop it.

Honestly, i’m kind of glad we both grew up with computers instead of Ipads.. I mean, discovering stuff on computers is kind of like an adventure in itself. But it sure doesn’t feel like that when it comes to phones and Ipads. Uh, i don’t know if my words make any sense, though..
Yeah, i’m pretty shy myself when it comes to achievements, too. I don’t feel like i’m the most knowledgeable person on the subject, so i hate to brag about it. Well, it feels nice when my achievements are acknowledged, but i feel people don’t acknowledge me a lot. People just label me as “the smart but shy one”, and believe i’m going to be like that for eternity. I once told somebody i wanted to go to a party, and they said “what, really?”. It’s not their fault, though, it’s just how i present myself, i guess.

I read your post, Magelin. I couldn’t imagine how tough it’d be to feel like nobody gets you, even at a young age when most people aren’t old enough to have complex emotions like yours.
Sometimes I yearn for a normal childhood too, but I then remember how many doors open up just because I’m like me. Unfortunately that means you have to fight all the negative doors that suck you into them, but trust me, it’s really worth the outcome.
Rsandee, your post reminds me of myself a lot in many senses, feeling like you have a great life that you can’t repay. And I’m with you on the lashing out thing, I’ve been acting angry and impulsive for years now.
Hugo, I 100% agree with your post.

I don’t lash out on people, due to the fear of causing conflicts. However, i’m pretty stubborn, and if i don’t like something, then i won’t do it. But that already causes conflicts, so.. Kind of self-contradictory?

It is hard to feel different to people. I've had that perception too when I was a teenager. That early internet era forums were my refuge but life had to go on. It's fair to note that I had a few friends during all stages of life but I always had the impression that they tolerated my presence more than they actually liked me. This includes the man I call my best friend, who went out of his way to make me the godfather of his child. Yet there are still days where I'm pondering if he doesn't do this out of obligation.
But then it turned out that... the people I met in those online forums actually became friends, people to relate to. We started meeting. One of those people was adamant that I needed to be there on his 40th birthday. Friendship transcends screens. So if you want to consider us friends, we'd be there. But what I've learned is that for a friendship to last, there needs to be two people. Every single friendship I've seen wither could be traced to me not doing enough to connect or reconnect. There are more people than you think willing to chat with you. Reaching hands is difficult, but it's worth it.
Same applies to "special someones" in theory, but I'd be a hypocrite saying it's easy because for the aforementioned reasons I'm a perma-virgin.
As for skills and jobs... Nobody is without skills. And also people are willing to tolerate mediocre or bad people skill-wise if they're pleasant to be around (source : my career. I'm terrible at what I do. I wonder everyday how I'm not fired on the spot. I'm writing this instead of actually be productive). Picking what you'd like to do and reaching a hand is sometimes all you need, or not being afraid of asking a recommendation.

Pretty amazing that you met your online friends; i can’t do that.
And, sorry for not saying much right now. As i said, i don’t open up a lot, and i made that post in the heat of the moment. I wasn’t really expecting people to reply to it.
But, dammit, i think i started sobbing again.. Thanks y’all for your kind words and affirmations