Something Bothering you?/Daily Doldrums

[PluMGMK]

Honestly, i’m kind of glad we both grew up with computers instead of Ipads.. I mean, discovering stuff on computers is kind of like an adventure in itself. But it sure doesn’t feel like that when it comes to phones and Ipads. Uh, i don’t know if my words make any sense, though..

This makes perfect sense to me… When I think about it I count myself incredibly lucky to have grown up in the dial-up era.

I'm sorry I don't really know what else to say, but I must echo Hugo's sentiments, I've always found you really likeable and you seemed really in control.

[EdgyRabbid]

Been realizing that maybe I’m not cut out for the animation industry. Mostly because I find drawing anything other than characters to be extremely difficult. Maybe I can learn it in the 2 years I have left of high school but idk. My college also offers a year long class to prepare for the animation program and it could help me.. but I might just go into either fashion (I could use my Kandi knowledge here) or web design since those are 2 things I’m genuinely good at. Though I’d be quite sad because I’ve been wanting to be an animator since 3rd grade…

[Adsolution]

whenever i have to interact with another girl, i just feel like a wolf in sheep clothing. Like, am i really a girl..? Do i qualify as one? What do i need to do feel like i am one?

Awwhh... this part in particular, it made my heart swell so much

Some of us... a surprising amount of us, don't get to grow up the way we wished we had. Our childhood, teenhood, 20's, times we wished we'd been like all the other girls but were left behind, never being able to relive those years the way we envisioned. You're still young though... I'm turning 30 in a month but I still feel young. Those basic skills you wished you had, any day you can choose to start learning anything, bit by bit. I can learn something new now just as well as I could when I was 15, there's nothing stopping you. Don't be afraid, it's in your power to guide your future. It'll be that way when you're 50 as well.

I know a lot of others have said more or less the same things already, but I hope that just helps reinforce the sentiment if anything.

I also agree with what Rsandee said about imposer syndrome. Sometimes being a little too hard on ourselves isn't necessarily a bad thing... it keeps us having high standards for ourselves. I struggle with it, as do tons of people... it's relatively normal to feel the way you do about yourself. Just never stop trying

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I've never really gone into much detail about this here, but for the last 5 years I've been living with a cruel and abusive man I fell for when I was lonely. In our first couple years he would berate and tear me down, calling me garbage, worthless, a shit excuse for a girlfriend, until I was sobbing every night, to the point I completely lost my personality, identity, and sense of self. He'd deprive me of sleep by making me do whatever he wanted every minute of every day, even if I hadn't slept for days straight, or I'd get punished by being isolated -- I lost a lot of friends during that time because I was never allowed to spend time with them if he wasn't there, and they wanted nothing to do with him. He would force me to drink vodka endlessly until I gained nearly 100 pounds (I've mostly lost it again now, but have stretch marks everywhere that are likely permanent), and he's been physically violent as well. I've slowly become less scared of him over time, and I finally lost the last romantic feelings I had for him last December when he punched me hard against a wall. I just let him do it, no more fear. He gets black-out drunk every night, and many of those I get woken up to him forcing himself on me in bed (he's done this probably a hundred times or more by this point, I'm numb to it), and he completely ignores me when I say I don't want it, to stop, or that it hurts, since he's extremely rough and bends my joints in carelessly weird ways, always leaving me with some kind of bruise. It just happened last night again. I still live with him, but I've found a lot of new strength this year, and hopefully I'll find it in me soon to escape this situation for good.

I had a nice conversation with some friends today that made me feel less insecure about sharing this more openly right now. I have this crippling fear of being seen as attention seeker or sympathy vampire... on this forum especially, since I've been here since I was 13 years old and feel so embarrassed to admit to the people who've known me since then that I never escaped my stupid, cringe, overdramatic soap opera of a life, considering my age now. I had such bad family and role models growing up that understanding things that are good for me is a serious challenge. I found better guidance from some older members here back then than I did from almost anyone in-person.

There's nothing quite like meeting a guy at a bar who takes a liking to you, and you're so infatuated by the things he does better than your current partner. It seems too good to be true someone worth something is taking an interest in me. Then I'm so gleefully excited to tell a friend about all of that, and they give me a blank stare and go "...that's it? He's just slightly better than the guy who beats you? I hate that for you, that's so sad". In that moment I realise I have literally no concept of my self-worth, and it's soul-crushing.

I was also sexually assaulted by a home intruder last February. Just wanted to throw that in there because I don't know when else that'll come out

I just want to move to the other side of the planet and finally start a new life around the friends I've met along the way who've been nothing but wonderful to me, working on my art and music to hopefully inspire and help others like I always wanted. The fact so many hundreds of people already have left comments on my videos or come to me over the years telling me how much my work has inspired them and made them get into music or game development is one of the huge things that keeps my head up. Any year now, any year and I'll finally be free.

[PluMGMK]

I had to do a double-take reading that message. I remember you speaking fondly of this guy here before, and to think that he was actually putting you through that even at that time… it's sickening. Just sickening. I'm so sorry that it's been like that for you for so long.

As for being taken for an attention seeker or sympathy vampire, I honestly can't imagine anyone here thinking of you in those terms. We're always here to listen!

[Adsolution]

I had to do a double-take reading that message. I remember you speaking fondly of this guy here before, and to think that he was actually putting you through that even at that time… it's sickening. Just sickening. I'm so sorry that it's been like that for you for so long.

Mhm...
I wanted so badly to convince myself and others I'd found someone and was happy. It's so nice whenever I see a friend I grew up with wind up in a nice relationship. a lot of them are married now, and one just had their first child. I wanted the "improvements" he'd shown over the years to really mean something, but at the end of the day he's... an angry, controlling, violent man, and the positive moments were contrived. He blows almost every cent he makes on alcohol. I earn most of our money, doing music commissions as well as private camming... which I'm surprised I'm admitting to here, and I've hid it from him for years. The idea of not having to do that anymore in order to support us when I almost got my Uber licence was amazing, another reason the "criminal history" rejection was so defeating.

This year a few guys who've witnessed how he treats me have offered me a proper, healthy relationship, including a 43-year-old who's become very financially well off inventing a transdermal copper solution that cures a rare, fatal nervous disease. But I never follow through because I'm still mentally trapped, fearing the image of him being all alone, or potentially just preying on someone else.

As for being taken for an attention seeker or sympathy vampire, I honestly can't imagine anyone here thinking of you in those terms. We're always here to listen!

Thank you so much

[Greengoop]

Really sorry to hear this Adsolution. I hope you feel able to get out of this relationship and find a better person for you.

[ItzalDrake]

Now I can clearly understand why the Japanese don't like overtourism.
Because of the Jubilee, now Rome has a problem with overtourism as well, and that is annoying me as a resident.
The subway is so crowded that I struggle to move around the stations comfortably.
Pilgrims sing at the top of their lungs, shouting, playing musical instruments on public transport, disturbing me and the others who are there.
They all eat on the floor in public places and leave their waste everywhere.
I believed that Christianity was something that made people kinder and more respectful towards others, I think I was very wrong..

Unfortunately, there is a greater flow of pilgrims just when I finish work, so I am also very tired and exhausted, and feeling disturbed when you just want to relax on your way home is so annoying and only makes me feel worse..
Without mentioning that I work in a restaurant right next to the Vatican City, and prepare a lot of food for many of the pilgrims who come here every single day, is this their way of thanking me for what I do for them??

[Greengoop]

Yeah, I can totally understand that. Especially with Rome already being naturally crowded with tourists, adding a bunch of (mostly obnoxious) pilgrims wouldn’t be pleasant. I’m surprised London doesn’t have a problem like this, despite it having many more tourists and residents.

As for the pilgrims, they’re probably 100% convinced in God and feel like they’re helping people this way, which doesn’t really make us wanna become Christians to say the least.

[DaveRattlehead]

Now I can clearly understand why the Japanese don't like overtourism.
Because of the Jubilee, now Rome has a problem with overtourism as well, and that is annoying me as a resident.
The subway is so crowded that I struggle to move around the stations comfortably.
Pilgrims sing at the top of their lungs, shouting, playing musical instruments on public transport, disturbing me and the others who are there.
They all eat on the floor in public places and leave their waste everywhere.
I believed that Christianity was something that made people kinder and more respectful towards others, I think I was very wrong..

Unfortunately, there is a greater flow of pilgrims just when I finish work, so I am also very tired and exhausted, and feeling disturbed when you just want to relax on your way home is so annoying and only makes me feel worse..
Without mentioning that I work in a restaurant right next to the Vatican City, and prepare a lot of food for many of the pilgrims who come here every single day, is this their way of thanking me for what I do for them??

And that's exactly the problem when southern countries have centred their economies around tourism

[EdgyRabbid]

Lately I’ve been having problems with my brain. I feel like it’s like, a separate person who wants to do evil things. No I don’t have a multiple personality disorder. It’s just my brain confuses me sometimes. It’s frustrating!

[Pirez]

As most of you know, I'm doing a drawing challenge this month but as I have completed half of it, I find myself enjoying it less and less.

Last week, I was full of energy because I was able to witness the progress I've made, but looking at the things I've put up for the challenge... It still feels like it lacks a soul.

I've seen far weaker drawings on a technical level that possess it. Mine just... don't. Poses feel stiff, backgrounds (when I try to make some) feel sluggish... It just lacks life. I feel like I've hit a plateau and that I need professional help to improve. But I can take the time to study, I can't take the time to plan, to make the time. I tried to change careers so that I could do creative stuff but even without blaming AI, the societal structure here made bloody well sure I wasn't entitled to any of the benefits my taxes supposedly pay for. So I have to back to a job I hate.

And I correlate all of this with the lack of progress on my social accounts : I might get a like here or there, but nobody engages with my stuff. There's no artists telling me I do a good job, nobody to encourage me... Just as my videos, nobody cares. Not even my friends or family. They just stopped engaging with what I do. It makes me want to give up. I know life isn't about getting likes on Instagram but fuck, I just want to be noticed. I just want people to take interest in me. I just want to be seen. I'm suppose to have multiple friend groups IRL, multiple communities online with which I interact quite a lot, a football squad for whom I was fucking team president until last June... But at the end of the day, there's only myself in my apartment, gruesomely waiting for a new day to go to a lifeless job that nobody would notice if I was gone.

I need help, I ask for help, they nobody comes, except maybe the therapist, but appointments are few and far between, cost a lot and she can only go so far anyway...

[Indy]

A hypocritical former friend forced my hand. Now I want to take action.

What happened:
Earlier this year I made amends with one of my ex-friends by. We made up, we chatted, we did a private art-trade, things were good until they showed a pattern of behavior. After I sent my last message to her something seemed off. Usually they respond within less than 2 hours. Turns out they're still stalking a apparent ex-lover.

Before me and friend were back on good terms I've spoken to the ex on Discord before he deleted his account (likely to avoid speaking to the person in particular), and claims that my then-friend has groomed him years ago. I confronted my friend/his abuser about this, and weirdly enough she's not the groomer but she's still stalking and harassing the guy on his social medias and even his webshop. And it's one of the strangest cases of limerance I have ever seen. She also claims to have a myriad of mental disorders like PPD (paranoid personality disorder), anxiety, and possibly bipolar (undiagnosed).

I'm not a professional by any means and I could be talking nonsense for all I know. But at the end of the day this person needs professional help.
This person has a track record of showing problematic behavior and other behavioral issues online. From holding mud-slinging competitions over a fictional character, to requesting/commissioning concerning types of art. I've been trying to help this gal for MONTHS before she did a 180, sidestepped getting help, went back to harassing her ex, to backstabbing me and hypocritically outed me for something SHE does.

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I will admit that I myself am not blameless. Heck, I was guilty for going after my victim just to get them to talk to me in hopes of finding a middle ground or making amends. Any attempts that I used were fruitless, and I involved innocent people into the mix which made things even more awkward and unhinged. I regret what I had done, and I wish things were different. But that's life - it isn't fair and it's not meant to be. Some people are just not ready to make up or they've been put through so much they can't trust anybody. Even if you're being genuine.

I'm hurt by what my friend (the one I want to report to the authorities to) did. And if she 'didn't mean to hurt my feelings' she can shove her apology right up her ass alongside her fantasies about her ex. Because I don't play like that.

As of writing this I'm still hurting.

[Master]

I know there's that whole meme about a loneliness epidemic, but as I've gotten older and older it has started to seep in more and more. Part of that is down to me being incredibly introverted and also really anxious - it doesn't help that I have my own issues with autism and letting it overtake me when I'm excitable. But I'm stuck at a point now where the small social circle I have been able to maintain as I've gotten older has started to dissipate. And my closest IRL friends have been acting more and more distant towards me.

I don't know if they're doing it intentionally whether to spare my feelings, or if it's because there's something about me that's offputting and as such they're trying to push me out of being involved in things. Or if it's genuinely accidentally. But it's hard not to sometimes get the impression I embarrass or am offputting to them. But at the same time, I have asked if they're annoyed or upset by me and I'm told they're not - so am I just overanalysing? Because that warmth, that energy I used to have in talking and hanging with them, it's not there anymore. And when I do try to bring up things that were mutual interests, or things that we would do together and still would do - I'm left feeling somewhat dismissed.

I think it's come to a head now because I tried to see if I could organise a New Year's thing, they initially seemed enthusiastic. But very quickly afterwards became withdrawn and don't seem to hold any interest anymore (they deleted a message asking about it, and when prompted afterwards, just dismissed it). And I can't help but wonder if some other event came up, that they do have an interest in. And if so, that's fine I don't mind, their time is their own and I'm not entitled to it. But rather than lead me on, I just wish they'd say they've got something else on. That way atleast I'm not left with false expectations and can do something else.

I dunno, maybe it's cause it's someone I've considered to be one of my closest friends, and who I've confided much in. But I can feel that distance, and us growing apart. And I get that's life, but I wish I could at least know for definite if I do need to move on. But even if it is time...how do I do so? My capacity for meeting new people without having an existing friend to have as an anchor is practically nonexistent. But I can't keep operating in this space where I don't even know if my friends actually enjoy my company, or if I'm just being handled. So...how do I make new friends? How do I do something I haven't had to since uni, and something that's substantially harder and far more restrictive when you're older?

[RaypersonNikol]

I'm just gonna be honest, I'm sick and tired of people becoming my friend out of pity, only to stop talking whenever I talk or to just straight up pretend I don't exist. Why can't people just be goddamn honest with me? I literally want to learn how to be better, I want to learn what is and isn't okay to say to people, but I can't goddamn learn IF PEOPLE AREN'T COMMUNICATING WITH ME. I can't take it anymore, I'm already mentally screwed up as it is BECAUSE of people treating me awfully in the previous weeks (and in November), why add to it, just be goddamn honest with me and literally just work with me here, don't just expect me to figure it out?! I'm autistic, so what, I make mistakes, so what? I'm not some sort of idiot, I'm not weird, I'm just really not socially ready and no one's taught me anything. I don't want to lose friends, I want to make them. Why do I always lose them? No, the better question is, what is so wrong with me that people befriend me out of pity? What is wrong with me?

[Master]

I'm not the best at expressing frustration but god you really did put into words how it feels.

It's easy to wear a mask and be apparently sociable. But it never truly feels intuitive does it? And you try your hardest to be accommodating, because you really don't want to overstep, to be a nuisance. To not say or do anything that makes you a burden or off-putting because it's hard enough making friends as is but you're autistic - so you can't even tell when people are signalling that they don't want you around because you can't even trust your instincts, they've been wrong before.

That's why we want people to be blunt with us. To tell us what's going on. We can't intuit social skills, we run them like a game on an emulator. And it's not like we're sociopaths trying to be nosy or over involved. We just don't know what we're doing, and we want to be good friends, but we also want to know what's going on so we can adjust accordingly.

[Steo]

I don't really know why one would befriend anyone out of pity, that sounds stupid.

While I'm here, touchy feely people make me uncomfortable. I don't want people I barely know wanting to hug me, it makes me feel weird. I only hug very few select people in real life in certain situations. I don't even want people putting their hands near me for the most part.

[Master]

Perhaps pity is more a retrospective observation on how a friendship feels after the fact? As if there wasn't any strong basis to begin with, but it was all a lie. That part I can't really say applies to me, of the few close friendships I've had, they've definitely felt genuine when they were active.

I'll admit I do like giving hugs to people I'm comfortable with, but that's the operative word, comfortable. I think people need to be aware that you can't just be like that with everyone, and some people aren't into physical contact, it's not a slight against anyone, it's just regions of what people are comfortable with.

[Steo]

Ah like that. Yeah I would never befriend someone for that specific reason, and being a friend on social media isn't a signed certificate for friendship either by default. It's a different type of "friend" unless you really get to know each other. I'm not just best friends with someone because I added them on Discord and barely even talked for example.

As for the hug stuff, I hug only family, a girlfriend, or a really good friend for a very good reason. It's not something I ever want anyone to talk about doing with me if I don't even know them.

[Master]

Quite so, though I think in this ever so interconnected and yet isolated world, it's harder to make such distinctions. Especially given how siloed things got during COVID.

[RaypersonNikol]

I'm not the best at expressing frustration but god you really did put into words how it feels.

It's easy to wear a mask and be apparently sociable. But it never truly feels intuitive does it? And you try your hardest to be accommodating, because you really don't want to overstep, to be a nuisance. To not say or do anything that makes you a burden or off-putting because it's hard enough making friends as is but you're autistic - so you can't even tell when people are signalling that they don't want you around because you can't even trust your instincts, they've been wrong before.

That's why we want people to be blunt with us. To tell us what's going on. We can't intuit social skills, we run them like a game on an emulator. And it's not like we're sociopaths trying to be nosy or over involved. We just don't know what we're doing, and we want to be good friends, but we also want to know what's going on so we can adjust accordingly.

Exactly, like I want to be a really good friend, truly, I do. But if I'm not told what I did wrong, expected to figure it out myself, then I genuinely never learn and will repeat the same thing all over again. I really am scared of being a burden or making people hate me and they just pretend to like me.

I don't really know why one would befriend anyone out of pity, that sounds stupid.

While I'm here, touchy feely people make me uncomfortable. I don't want people I barely know wanting to hug me, it makes me feel weird. I only hug very few select people in real life in certain situations. I don't even want people putting their hands near me for the most part.

I don't get it either. I have zero idea why people do it. I guess they just don't want to tell me what is truly wrong with me (or they make subtle jabs at what *is* wrong, and they don't expect me to get it, which really hurts and I have actually experienced ableism this way). And to respond to the second half, that's 100% valid. Though with me, I somehow only like hugs if I'm the one to initiate, otherwise I squirm out of the person's grasp like "please let go-" for whatever reason.