Here's the story:
I was about to leave for Mexico when I was twelve (just finished grade seven) after leaving the best school I had ever been to. I had a picture of a girl I'd liked in my drawer for a while, and I'd always look at it to make me happy. Then, right before I was about to leave my house to go to the airport, I looked at the picture one last time. We (I was with my family) went to the airport, got on the plane (this is the first time we'd ever gone first-class) but I sat in a separate booth on the very left with a curtain because I had a cold.
While sitting there I thought of her, how much I liked her, and how much I'd wanted to be like her... wait WHAT? Be like her? Did I think that? Then my mind started racing. I began to think backwards. I never thought of myself as anything but straight for my whole life. Then my mind flicked back to a scene when I was in preschool. The shoe racks were separated into boys and girls (blue and pink). I went to go put my shoes on the pink shelf because I liked it better. Then the teacher said "No no no, that's for girls. You're a boy." And I replied "No, I'm a girl". And it went back and fourth a couple times. I also tended to have that screaming thing... you know what I mean. I've kind of had that screaming thing all the way up to now. So anyway, I was sitting on the plane thinking about that, then I thought forward a bit. For my elementary birthday parties, how many girls did I have over compared to boys? I had more girls over. I thought a little further forward. In grade seven, I noticed I was one of the only people who wasn't a complete douche-bag around girls. I liked normal conversation, and people thought I was a retard or something. There was one girl who was totally afraid of spiders, but was one of those people who was totally egoTAstic and blonde and a stereotypical spoiled brat movie star style of person, like, "Oh, I'm too good for you people". A huge spider was crawling in her lunch (like I mean, really huge), and she freaked. She started crying. My friend said if I put a kick me sign on her back, he'd give me two bucks, so I did, and the girl I liked saw it, threw it in the trash and screamed at me. Later, she found me crying in the cloak room. Boy, was that remorseful for both of us. Then that's when I knew there actually might be something with me. When I got to Mexico, I spent the time I was in my hotel room at night searching up these kinds of things and found a slot where I fit in, I was "transsexual". Over the course of the Mexico trip, on the bus rides to attractions (they usually took about forty-five minutes), I'd spend my time listening to music like Adagio for Strings, because once I noticed why I'd felt wrong all the time, I realized that my whole youthhood was gone. Poof. Vanished. I'd never have one. First date? Paf. First kiss? Plooey. Friends I can mentally relate to? None. That's when I decided there has to be something I can do. When I got home, I found a site about someone who wrote a biography of themselves (she's a TS also). I read the whole thing in three days.
After that, I leaned back beside my stuffed animals, and pondered. The girl I liked. I liked her not in a sexual way, but in a different way. I didn't want to be with her forever, but I
did want to be
like[/i] her. I didn't loooove her, but I just wanted to be like her. So much. Every day. I wished I was her. I wished I was like her. I wished I was her. I soon found my own fitting personality and my own "en femme" that I had inside me. I hide it when others are around, but inside I'll always be who I knew I was meant to be. The trouble was... there was a slight chance that I could still live my youth in public without worrying if I told my parents and they miraculously agreed to help me change gender without too much trouble.
Okay, now before I continue, having a sex change operation is not how it works. The media is terrible. Never ever get your facts on a sex change off of comedy shows and cartoons. How it really works: You get a doctor to first prescribe you estrogen hormones as well as anti-testosterone (God I hate that life-ruining word) hormones. Within a year or two, your body will actually completely change into the shape of a female body. Your bones reshape, your fat redistributes to give you that more "hourglass" sort of shape, you grow breasts, your skin changes texture, your extremedies become more slender, your hair becomes thinner and more feminine, and pretty much everything except your organs. So basically no, you don't have a big ugly chin and a hairy body after. That's all the media. And transsexuals do not get breast implants, that's also the media. The they do not cut your dick off, that's also the media. And no it does not hurt, that's also the media. Rather, you're put to sleep during the operation. Expanding on that, the organs are the only thing you need a sex change for. And if you want your voice higher.
Now to finish off: I could either tel my parents and have that miraculously happen, and get a youth, or I could tell them, they freak out, and basically freak out some more, and then I'll feel unsafe, or I could wait til I'm eighteen which would hurt more than any awake sex change could, mentally. I'm stuck within this dilemma right now, and I need to choose one. All together, I realized that it's interesting. I wouldn't ever want to be anyone else.
Saber, please don't tl;dr this. 
