Two days ago on Friday, a random person from a different school which I have a lot of friends at started talking to me over Facebook. I'll use her first name here because that's pretty harmless. Her name was Zoey, and she started saying hi to me via Facebook chat. I'd seen her name before, but I didn't know her, I'm just one of those people who adds friends of friends. She started asking me basic questions like "Hi how's it going?" and I'd respond nicely. Then eventually she saw that I liked Muse and she apparently was also a Muse addict. We also found out that we were both fairly socially awkward and started making penguin jokes. We seemed so similar it was ridiculous. Then the real hard-hitter came in. She said maybe during summer we could meet (she's calling me Cody, as is my Facebook name. My new name is Cheryl). After I said it might be awkward, she said that she accepts anyone for who they are. That was the signaler that if we wanted to hang out, she'd have to know that I was a transsexual and that I'd be a girl by the name of Cheryl by then. When I told her, she said she had something to tell me as well. She apparently is a transsexual as well: she wants to be a guy named Ryan. This was just full of win... because what are the chances? We're exactly the same! The only difference is that her parents didn't accept her as one whereas mine did, and she's almost been kicked out of the house for it.
Since Zoey and her parents weren't exactly a good match, she likes to sleep at other's places as much as possible, but tonight there wasn't anywhere for her to sleep. So I offered if she wanted to stay at my house. She said she didn't want to be troublesome, but I said it was no trouble, because I like having people over. So she said she'd come along to my place, but she wanted to bring her friend Samantha just for the travel for reassurance, which is reasonable. My other friend Kurt who also went to the other school with them was at my house; he didn't know I was transsexual, and had also planned to sleep over. So Kurt and I went to go meet Samantha and Zoey at the bus stop outside, with non-stop comments on telling me to take off that "girlish hoodie" because I was wearing a girl's hoodie (he's one of those people that demands "men" act like "men." So when we reached the bus stop, Samantha and Zoey came with Kurt and I back to my house. It was a bit awkward because I wasn't actually expecting Samantha to stay, because that wasn't the agreement. Unfortunately, they had to leave half an hour later that night because Zoey's mean parents wanted her home (yes they are mean).
When it was time for Kurt and I to resign for the night, we lay in bed and I told him about myself - that I was transsexual. He was the first out of all my friends to reject me, and he basically said he'd do whatever he could to get me off the pills. So the following day was really busy. In the morning I had to go to my school to perform with the grade 10 jazz ensemble for Mayfair, then I had to rush off to my good friend Shae's 14th birthday party (which was fun as hell). She knows how to have fun. She also knows I'm transsexual so she included me in all the girl activities, and her school friends were great with it. Then I had to rush off a few hours later to perform and receive two British Columbian awards in the hosted Caroline Music Festival for music composition. What do you know, I won first place in two categories at once (if you want to hear the song, click here).
So I was really happy that night, and I spent all night talking to Zoey since she had been kicked out for the night again. All the way til four in the morning, we confided pretty much everything to do with each other's lives, telling our life stories. She began with hers, which to say the least, was very depressing and unhappy. It was full of adoption, hate, and suicide attempts and people hating her. Then I told her mine, which was slightly different. Bad things at first would happen to me that were a lot more indirect, as well as to others, but there wasn't as much hate involved, just more bigotry in my life (which honestly hasn't been easy at all either). But after helping my friend (I won't say her name here), who was the victim of the notorious 7-person rape incident on September 18th 2010 where pictures and videos of it were uploaded to Facebook (it was all over the world wide news), and I was one of her best friends who had to help her through her depressed struggle. Eventually in early February she even told me that she forgave her attackers for this, because we helped her see the light in the world. Like I said: after helping her, that had matured me a lot (according to others), and I now knew what it felt like to really help someone in need. We were tired eventually, and I managed to make her smile a bit. Basically I tried to show her my story which also wasn't happy, but how I was able to rise above depression. Then after that, we both agreed that the Friday visit was a bit awkward and that we should hang out next-next Friday (because I couldn't do next Friday). She agreed and smiled, and then I fell asleep on my laptop because it was 3:30 in the morning.
When I woke up, we both happened to be online, so we started another text-chat.
I asked: "I'm just checking, you've resigned from trying to kill yourself... at least for a while right? It's put a lot of worry on my mind."
She replied: "Would you like a fib to put you at ease?"
I answered: "No, I need the truth."
Then she started telling me that she had already downed 16 pills, and was attempting to kill herself via overdose. She said that she started to feel dizzy and she wanted to sleep. I tried to tell her to not fall asleep, and the conversation goes as follows (note: there's no harm in posting the conversation since I removed her last name from it for this post):
Then came the heart-wrencher. I was already shaking and silently crying from typing, but as soon as I called her and the phone was passed to her, I couldn't talk. I started sobbing so hard through the phone that I couldn't talk at all for at least two minutes. Whenever she said something, it sounded so tired and lifeless as if she was about to fall asleep dead, which was what was actually about to happen.[Zoey ]
Bye. <3 I'm going to sleep. I'm tired.
[You]
Pill sleep or normal sleep?
[Zoey ]
I don't know. 16 more that would be 32
[You]
NO I'm serious! Don't!
I just messaged Samantha about this.
You know I'm crying right now?
[Zoey ]
She won't do anything.
[You]
You said she would always be there for you.
[Zoey ]
My body might expire but I'll always be with you.
[You]
No no no no no!
Don't do it!
If I knew where you lived I'd come over there and stop you.
[Zoey ]
I need to be alone.
[You]
But I don't, and now I'm pulling my hair out.
[Zoey ]
Please calm down.
[You]
How could I calm down if you're about to kill yourself?
[Zoey ]
I'll be okay.
[You]
"Okay" meaning okay in "death" or okay alive?
[Zoey ]
I only took 9 more.
[You]
Listen, Ryan, you're not going to achieve anything by trying to kill yourself.
If that's what you prefer to be called, I don't know you well enough to know.
[Zoey ]
It doesnt matter.
[You]
But I know you just enough to be able to say that you could be happy if you stood up for yourself in a positive way.
[Zoey ]
I'm not trying to achieve anything except to not be here.
I'm going.
[You]
No, don't go.
I don't know if you think this'll probably end up as another failed attempt.
But it very well couldn't be.
And then you'll be gone. Samantha will be in agony. You may not think it, but even loners with one, maybe two very close friends, your friends who love you care a lot more than you think they do.
[Zoey ]
well, I'm glad I got to know you. You made me feel happy once in a long time.
[You]
You made me happy too, and if I lost you, I'd be terribly sad for a long time. I'll be known as the person who couldn't save their friend from killing themself.
To others and to myself.
[Zoey ]
She knows that even if I'm gone I'll always be there. If its the wind or even a stray cat.
Same goes to you, Cody.
[You]
Why be in the wind when you could be physically here? You're just taking the easy way out. You don't know what happens to you after you die. You could, instead of disappearing, you could correct those who've hurt you's wrongs.
[Zoey ]
I've been fighting this long and it hasn't done any good. I hope that I do survive just for the fact of getting to be a better friend of yours.
[You]
Why are you toying with it though? If you hope to survive, why are you killing yourself? You need to decide what's more important, your immediate emotionally affected thoughts, or what you could make yourself out to be in the future.
[Zoey ]
Because more then anything in the world, I want this.
[You]
After you get out of school, it's your life you can live. You're being paranoid about people trying to kill you.
[Zoey ]
They want to!
[You]
I've pulled one of my best friends out of dismay, she was almost as suicidal as you and just as paranoid if not moreso, but I don't know you nearly as well, so I can't physically do as much to help you.
That's what's so frustrating. I can't stop you, I can only try to persuade you with words.
[Zoey ]
I'm dizzy. I'm actually going now.
[You]
No, wake up please!
[Zoey ]
I really do wish we could have met again .
[You]
No, just wait a bit longer, please.
If anything.
What's your number?
phone number
[Zoey ]
I feel so dizzy though.
[You]
Tell me your number.
Please, if it's the last thing you do.
[Zoey ]
I'm not giving it to you.
[You]
Zoey, I can't do anything, PLEASE just don't do this!
I'm so serious I can't describe.
I can't lose you, Samantha can't lose you, the world can't lose you.
[Zoey ]
...[number here]. Don't say anything to the rents or I swear to god..
[You]
Parents?
rents = parents?
Please telll me
[Zoey ]
Yes. I did.
[You]
SHould I ask to talk to you?
"This is Cody from school, is Zoey there?"
[Zoey ]
Just ask for me. They wouldnt care if it was a serial killer.
I eventually started saying through my sobs in a completely cracked voice things like: "Zoey, PLEASE don't kill yourself. You have no idea how much you mean to both Samantha an I."
Then she'd reply: "Samantha has Cory." (Sam's boyfriend)
Me: "But she has you as well. She's the only other person who you've confided in, and you said yourself she'd never give up on you like your therapist did. Well, neither will I."
Zoey: "That's what everyone says."
Me: "Look, I've known you for two days only, only two days, and listen to me, I can barely talk! Doesn't that show you that I do care?"
Zoey: "It won't last."
I felt so crushed right now that I thought I would honestly lose her at any moment if she fell asleep.
Me: "Zoey, whatever you do, do NOT fall asleep, please get up!"
Zoey: "No, I'm tired."
Me: "You have no idea how much you mean to Samantha and I, please don't do it.... You could BE the person you wanted to BE if you can just last through the last two years of school...."
Zoey: "No I can't, someone's just going to end up killing me afterwards anyway."
Me: "That's being paranoid, NO ONE is going to kill you! Not if you're ready. and if you become Ryan, no one will even need to know that you were Zoey!"
Zoey: "Yeah right."
Me: "You know, the hardest part about this that's the most frustrating is that, when I knew her (my friend who was sexually abused), I knew where she lived and what she was like moreso, so I was able to comfort her and stop her from doing anything stupid, but this is so hard because I can't stop you! I can only use my words and hope you'll listen."
Some more back-and-fourths went commenced for at least fourty-five minutes.
Me: "Look, Ryan (her preferred name), do you have a passion?"
Zoey: "I don't know."
Me: "Like what do you like to do in your free time?"
Zoey: "Cody, I don't know."
Me: "Come on Zoey... Ryan... you must love to do something!"
Zoey: "Well I like art."
Me: "That's awesome... what kind of art? Like graphics design, photography, painting...."
Zoey: "Anything."
I thought frantically for a bit. I knew that I needed to keep her awake because she sounded audibly more tired. And keep in mind I was still crying through this whole conversation so far.
Me: "If you could be Ryan right this instant, what would you feel, would you be happy?"
Zoey: "...Yes."
Me: "Well that's what I'm wanting to help you with. As long as you're with me, I'm going to try to make your life as happy as I can. I want to show you the light of the world."
Zoey: "I know I'll never get there. I never planned to anyway."
Me: "Think, you could be... Ryan: the photographer, taking pictures for... the National Geographic! Then everyone would respect you! Doesn't that make you smile? It makes me smile."
This is where I tried to sound more happy, but my stomach was crawling more than it ever had in my life. Her life rested on my shoulders, so heavy that if I fell off track by an inch, it would crush me and she would be gone forever. Her life was in my hands. I'd never thought this would happen to me, I'm only fifteen! Those were my exact thoughts. But it did, it did, and I had to use my words cunningly or else she would die.
Zoey: "Yeah, it does a little actually."
I started to talk faster.
Me: "Come on, don't fall asleep.... I'm working on a video game right now, my main forte is the story writing, game design, and music creating, but I need help with a graphical artist, and I know you like 3D art as well. Think about it, you could help me with it, and maybe we'll even get it published! Wouldn't that make you happy?"
Zoey: "Yes, it does."
I started to feel a rush of joy; I had found her! I noticed she sounded very slightly more awake.
Me: "Are you feeling more energetic now Ryan?"
Zoey/Ryan: "A bit."
Me: "So do you think you'll be able to make it next-next Friday?"
Zoey/Ryan: "I don't know."
Me: "Come ONNN Ryan!" I said in a more enthusiastic tone. This was where I needed to make her feel as happy as possible.
Zoey/Ryan: "Okay." There was a pause. "You know, I'm actually feeling a bit happier now. You're the first person other than Samantha to ever do that. You do care."
This was the BEST response I could have gotten. We started getting more cheery from there, we started telling gentle jokes, and I was trying to be as funny and cheery as possible. It was working, she was laughing and having fun. I began singing and playing her favourite Muse songs on piano which she said were "the most amazing things ever," and I was dancing around the room on the phone in joy while talking.
Then she said she had to throw up. I said "Good! That means the pills will be gone!" So she left, came back, and said she wasn't able to. I then made it very clear - casual but clear - that she couldn't go to sleep until night time. Eventually she (well, do be soon, he) agreed, and now we're going to hang out in two weeks!
That's the story. It was the most satisfying thing I had ever felt in my life. I can't believe I just saved a friend's life who was already killing themself. That was amazing. Of course it did cause me not to be able to get my science video project done in time, but I think saving my friend's life is a feasible excuse.
