Funny Expressions!

[Shrooblord]

Why, heya, RPC!

All the frequent members of this forum surely must know the Funny Pics and Funny Vids topics. And now it's also time for the written funny: funny expressions!

So post here any funny, whimsical, mischievous, cheeky or outright hilarious jokes, expressions or quotes you know of. I think this thread will also be a neat addition to this year's non-spam post-fest coming up in July.

I'll just start off with a cheeky and rude, yet funny joke I heard from the funniest Irishman in town:
Why fart and waste it,
If you can burp and taste it?

And my favourite (what is presumed to be a) quote from Einstein:
Marilyn Monroe: Oh, imagine how amazing it would be if we would have kids. With your brains and my looks, we would have the most fantastic children.
Albert Einstein: Yes, but imagine how all the more horrifying it would be if it were the other way around!

[Shrooblord]

Is it not catching on? I'll just add another set of quotes myself then.

Blackadder: As cunning as a fox who has just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University.

The Doctor: Oh, you're not, are you...? Tell me you're not archaeologists.
River Song: Got a problem with archaeologists?
The Doctor: I'm a time traveller. I point and laugh at archaeologists.
River Song: Ah! Professor River Song. Archaeologist.

And my favourite quote from any book, ever:
(From HHGTTG, on Vogons)

Here is what to do if you want to get a lift from a Vogon: forget it. They are one of the most unpleasant races in the Galaxy. Not actually evil, but bad-tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous. They wouldn't even lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters. The best way to get a drink out of a Vogon is to stick your finger down his throat, and the best way to irritate him is to feed his grandmother to the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. On no account should you allow a Vogon to read poetry at you.

[Adsolution]

There goes this thread.

[Shrooblord]

Yeah, it's kind of sad really. I was expecting people to come up with all kinds of funny one-liners or nice quotes from books. Whatever. I'll just continue the trend here:

(The Fellowship of the Ring):
Frodo: Go back, Sam. I'm going to Mordor alone.
Sam: Of course you are. And I'm coming with you.

[Rulez]

That was in The Hobbit? You sure?

Maybe my mind is just acting up on me.

[Shrooblord]

Duhhh... Hobbit. Sorry, Fellowship of the Ring (part 1 of Lord of the Rings).

Anyone up for quotes?

[Rulez]

LOL I was right all along

[Decidetto]

I would love to add a bit to this, but I'm running a bit low on wittiness right now.

[Shrooblord]

I've got some funny epitaphs for you:

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

H. G. Wells (Writer of War of the Worlds)
I told you so, you damned fools.

Unknown source
While living men my tomb do view
Remember well
There's room for you

R. Andersen (Nerdy humour there)
Connection reset
by peer
He came, he saw, he logged out


Of course, respects to those to whom these stones belong, but laughing and joking about them ain't wrong.

[Decidetto]

The one from the unknown source is really quite... how to put it. Deep, I guess?

[Shrooblord]

Einstein: If you don't know how to explain it simply, you don't know it well enough.

[Decidetto]

Verrrrry true.

[Shrooblord]

Fired up my DSi and its crappy internet speed just so I could post this, but this quote is an absolute must to have:
(HHGTTG)
All the dolphins: So long, and thanks for all the fish!

[Serza5]

o3o

Boo

[Smega]

Willie Trombone: Please feed my pet flytrap. He eats ring-food. I do not.
The Neverhood

[Serza5]

First you will be baked, and then there will be cake

[Shrooblord]

Just found a chain of comments on a YouTube video by sethbling:

this should be a new biome, would be soo cool
WAYtoomuchbacon

Don't you mean it WOOD be cool?
TheTacoKing12 in reply to WAYtoomuchbacon

I see what YEW did there!
luiscarls8 in reply to TheTacoKing12

OAKay, I think this is getting out of hand...
wAsTiNgSp00nZ in reply to luiscarls8

Guys, my sPINE is starting to hurt.
crashbash84 in reply to wAsTiNgSp00nZ

Dont be such a little BIRCH.
GrahambertusJosepha in reply to crashbash84

Forget this I'm LEAVEing.
MrTyri1 in reply to GrahambertusJosepha

I can't think of a clever comment.  Its so TREEky.
ShAdOwBladez9825 in reply to MrTyri1

You guys need to BRANCH out and learn new jokes
jfsalaba in reply to ShAdOwBladez9825

Ok, Who is the ROOT of these jokes?
ashdawn505 in reply to jfsalaba

I have to say, I'm in love with this chain of terrible tree puns. I'm Rooting for you guys!
sethbling in reply to ashdawn505

will you just all FIRk off with all these tree puns you bunch of SAPS
TheCreeperNetwork in reply to sethbling

I like to PRUNE little boys
dragonwar524 in reply to TheCreeperNetwork

these puns are very POPLAR
TheCreeperNetwork in reply to dragonwar524

I like DICKS
ZirixZero in reply to TheCreeperNetwork

[Decidetto]

Whoah, I am a sucker for puns, and those tree puns were awesome to read!

[Xenon]

"You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours"

"Sorry son, we didn't know whether to buy you a toy or a pet, so we compromised - we bought you a rattle snake"

"We in the Tory party are going to give all the people of the north a huge boost, and then all the people can come out and lick the chocolate off it"

Just thought I'd leave these

[ikke471]

From Kid Icarus Uprising

Pit: hey look! An exo tank!
Hades: hey look! Who cares?

Pyrrhon: what?! I can't hear you over all this awesome!

Pyrrhon: Pyrrhon senses danger.. And now.. Pyrrhon sees it.