Something Bothering you?/Daily Doldrums

[iHeckler9]

OK, on a different forum, a friend of mine has told me that one of his friends is in love with me, and I'm just about to tell her that I am aware. This could end me up in a lot of trouble.

[Adsolution]

- For some reason I'm actually scared of my mother coming back from her vacation in seven days. It's great beig alone while it lasts, but she's terrifying and extremely violent when she returns from her trips. I'm actually hoping more than anything else that one of these days something happens and she never comes back.

If that would make you feel better, my mother never leaves me home; she takes me on every vacation with her. She then proceeds to be a violent scumbag that wantsto ruin every holiday for the whole family.

Heh, she used to take me with her up until a bit over a year ago actually. They were week-long nightmares where I would think non-stop throughout every day and night "there are only x days left, there are only x days left." What joyous fun having to lock and barricade yourself in the motel bathroom was, whilst you have someone on the other end chasing you with a book in one hand and a bared fist in the other, shrieking and threatening my own death. The one time she got me back on my very last trip with her, holy shit, there wasn't any light for the rest of the day.


Linking with that is one of the reason I enjoy Spiraldoor's adoption jokes, because I liked it back there in Norway, and I like to take humour in everything that's wrong with where I am and how I somehow ended up on the other side of the world. It's so weirdly hysterical in a way I can't even describe. Everything about it is so incredibly wrong that I somehow find it incredibly funny. Why is that? I seriously can't seem to find the answer. Even though one of my best friends back in 2010 was raped (causing me to make a thread here at that time about it and whine at everyone like a fucktard) and then killed herself the following year, I find making and hearing 'rape' jokes to be funnier than ever, even when they aren't even remotely funny in any context. I seem to relentlessly exploit/mock the concepts of orphans, assault, racism, suicide, abuse, death, and pretty much everything that I know first-hand along those lines, and it's caused people (mostly in real life, and in some fairly major cases online friends) to think I'm an insensitive prick with nothing better to do than mock things "I don't know about," since most everybody would assume that to have had it happen to you means that you would need to be extra sensitive and defensive about it. I mean, I take it seriously, but I also thrive off mocking the shit out of it, almost to the point that it could make someone sick and have them in turn call bullshit on you when you confide in them.

Sorry for being so straight about this on a freaking Rayman forum, but it's actually an honest question that I don't know the answer to, and it makes me frustrated like you couldn't believe. Why didn't I query this in a more appropriate website? Well, because I already know what answer I'm going to get if I go to one of those: an unsatisfactory one, largely because they would have no idea who I am, and most people at those places are just so... ugh... lovydovy; they think they're unique, beautiful on the inside, optimistic, all that crap. I know it's an unproductive thought, but every hour, every day, I'm either fantasising about two things: 1) If I were never adopted. Maybe then I could come across as socially acceptable and I wouldn't have to wear long sleeves. Maybe I could have felt loved by someone there. Maybe it would have saved me the trouble of wanting to bash my head against a wall when any sort of thought enters my mind. Maybe I could have learned to not be so immature.

2) Getting the hell out of here.


Sorry for all that embellished, unnecessary crap, but my main mindboggling question is: Why in the world do I take such pleasure in exploiting my own mental negatives and mocking them without mercy? I don't find them coincidentally funny, I want to laugh at them and mock them. I don't know how to describe it. I have this lust to laugh at them so hard I choke on my own laughter. I want to make them feel so bad about themselves that they wish they had never happened or existed. I don't hate them, I just fucking love to make them hate themselves. It feels almost maniacal and confound. The reason I've had some people grown to genuinely hate me isn't because I can come across as an inexperienced flamer idiot, it's because, unlike those kids on 4chan who are said inexperienced flamers, I know what the fuck I'm talking about, and people seem to really, really, really hate that.

I know there are some very smart people on this forum, I'm just wondering if there's absolutely anyone here who is able to help me find an answer, because I surely am not getting anywhere on my own, and as the months/years go by, it matters more and more.

-Insert 'I updated my journal' joke here-

[Rulez]

Heh, she used to take me with her up until a bit over a year ago actually. They were week-long nightmares where I would think non-stop throughout every day and night "there are only x days left, there are only x days left." What joyous fun having to lock and barricade yourself in the motel bathroom was, whilst you have someone on the other end chasing you with a book in one hand and a bared fist in the other, shrieking and threatening my own death. The one time she got me back on my very last trip with her, holy shit, there wasn't any light for the rest of the day.

Is there a specific reason she stopped taking you with her on those trips to hell? I can imagine how you counted the days, awaiting to get back to where you have the chance to have less contact with her. To be perfectly honest I used to do that, but now that my mother married another guy, she appears much more peaceful on holiday - that's even more evil, as she's hiding her true character from him. Whenever I try to talk with him about it, he just says that's not true and I'm overreacting, when he hasn't even seen how devilish she can be at times, and not just on her period (why do I feel like I'm telling a really sick joke right now). This makes me actually pissed off, but what can I do when I can't even describe what is happening to him - he's sort of a Cloud CuckooLander and is really socially awkward at times. He forgets like every important thing he needs to do. So how can I even tell him that with no proof? True, there's no way of doing so. I dream of him catching her in the act and reacting finally.

Linking with that is one of the reason I enjoy Spiraldoor's adoption jokes, because I liked it back there in Norway, and I like to take humour in everything that's wrong with where I am and how I somehow ended up on the other side of the world. It's so weirdly hysterical in a way I can't even describe. Everything about it is so incredibly wrong that I somehow find it incredibly funny. Why is that? I seriously can't seem to find the answer. Even though one of my best friends back in 2010 was raped (causing me to make a thread here at that time about it and whine at everyone like a fucktard) and then killed herself the following year, I find making and hearing 'rape' jokes to be funnier than ever, even when they aren't even remotely funny in any context. I seem to relentlessly exploit/mock the concepts of orphans, assault, racism, suicide, abuse, death, and pretty much everything that I know first-hand along those lines, and it's caused people (mostly in real life, and in some fairly major cases online friends) to think I'm an insensitive prick with nothing better to do than mock things "I don't know about," since most everybody would assume that to have had it happen to you means that you would need to be extra sensitive and defensive about it. I mean, I take it seriously, but I also thrive off mocking the shit out of it, almost to the point that it could make someone sick and have them in turn call bullshit on you when you confide in them.

I think I might have a silly explanation for this, but not sure if it's a good enough one. You see, I'll give you an example. Little Jimmy the gay boy is afraid of water, thus he is afraid of learning how to swim. His father then throws him in the water yelling ''swim, you little bitch'' and Jimmy has to learn swimming the hard way. After finally doing so, there are actually two versions of what's about to happen. Either Little Jimmy the gay boy gets trauma for the rest of his homosexual life, or he is no longer afraid of water and likes to joke about the times when he was indeed afraid of it (''ha ha, what a little bitch I was, afraid of water and shit''). A similar case would be here. You know a victim of rape, but you never experienced it yourself, despite how many asshole, dirty jokes I throw at you. For whatever reason you react at stuff like this just like Little Jimmy the gay boy, though the case is slightly different. My guess is that it's just how you are - some people laugh at their mistakes, problems or depressing events, some laugh at other's, but definitely not in a ''prick''-ish way, so to speak. Another explanation is that you have a sense of humour, and that's a fact. It helps in realizing the fun and joy in every little detail and aspect of life. What I find amazing about you is that you continue to find all that even though your life took a miserable turn at a young age.

Sorry for being so straight about this on a freaking Rayman forum, but it's actually an honest question that I don't know the answer to, and it makes me frustrated like you couldn't believe. Why didn't I query this in a more appropriate website? Well, because I already know what answer I'm going to get if I go to one of those: an unsatisfactory one, largely because they would have no idea who I am, and most people at those places are just so... ugh... lovydovy; they think they're unique, beautiful on the inside, optimistic, all that crap. I know it's an unproductive thought, but every hour, every day, I'm either fantasising about two things: 1) If I were never adopted. Maybe then I could come across as socially acceptable and I wouldn't have to wear long sleeves. Maybe I could have felt loved by someone there. Maybe it would have saved me the trouble of wanting to bash my head against a wall when any sort of thought enters my mind. Maybe I could have learned to not be so immature. 2) Getting the hell out of here.

Why are you sorry? This is one of the best forums on the web, in my opinion. I came here to talk about Rayman and read news about him, I stayed for the wonderful people that can help each other in their worst times. Another thing is the humour of the people here - most topics guarantee at least a single laugh or at least a giggle, maybe even a smirk. There are members like Canard WC and Comment ? who, for newcomers, appear really random and think they should be banned. When you get to know the forum, and learn some backstories, you know that they are just a few of the helping, good people here. You mentioned something a while back, that online you found a lot of good friends. That is true for me and probably a lot of members here. I got touched when you made an entire topic about you saving your friend from comitting suicide. I see it can be really sad, seeing how your life is turning out, but think positive and try to change it. You'll be moving to Europe in no time, won't you? I can bet everything will only go better since then! Also, I fucking hate long sleeves

I know there are some very smart people on this forum, I'm just wondering if there's absolutely anyone here who is able to help me find an answer, because I surely am not getting anywhere on my own, and as the months/years go by, it matters more and more.

There sure are a lot of smart people here. Read my above message, as there is no ''tl;dr''. And if this is anything to improve your mood... then click here, I hope it's good enough to do at least something.

[Adsolution]

Is there a specific reason she stopped taking you with her on those trips to hell? I can imagine how you counted the days, awaiting to get back to where you have the chance to have less contact with her. To be perfectly honest I used to do that, but now that my mother married another guy, she appears much more peaceful on holiday - that's even more evil, as she's hiding her true character from him. Whenever I try to talk with him about it, he just says that's not true and I'm overreacting, when he hasn't even seen how devilish she can be at times, and not just on her period (why do I feel like I'm telling a really sick joke right now). This makes me actually pissed off, but what can I do when I can't even describe what is happening to him - he's sort of a Cloud CuckooLander and is really socially awkward at times. He forgets like every important thing he needs to do. So how can I even tell him that with no proof? True, there's no way of doing so. I dream of him catching her in the act and reacting finally.

Yeah, my mother is basically like that as well, so I understand exactly what you mean. She's saddeningly good at it too, as she comes across as the nicest person you could possibly imagine when around other people. There were numerous occasions where people condemned me for speaking badly of my mother (you know, the very religious community standard). As for why she stopped bringing me? I don't know, and I wouldn't dare ask. If I had to guess, it's that she might have began to fear retaliation, because I'll admit I'm not a weak person at all. If that's the case though, that seems to be stretching the extent of her precautions, which doesn't say much.

I think I might have a silly explanation for this, but not sure if it's a good enough one. You see, I'll give you an example. Little Jimmy the gay boy is afraid of water, thus he is afraid of learning how to swim. His father then throws him in the water yelling ''swim, you little bitch'' and Jimmy has to learn swimming the hard way. After finally doing so, there are actually two versions of what's about to happen. Either Little Jimmy the gay boy gets trauma for the rest of his homosexual life, or he is no longer afraid of water and likes to joke about the times when he was indeed afraid of it (''ha ha, what a little bitch I was, afraid of water and shit'').

I honestly don't think it's that at all actually. I don't laugh back on these things, in fact, they hurt quite badly. I'm just nearly obsessed with mocking them, and I find them to be genuinely funny, which leads me to the next thing...

A similar case would be here. You know a victim of rape, but you never experienced it yourself

Whether I was the victim or the victim's pillow differs very little in this context. At that point, I didn't just know her, we were almost the same person. When the video was uploaded to Facebook instantly and I saw it, I completely lost it and it felt like I had been beaten all over with a bat. I was the first person she came to, as well as the only one for eight months.

, despite how many asshole, dirty jokes I throw at you. For whatever reason you react at stuff like this just like Little Jimmy the gay boy, though the case is slightly different. My guess is that it's just how you are - some people laugh at their mistakes, problems or depressing events, some laugh at other's, but definitely not in a ''prick''-ish way, so to speak.

It's alright to laugh at old mistakes and depressing events, but again, refer to my second reply in this post.

I'm not entirely sure if you misunderstood my post, but she didn't live. She's dead now, and I can rightfully take some of the blame. Rulez, imagine if your little brother had been brutally tortured, skinned and then murdered just a year ago, and all because you were being very careless. Is it funny? I highly doubt it. Do you know what the sick part is? I find that funny, really funny actually, AHAHAH, and saying things like I'm saying right now are why some people despise me as a person, but I can't honestly hide the fact that I find it hilarious. Tomek's brother having his throat cut open and letting it bleed into dead Katie's drowned corpse. I don't know, maybe this is their way of expressing love! What now, I have the urge to write something like 'she truly is a worthless piece of garbage'. Hysterical. Morbidly awful. It makes me sick.

Regardless if it's something others would find funny or not, it's not light, laughy humour I'm feeling, it's interpretively degrading humour. If I'm putting down something personal, I don't find it funny because I'm laughing at the past, I find it funny because... 'watch it squirm.'

Another explanation is that you have a sense of humour, and that's a fact. It helps in realizing the fun and joy in every little detail and aspect of life. What I find amazing about you is that you continue to find all that even though your life took a miserable turn at a young age.

I try to be funny sometimes about things like that, down to every last detail, yes, and it pains me to say that.

Why are you sorry? This is one of the best forums on the web, in my opinion. I came here to talk about Rayman and read news about him, I stayed for the wonderful people that can help each other in their worst times. Another thing is the humour of the people here - most topics guarantee at least a single laugh or at least a giggle, maybe even a smirk. There are members like Canard WC and Comment ? who, for newcomers, appear really random and think they should be banned. When you get to know the forum, and learn some backstories, you know that they are just a few of the helping, good people here. You mentioned something a while back, that online you found a lot of good friends. That is true for me and probably a lot of members here. I got touched when you made an entire topic about you saving your friend from comitting suicide. I see it can be really sad, seeing how your life is turning out, but think positive and try to change it. You'll be moving to Europe in no time, won't you? I can bet everything will only go better since then! Also, I fucking hate long sleeves

Very true, which is the same reason I think this forum is so great.

I do constantly think very positively, as I'm a positive person. In fact, I don't think there's been a point in time in which I've ever been horribly negative. I just have so much that I need to do here, as well as my own self-compulsary hobbies and activities (like ROTD), but I find it incredibly hard to concentrate while living here. I know it's just for a couple more years, and then maybe things will be a little easier. Maybe the self-degrading meaning behind a lot of my posts and jokes won't feel so mandatory; I still don't have any clue why I do it. It just feels... satisfactory for some reason.

[Rulez]

I'm not entirely sure if you misunderstood my post, but she didn't live. She's dead now, and I can rightfully take some of the blame. Rulez, imagine if your little brother had been brutally tortured, skinned and then murdered just a year ago, and all because you were being very careless. Is it funny? I highly doubt it. Do you know what the sick part is? I find that funny, really funny actually, AHAHAH, and saying things like I'm saying right now are why some people despise me as a person, but I can't honestly hide the fact that I find it hilarious. Tomek's brother having his throat cut open and letting it bleed into dead Katie's drowned corpse. I don't know, maybe this is their way of expressing love! What now, I have the urge to write something like 'she truly is a worthless piece of garbage'. Hysterical. Morbidly awful. It makes me sick.

Aw, that's awful. However, how come it would be because of you being careless? You weren't a rapist. Do you mean, careless, as in not caring about what would happen, ignoring the safety of your close friend? I can't really tell the reason behind you finding stuff like that funny. If I were to think a bit deeper, I may find the conclusion.
I really wish I could help. Could you go on Facebook and try to tell me as much details as possible? This is starting to make me wonder as well.

[Adsolution]

Aw, that's awful. However, how come it would be because of you being careless? You weren't a rapist. Do you mean, careless, as in not caring about what would happen, ignoring the safety of your close friend? I can't really tell the reason behind you finding stuff like that funny. If I were to think a bit deeper, I may find the conclusion.
I really wish I could help. Could you go on Facebook and try to tell me as much details as possible? This is starting to make me wonder as well.

She trusted me with everything she had, and I decided to finally say something stupid and I made an even stupider decision by leaving for the night very shortly after. Not just ignoring her safety, completely butchering it, and look how it turned out, the very next day she was gone. I don't really know what else to say other than I tried for a while, but failed miserably with my own emotions.

If I said how I truly felt here, I would sound like the most selfish asshole on the face of the Earth.

[spiraldoor]

Heh, she used to take me with her up until a bit over a year ago actually. They were week-long nightmares where I would think non-stop throughout every day and night "there are only x days left, there are only x days left." What joyous fun having to lock and barricade yourself in the motel bathroom was, whilst you have someone on the other end chasing you with a book in one hand and a bared fist in the other, shrieking and threatening my own death. The one time she got me back on my very last trip with her, holy shit, there wasn't any light for the rest of the day.

Why don’t you just tell her that you know you were adopted? It doesn’t sound like there’s much of a relationship there to be damaged, and it’s hard to imagine her reaction being any worse than her current behaviour. Surely any significant shake-up could only result in improvement? If I were in your situation, I’d reveal my knowledge to her in a public and amusingly melodramatic fashion.

Don’t you want to learn your real name and nationality, and find out who your real family are? I find it hard to imagine your adoptive family trying to keep this sort of information from you if you were to confront them about it.

[Adsolution]

Why don’t you just tell her that you know you were adopted? It doesn’t sound like there’s much of a relationship there to be damaged, and it’s hard to imagine her reaction being any worse than her current behaviour. Surely any significant shake-up could only result in improvement? If I were in your situation, I’d reveal my knowledge to her in a public and amusingly melodramatic fashion.

Presenting it amusingly/melodramatically was actually exactly how I had planned to do it if I ever were to do it. But how would I know her reaction? It would be satisfactory at the moment, but what if she goes as far as to disown me? Given some of her threats I see it as a viable possibility, and I don't want to risk anything getting any worse than it is. - Ironically, things have never been better, which is really quite pitiful. I don't know how I would be able to handle anything getting worse, since I'm already pressured enough as it is with school work, paid work, and personal work. It may be prolonging an answer, but if I ever do it, it would be just a few days before I move out. Only about two and a half more years to go till that happens, I think I could possibly manage.

Don’t you want to learn your real name and nationality, and find out who your real family are? I find it hard to imagine your adoptive family trying to keep this sort of information from you if you were to confront them about it.

Finding out my name would be interesting, and finding out my nationality would be even more interesting. Finding out about my real family... I have trouble saying the same. It would be interesting to know why this happened, but that's about it. I have no desire to meet them.

[spiraldoor]

Finding out my name would be interesting, and finding out my nationality would be even more interesting. Finding out about my real family... I have trouble saying the same. It would be interesting to know why this happened, but that's about it. I have no desire to meet them.

I don’t get this at all. Even if you don’t want to know the parents who gave you up, you could still have a bunch of brothers and sisters who might not even know that you exist, and probably want to meet you if they do. In your circumstances, I wouldn’t be able to sit still for a minute – let alone two and a half years.

[Adsolution]

I don’t get this at all. Even if you don’t want to know the parents who gave you up, you could still have a bunch of brothers and sisters who might not even know that you exist, and probably want to meet you if they do. In your circumstances, I wouldn’t be able to sit still for a minute – let alone two and a half years.

Even though I've had a long time to deliberate this, I think those couple sentences you just said might have changed my mind, since I was only thinking parent-wise (I know, that does sound kind of stupid for me to only have thought of the parents). That actually sounds welcoming and makes me smile when I think about it, and now I really want to go through with it. I still am going to wait though until I have my freedom, and then I'll hope to everything that there are some people waiting for me over there. It also gives me some incentive to touch up on my German. Maybe I can even meet Sasha and Kalum again, who were my two friends back in the old place. That would certainly be interesting.

Then again, if not, then I guess that's how it is, which is why I'm not setting my hopes up very high. I'll welcome it as an extra pleasant surprise when I do find out though.

[neo]

Ah ha, I was actually thinking of making this exact topic, but then I found I already made it.

Bumping for convenience. I'm also glad to see it has developed quite well.

I'm very open to helping anyone who's having a bad day, so I'll lend you my ear is you need one.

++ I'll also slow down the bumping. I think this should be enough for now. Don't want to annoy everyone. ++

[Adsolution]

Fuck. I should have posted this ( viewtopic.php?p=752167#p752167 ) here, but I didn't want to double post and/or flood the thread any more than I already have. :< It does bug me, though, and it's most definitely a doldrum.

[neo]

So what are you thinking of doing? Do you have an actual idea?

It's either you are going to try again, or not for some time (because of the let down).

If you know you aren't going to try again for some time, wouldn't it be best to stop thinking about it? It'll be too stressful and it can be distracting while you are trying to do a certain task or have conversation. Committ to not thinking about it if you can't 'do anything' about it at the time, because thinking about it does nothing if you can't do a thing about it.

When having a face to face conversation, look the person in the eye. You may be having a hard time to look because you don't want them paying attention to your eye, but at the same time they'll try to be polite and try not to stare. Honestly it's going to be an obvious difference that one can notice. Yet you have to acknowledge that, but still confront people knowing that. Once you do that, your friends won't care about it, they'll only look at YOU for your personality, because you aren't worried about it, and they won't worry about seeming impolite the first few times. It'll only be another eye after that point.

Of course, it may be something you'll want to eventually try to fix later down the road. But don't try to rush it. It's like me saying "Yeah I'll try getting braces again, when I have money, and when I get the braces I'll be able to have better looking teeth". I mean, I'm 23, but I still have my partial youth (maybe until 30 hahahaha) and if I get my braces within the next few years, I'll be able to still have some good sets of teeth even if it wasn't from early on.

ADDITION: I think looking at others with your similar issue is fine too. You can see how others have dealt with it and it can make you feel somewhat better that there are those he know how you feel. Yet that's all it can do, show you that others know your pain. But then the rest of it is you dealing with that pain, somehow. Either by acting or just being confident with it.

I don't know if this is what you wanted, but of course it's not sugar coated. It's real talk.

[Bzzit]

Sitting there mesmerized by the rarity of sunshine, I sensed the entity approaching, that familiar shifting glance. The way you carelessly stride, an illusion of a Monarchy dwelling within. I can see your pathetic notions and ideologies with one simple scan, You and your pack. That crinkled, common rag, crimson waste covered yet shining immensely, as clear as the day. An unfortunate tale of evolution from a childhood icepop, premature and pathetically text book. As I pass, high up in my throne a sudden sense of superiority, a view within a bubble that would not be penetrated even by the sharp meeting of our eyes, slow motion intact. Time stops for a mere second. As you laugh those petty illusions still intact, both our feeble strike of predominance collide. Pisses me off soooo bad

[Adsolution]

Do you have an actual idea?

It's either you are going to try again, or not for some time (because of the let down).

Try what?

If you know you aren't going to try again for some time, wouldn't it be best to stop thinking about it? It'll be too stressful and it can be distracting while you are trying to do a certain task or have conversation. Committ to not thinking about it if you can't 'do anything' about it at the time, because thinking about it does nothing if you can't do a thing about it.

Committing to not thinking about it is like committing to not getting the hiccups; Sorry, I couldn't come up with a better analogy. I'm not able to foresee it, and once it's there, it doesn't want to leave until an unspecified amount of time passes (usually between half a day to two or three days). It's not only that that's the issue though, there are some other more general things such as a general feeling of discomfort. Usually when it happens, I become and feel useless. Outside of these random episodes I'm not like that, I'm very motivated, the negative mindset just likes to completely take control when it comes into play. I swear, every time it happens, I become very slightly more and more like that normally.

When having a face to face conversation, look the person in the eye. You may be having a hard time to look because you don't want them paying attention to your eye, but at the same time they'll try to be polite and try not to stare. Honestly it's going to be an obvious difference that one can notice. Yet you have to acknowledge that, but still confront people knowing that. Once you do that, your friends won't care about it, they'll only look at YOU for your personality, because you aren't worried about it, and they won't worry about seeming impolite the first few times. It'll only be another eye after that point.

I do look at my friends normally, and they do the same to me. Though when speaking to someone I don't know, I do actually automatically tilt my head to the left (to make my right eye more visible than the left) without even thinking about it. I've made the conscious effort at times not to, though I've found that the more I stop caring, the more people ask about it. In a way it's a convenience thing almost.

Of course, it may be something you'll want to eventually try to fix later down the road. But don't try to rush it. It's like me saying "Yeah I'll try getting braces again, when I have money, and when I get the braces I'll be able to have better looking teeth". I mean, I'm 23, but I still have my partial youth (maybe until 30 hahahaha) and if I get my braces within the next few years, I'll be able to still have some good sets of teeth even if it wasn't from early on.

I don't really know how it would be able to be fixed (unless fully bionic eyes become a thing), but even still, I'm not sure I would want to have it fixed unless it reaches that point. It's almost become a part of my identity.

- I think I'm the only one out of my household and friends who hasn't needed braces. Even my wisdom teeth are all growing in fine.

ADDITION: I think looking at others with your similar issue is fine too. You can see how others have dealt with it and it can make you feel somewhat better that there are those he know how you feel. Yet that's all it can do, show you that others know your pain. But then the rest of it is you dealing with that pain, somehow. Either by acting or just being confident with it.

I don't know if this is what you wanted, but of course it's not sugar coated. It's real talk.

Of course, sugar-coating is pointless. I actually was expecting something even a little more raw to be honest. ;>

--

Sitting there mesmerized by the rarity of sunshine, I sensed the entity approaching, that familiar shifting glance. The way you carelessly stride, an illusion of a Monarchy dwelling within. I can see your pathetic notions and ideologies with one simple scan, You and your pack. That crinkled, common rag, crimson waste covered yet shining immensely, as clear as the day. An unfortunate tale of evolution from a childhood icepop, premature and pathetically text book. As I pass, high up in my throne a sudden sense of superiority, a view within a bubble that would not be penetrated even by the sharp meeting of our eyes, slow motion intact. Time stops for a mere second. As you laugh those petty illusions still intact, both our feeble strike of predominance collide. Pisses me off soooo bad

All the pretty ones grow up to be bitchy conformist whores?

[neo]

Try what?

Another surgery, but the point is moot now.

Committing to not thinking about it is like committing to not getting the hiccups; Sorry, I couldn't come up with a better analogy. I'm not able to foresee it, and once it's there, it doesn't want to leave until an unspecified amount of time passes (usually between half a day to two or three days). It's not only that that's the issue though, there are some other more general things such as a general feeling of discomfort. Usually when it happens, I become and feel useless. Outside of these random episodes I'm not like that, I'm very motivated, the negative mindset just likes to completely take control when it comes into play. I swear, every time it happens, I become very slightly more and more like that normally.

I see. Ok, now I can understand. Sort of like when you get an itchy eye and it gets watery, and it just bothers you and doesn't go away instantly. Like that? Or is it worse? In that case, I guess you are on the right track with dealing with it. Yet once it starts bothering you, it reminds you of it being there. Ok? I say that you accept this flaw. We all have a flaw. When I think of a person having a flaw, I might just think "oh some little dimple or something on a person's butt" or something. But there can be any kind of flaw. Then, when you accept it, you don't have anything to feel negative about, right? If you still do, then you totally haven't accepted it. That way, you can try to make up for it, no matter how bad it makes you feel. I would also just try to listen to some song that can help you relate. Maybe Thom Yorke has a song that talks about this? Or try this: Minus the Bear - "Houston we have an Uh Oh"

I do wonder what exactly you say to yourself when the discomfort does come.

I do look at my friends normally, and they do the same to me. Though when speaking to someone I don't know, I do actually automatically tilt my head to the left (to make my right eye more visible than the left) without even thinking about it. I've made the conscious effort at times not to, though I've found that the more I stop caring, the more people ask about it. In a way it's a convenience thing almost.

Ah I see, ok.

I don't really know how it would be able to be fixed (unless fully bionic eyes become a thing), but even still, I'm not sure I would want to have it fixed unless it reaches that point. It's almost become a part of my identity.

Ah, true true.

- I think I'm the only one out of my household and friends who hasn't needed braces. Even my wisdom teeth are all growing in fine.

Yeah I got braces, and then retainers, but I lost the retainers. lol

Of course, sugar-coating is pointless. I actually was expecting something even a little more raw to be honest. ;>

;D

[Rayfist]

Something bothering me: The fact that I still have yet to get a job. I hopefully will this summer, I just get so depressed when I see a game I love but don't have enough cash for it. I want to re-buy the whole Spyro trilogy which my mother threw out while I was young, so hopefully I can get my hands on it. I mean Nintendo is going to release SO many good games soon, and I probably won't have enough money for them.

[neo]

Something bothering me: The fact that I still have yet to get a job. I hopefully will this summer, I just get so depressed when I see a game I love but don't have enough cash for it. I want to re-buy the whole Spyro trilogy which my mother threw out while I was young, so hopefully I can get my hands on it. I mean Nintendo is going to release SO many good games soon, and I probably won't have enough money for them.

The only thing you'll miss out on is playing the game on the first day it comes out. Yet you can wait, as I have always done. I never really got to play games when they came out, I could only catch up. Friends are always playing the new thing, while you are playing the older version and having to stay put with that. The great thing is that you have plenty of time to catch up. That Spyro Trilogy? It won't go anywhere. Once you have the money to buy it, it'll be in your room ready to be put into the console. Once you have some money come in, you'll be able to play SOMETHING with your friend. You just have to make sure you ask a few of your friends what games they have that they would LIKE to play with you. For example, there was an xbox sale a long while back, and I asked my friend what games I should get from the list that he had, and one of them was RE 6 and Dead Island, and so I got those. We played some RE 6 and I kept dying. xD We have still yet to play Dead Island. I should get on that actually, hmm.

Considering Nintendo. I don't know what games you are talking about, so please list a few. I was wondering about getting a Wii U, but held my ground and didn't buy it because, they don't have much games for it yet that would be a benefit to buying the $389 bundle with controller that most games don't support yet.

About you not getting a job yet. If you are worried you haven't done well with interviews, how about you try mock interviews with a friend? Try polishing your resume if you need one. I have recently done mock interviews to do just that, get a better feel for interviews! It can help alot! And of course, volunteer to get job experience. Experience can be important.

[Rayfist]

Something bothering me: The fact that I still have yet to get a job. I hopefully will this summer, I just get so depressed when I see a game I love but don't have enough cash for it. I want to re-buy the whole Spyro trilogy which my mother threw out while I was young, so hopefully I can get my hands on it. I mean Nintendo is going to release SO many good games soon, and I probably won't have enough money for them.

The only thing you'll miss out on is playing the game on the first day it comes out. Yet you can wait, as I have always done. I never really got to play games when they came out, I could only catch up. Friends are always playing the new thing, while you are playing the older version and having to stay put with that. The great thing is that you have plenty of time to catch up. That Spyro Trilogy? It won't go anywhere. Once you have the money to buy it, it'll be in your room ready to be put into the console. Once you have some money come in, you'll be able to play SOMETHING with your friend. You just have to make sure you ask a few of your friends what games they have that they would LIKE to play with you. For example, there was an xbox sale a long while back, and I asked my friend what games I should get from the list that he had, and one of them was RE 6 and Dead Island, and so I got those. We played some RE 6 and I kept dying. xD We have still yet to play Dead Island. I should get on that actually, hmm.

Considering Nintendo. I don't know what games you are talking about, so please list a few. I was wondering about getting a Wii U, but held my ground and didn't buy it because, they don't have much games for it yet that would be a benefit to buying the $389 bundle with controller that most games don't support yet.

About you not getting a job yet. If you are worried you haven't done well with interviews, how about you try mock interviews with a friend? Try polishing your resume if you need one. I have recently done mock interviews to do just that, get a better feel for interviews! It can help alot! And of course, volunteer to get job experience. Experience can be important.

I'm applying for more, so no worries.
As for Nintendo list:
-Game and Wario
-Zelda Windwaker HD
-Zelda A link to the past 2
-Project X zone
and MANY more I'll need money for. I'm not talking about new games though here mostly, I'm mostly talking about the old games, like the spyro trilogy I mentioned I just hope the price doesn't raise over time on ebay that is all.

[Adsolution]

depressed

Lel.

Anyway, definitely try getting a summer job. You were looking for a job at Gamestop I believe, or perhaps the retro games store? Regardless, I think your personality would be awesome for that kind of thing. You're so damn likable in person.

--

I see. Ok, now I can understand. Sort of like when you get an itchy eye and it gets watery, and it just bothers you and doesn't go away instantly. Like that? Or is it worse? In that case, I guess you are on the right track with dealing with it. Yet once it starts bothering you, it reminds you of it being there. Ok? I say that you accept this flaw. We all have a flaw. When I think of a person having a flaw, I might just think "oh some little dimple or something on a person's butt" or something. But there can be any kind of flaw. Then, when you accept it, you don't have anything to feel negative about, right? If you still do, then you totally haven't accepted it. That way, you can try to make up for it, no matter how bad it makes you feel. I would also just try to listen to some song that can help you relate. Maybe Thom Yorke has a song that talks about this? Or try this: Minus the Bear - "Houston we have an Uh Oh"

The clear difference though is that "accepting the fact that seemingly random things completely destroy my mood" I don't think will help. If by some strange chance it does, it would be me accepting that I'm useless and I suck, and eventually maybe once it becomes my global mindset I'll be able to change my mind, eliminating it. I don't even know if that makes sense though.

I do wonder what exactly you say to yourself when the discomfort does come.

I don't usually say anything really, not that I'm aware of. In my head I might be saying "agh fuckfuckfuck why the fuck is my head fucking doing this." or something along those lines. Other times I might think "What am I doing? How in the world am I, someone who's sitting inside doing Biology homework, supposed to become a successful game developer and animated film director?" I want to go to post-secondary for the experience of meeting all these new people who I could potentially work with in the future, but I often try to balance whether or not it's worth it to put in the effort of finishing this drag known as high school to get there. Everyone always tells me to get a degree because it's what's needed to succeed in the world today, but every time anyone says that, I want to beat them in the face with a fucking hammer. They imply that it's something to fall back on in the event that I don't succeed - what? Since when, in any point of time, have I been the kind of person to give up? I don't care what it takes really. If Revenge of the Dark fails and I need to live on the street for something as simple as getting a job in composition to be able to work up enough money to build a studio, then I would without question. Getting a degree for the purpose of having something to fall back on I find just dirty, despicable and completely immoral in every sense. I deem all those who have told me to get a degree for that purpose to get fucked, cunts. The only reason I'm going to post-secondary (the Art Institute) is so I can learn and explore.

My ambition is what keeps me happy, yet even that is entirely overcome by these ridiculous moments I have.