Pluses (+) and minuses (−) of this day

[Keane]

Counselling at your school sounds like foster care, it's dumb and depressing.

None of what originally gained my attention for this program has actually happened. And besides, this is supposed to be the professional counselor for the entire district, yet he's managed to just forget our meetings three times (Not that I mind, though...). I understand that this is going to require me to come out of my comfort zone, and I agreed to that, but there's nothing really making me want to do that. I feel more like I'm just a short little something squeezed into his schedule and he's always trying to rush it (Last time he just asked how I was. I said okay, and he let me go. Well then.)

Just out of curiosity, what were some of these awkward questions?

Oh haha, I think I wrote it a little confusing. I meant that I believe they want us to eat lunch together, so It'll likely be five minutes of "What's your name?" and "You like this thing?" until we run out of that and just lock our eyes on the clock.

[incognito]

I.think its not.productive. Waste.of time.

And I think you're homosexual.[/quote]

No, im not.

Love is just a signal produced by the brain and the hormones

An electric signal , nothing less.
For me being distracted by any product or social life or any relationship is a sign i can't control myself. Like when someone is drunk and hit someone its a sign of spiritual weakness.

[Adsolution]

+ Since only one out of three people showed up to perform today at the Kiwanis festival I'm an ambassador at, in the ample spare time between sets, I was allowed to play on their $300,000 Steinway grand for about half an hour, even though I wasn't a performer. Never have I felt such an amazing piano before. Whoa.

- My feet cramp so easily. I simply crack one of my right toes, and bam!

For me being distracted by any product or social life or any relationship is a sign i can't control myself.

You just listed half of life's purpose, so essentially, enjoying or feeling strongly for nearly anything is "a sign you can't control yourself"? What are you being distracted from then, other distractions?

Like when someone is drunk and hit someone its a sign of spiritual weakness.

I don't see how this relates to my love for Romantic piano music. In order for it to fit that analogy, it would have to negatively affect my lifestyle and those around me. Since the latter apparently isn't so, and the former is quite the opposite in that it inspires me to work harder, please explain to me wtf you're talking about.



Either that, or you've completely misinterpreted what I initially said about being 'intoxicated' by said musical genre, in which case I'd advise you to read a dictionary.

[incognito]

So :

[Adsolution]

I was actually kind of hoping you'd try to reason, but bah.

[Shrooblord]

By the way, I'd love to be able to listen to some examples of what you did! I've been missing your musical endeavours, lately. Your style speaks to me in a way not many people's do.

Sure, I can share them on Skype if you'd like.

Excellent! We'll talk.

My dream project is still to be given entire freedom to compose for a game or film. Arthias, a project an acquaintance of mine now working at 20th Century Fox is designing, is perfect for me. (...) It's the first and only other project I've ever joined that I've not lost a single gram of interest in, even after so many years of waiting. Out of all the people on CryDev, this guy has a vision.

That sounds great! I hope you do get to be able to make some stuff for him (them?) - having an aspired project is a great thing to be able to work towards, but even greater if you get to accomplish it.

Oh, please record some of your playing! Reading this makes me so excited for when you, Tomek and I meet up, it's great to hear how well you're doing!

Will do! I've been meaning to get some more recordings up on my YouTube channel for my family (my grandmother just turned 90 - can you believe that! What an incredible age to be able to live to!) and for the few others who are interested (I realise my channel doesn't reach a very wide audience and that's absolutely fine by me - but if I get one person to smile at my content, at least, that's a victory in and of itself).
And it's good you brought this up - it was something I wanted to talk to you about, specifically because I've been so out-of-touch with you guys and the community as whole, lately. I wanted to know if this plan we had was still solid - but it seems it is!

it's generally some kind of neo-Romantic, impressionistic, partially-Rachmaninoff epic with some minimalism and mild elements of jazz harmony infusion, if I had to describe it in a sentence, but it isn't as weird or cool as that description sounds.

Oh, I was just going to say that it did lol

Interestingly, I would have probably ended up using them like you do if I didn't happen to have large hands, which allow me to easily strike tenths and elevenths. My typical fallback for a bassline is 1-5-10, or 1-5-8-10, which both luckily contains all three notes in a triad, so it gives a very full sound. However, aimless repetition of methods is never the best someone can do, so I empathise with you greatly!

Mmm that sounds good. I just tried it on the piano. It's not something I'll be able to physically make use of (my hands just about don't stretch that far), but I'll maybe see if this sounds nice in some of my more composed music. shall we say. I'm still waiting on my computer to be fixed though. I haven't been able to compose music with my Cubase for four months now! :c

Same here actually, in fact, I think most of the things I've written just came out randomly and sound very different than what I would normally improvise or try. That isn't to say one is better than the other, it just happens to be that way.

No, indeed, in fact, I listen to some of my very oldest stuff sometimes, or I play it again depending on whether it's a song or one of those weirdy electronic things I used to compose when I was about 14 (or younger? Sheesh, that feels long ago...) and I find a new appreciation for them, hearing harmonies or specific sets of tones that I didn't really notice back then, because it all fell into the style I happened to be employing at that time. It's fun how sometimes I can surprise myself with how good some improvisations can sound, even if they're only one or two bars long (or is that because they're only that long?), as arrogant as that may sound. Music is a great thing, I feel that the more and more I talk about it with people and even more the more I play with different people.

It's cool sometimes, the hidden talents you find in people when you start making music with them. It's a form of communication, it truly is, and it allows us to talk more directly than we ever could with words, I do think.


+ This conversation got me thinking about how wonderful it is to be here right now. Haha enjoy life, guys! Be happy you've got a chance to be part of it.

[Adsolution]

(my grandmother just turned 90 - can you believe that! What an incredible age to be able to live to!

On that note, consider how our average lifespans have been increasing by the decade. There's a good chance our generation will all easily live to be over a hundred!

And it's good you brought this up - it was something I wanted to talk to you about, specifically because I've been so out-of-touch with you guys and the community as whole, lately. I wanted to know if this plan we had was still solid - but it seems it is!

No worries at all, I can assure you Tomek and I are steadfast on this decision; we talk about every day, and every other day you come up as well in conversation, usually envisioning how parts would be performed live. For instance, in my song Shrieking Dusk, I would be on celesta and vocals, you would be on organ and a strings patch, and Tomek would of course be on drums. UnknownBassPlayer would then be on bass - even though Keane has said that he isn't interested in playing on stage and whatnot, I still can't stop picturing him with us, and that he'd really enjoy something like bass, and that I think it could be really good for him in his situation. After all, what a joy becoming socially active in-person with friends you knew and understand online would be. But of course, these are my own thoughts and wishes, and I'm not inside Keane's brain.

Even though our contact with you has been relatively sparse, we were always the ones hoping that you'd still be interested actually, because that would just be damn perfect.

Mmm that sounds good. I just tried it on the piano. It's not something I'll be able to physically make use of (my hands just about don't stretch that far), but I'll maybe see if this sounds nice in some of my more composed music. shall we say. I'm still waiting on my computer to be fixed though. I haven't been able to compose music with my Cubase for four months now! :c

Eyy, that sounds painful. On the topic of Cubase actually, I've considered migrating from Logic over to there many-a-time, and the fact that you use it only motivates that feeling further, as we'd be able to work together much better then. Also, I wouldn't have to put up with fucking Macs. ;>

It's a form of communication, it truly is, and it allows us to talk more directly than we ever could with words, I do think.

It gets more of an idea across than words do. Words are the stone-cold facts, and music provides the setting. Poetry is similar to music in that the phrasing is the music. I've never thought that super-metaphorical poetry on top of music sounded particularly good though.

[Keane]

+ Counselor didn't show any sign of life again

- I'm thinking he likely moved it to tomorrow or Friday

+ I'm feeling surprisingly better than the past couple days

[Shrooblord]

Even though our contact with you has been relatively sparse, we were always the ones hoping that you'd still be interested actually, because that would just be damn perfect.

Haha that sounded fantastic. I can envision it all now.
The thing is, our plan coincides precisely with me finishing my Bachelors in my field of study, so that should mean I have ample time to do what I want - however, seeing as I'll probably want to follow up with a Masters, we'll have to see how things go in the end. But I'm sure we'll work it out - there's no chance I'll pass this opportunity up!

On the topic of Cubase actually, I've considered migrating from Logic over to there many-a-time, and the fact that you use it only motivates that feeling further, as we'd be able to work together much better then. Also, I wouldn't have to put up with fucking Macs. ;>

Really, you've turned on Macs? I've just 'inherited' a Macbook and I've got to say I'm incredibly impressed with its power and overall handling of things. Yes, it's a pain that I have to manually port over some things to Mac-variants of the programs, but in the end, that's not that big of a deal. Is it this that you dislike? Programs' availability?
Anyway, Cubase, so far, has given me a whole lot of joy ~I've only used SE3 though, and that's a severely outdated version~. That put aside, I can only assume the program has gotten better over the years. But since I don't know, there's no real telling.

It gets more of an idea across than words do. Words are the stone-cold facts, and music provides the setting. Poetry is similar to music in that the phrasing is the music. I've never thought that super-metaphorical poetry on top of music sounded particularly good though.

That's a good analogy. And no, I can't imagine it would!

[Earth Gwee]

- I had very little time this morning to eat and ended up going hungry until after my first class of the day.

+ There are only about 3 weeks of school left until my summer vacation.

- I still have some extra credit to do.

+ But my art history instructor is kind enough to completely exempt my lowest test score from my overall grade. As long as I do well on the final test and do the extra credit, I'll pass the class.

[Keane]

+ I'm actually going to just barely pass algebra for this "six week" period

- So as I expected, today I got called in by my counselor again and met what he figured would become my "inseparable friend". I talked to him for about a minute before both of us just became too uncomfortable with the whole thing, and in that minute it became clear to me that the counselor is either just desperate to get rid of me or has absolutely no idea who I am because this is about as far as you can get from being anyone I'll even have small talk with. Anyway, I believe I'm supposed to have a lunch with him Thursday, something both of us clearly didn't want, and I think I'm just gonna not show up and tell the counselor that this is just not the way to do this sort of thing and probably go ahead and ask if we're actually going to be doing anything worthwhile, else I'm going to ask my parents to take me off this, because this isn't doing anything but causing unnecessary stress on me. It's beyond pissing me off that when I finally decided to share that I'm socially anxious, that all that has happened is a ton of bullshit that's only been making it worse. This needs to be seriously addressed. I'm barely capable of normal conversation outside my family, get nervous from just being glanced at or having someone say hello, I want it to stop, but by going "if this doesnt work we'll just sign you up for a club" and then pushing me into another situation with people who are expecting me to be social and comfortable, It's fucking worthless.

[Shrooblord]

That's terrible Keane! I know how I'd act around you ('normal' if you were wondering haha) - and hark - hear you talk to all of us with what appears to be considerable ease. It sounds like you just need a relaxed group of people around you who aren't there specifically because they want you to talk, but who would listen if you did talk. Of course it won't help your anxiety if you're in a room of people staring at you hungrily to hear the words come out and then responding with maybe so maybe not fake 'Oh, yes, wonderful!' remarks.

No, you need to hang out with us guys! ;D
But seriously - I think you just gotta get out there and try to find someone who fits that sort of description. Basically, someone who you like enough to call your friend. Or your acquaintance, even, if you're more comfortable with that. Don't expect other people to find you your friends - the only one who'll know who you like is you. That doesn't mean to shut out suggestions from others, but rather, try the suggestions out carefully and see where it leads. If you don't like it, leave. You'll find someone you like and you'll forget all about what it means to be socially anxious.

Sincerely- I am not a counselor, of course - but I hope you find something of value in my words.

[Keane]

+ Writing a note asking my father not to wake me up and just let me stay home because I'm feeling so like shit and I don't want to do anything anymore and I seriously would rather do fucking anything than face the forced lunch tomorrow. It just scares me so much. Hopefully he'll agree.

That's terrible Keane! I know how I'd act around you ('normal' if you were wondering haha) - and hark - hear you talk to all of us with what appears to be considerable ease. It sounds like you just need a relaxed group of people around you who aren't there specifically because they want you to talk, but who would listen if you did talk. Of course it won't help your anxiety if you're in a room of people staring at you hungrily to hear the words come out and then responding with maybe so maybe not fake 'Oh, yes, wonderful!' remarks.

I can be talkative, but not in the slightest if it's clear that someone doesn't care or it's in a forced situation, in which case I'll sometimes just push the limits of how much I try to pretend to ignore someone or politely hint that I'm not interested to talk. Sadly the result of that is whenever I do have the courage to say something it's not even heard because "the awkward quiet kid just said something" and it's so obvious that thought is completely dominating over what I'm saying.

But yes, I don't want to talk to anyone who doesn't care, so I'm just going to hide away in the people and seeing the absolute dread in the other guy's face, I think he'll prefer to assume I'm sick rather than to go looking for me. Then that leaves the matter of convincing my parents to take me off this whole bullshit, although It's starting to become pretty clear to them too that this counselor has little to no interest in me or my situation.

No, you need to hang out with us guys! ;D
But seriously - I think you just gotta get out there and try to find someone who fits that sort of description. Basically, someone who you like enough to call your friend. Or your acquaintance, even, if you're more comfortable with that. Don't expect other people to find you your friends - the only one who'll know who you like is you. That doesn't mean to shut out suggestions from others, but rather, try the suggestions out carefully and see where it leads. If you don't like it, leave. You'll find someone you like and you'll forget all about what it means to be socially anxious.

Sincerely- I am not a counselor, of course - but I hope you find something of value in my words.

Haha, I'm aware of all this. It's more that I can't really find people at all. There's not really anyone that I can match up with myself, or feel like they share some similar interests or humour or anything really. I don't want to think with prejudice against anyone, but I do believe there's still a cultural barrier between me and the genera public, and that's just not gonna go away. When I think about my interests, my opinions on things, and my humour, It's about as opposite of what it's like around here. But like I said, that doesn't mean that everyone is the same, I don't consider myself all that Dutch when I look at the culture, but it's pretty fucking tough to spot people who are different. And I want a legitimate friendship, not another "yeah we kinda talk about games and lie about our personalities because we still don't really know each other after two years" relationship.

[Zikken]

+ I made myself a new friend today, It's hard for me to make friends so I'm super happy. ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
- Dad is in the hospital, they are keeping him there until next week.

[Master]

- I've been feeling a little anxious of late, pre-exam stresses don't help.
+ I've had this kind of feeling before, so I'm looking on the bright side and trying to keep my resolve.

[Earth Gwee]

+ Got some work done for the Mario comic I'm helping to make.

+ I'm ready to do the extra credit tomorrow. Just two short write-ups to do.

- I'm really sleepy at the moment, but I want to let a video I just made finish converting. I don't know what were to happen if I put my computer on Hibernate before it's done and I really don't want to find out.

[Cairnie]

- We're stuck in the car outside in the sticks due to a flat tyre and waiting for my bf's dad to come and put a new one in

+ carrot cake

[THEdragon]

- Meant to be writing an essay about 'The Secret River' and I have to email it to my teacher on Monday and I have been too lazy to start it.
- The Secret River is Boring. Eugh.
+ Now would be a good time to wash this gross foundation and mascara off my face and settle down to drawing weird vector fanart while listening to either conspiracy theory discussions, spoopy creppy stories, or Alt-J's like KEXP performance for the someteenth time.
+ Glory to the Homestar Runner!
+/- My hair was straightened today.
+ It's my cousin's first birthday.
- I'll never like the books schools make us read. They're always about poverty and politics and prejudice and stuff. I mean, I know all that's important, but I swear it's like they're trying to make us feel miserable and/or guilty.

[Master]

- The end of the holidays is almost here
- The huge season of exams is nearly here
+ At least I take solace in the fact that I'll be free after.

[THEdragon]

- I have no idea how to write this essay.
- The Secret River is still boring.
+ Homestar Runner is still great.