Something Bothering you?/Daily Doldrums

[beebo44]

Last year I chose art as one of my elective lessons for this year. I thought I would learn some stuff from it but I've ended up hating the lessons all year. I know for a fact that this is largely due to my shitty art teacher. She gives us instructions on what to do and never explains it or tells us to do make our artworks whatever way we want and then insist on forcing her opinion onto it.

It seems like since I started art class I've been growing more and more disappointed in my own works, and it sucks because I love doing it. I'm not that good but I've always been satisfied enough with what I do. I see other people who are amazing artists but it doesn't really get me down it actually inspires me to practice more to become better. For some reason this year I've just felt the complete opposite, so much so that I've started avoiding drawing anything at all. It's not that I fear others' judgement, I'm open to criticism. I'm not sure exactly how to explain it but it feels like I'm just scared of doing anything related to art now. It might seem like something pretty minor but it's something I love to do and it's slowly been eating away at me since the start of the year.

[OCG]

This video describes what is bothering me:

[saerleiya]

Last year I chose art as one of my elective lessons for this year. I thought I would learn some stuff from it but I've ended up hating the lessons all year. I know for a fact that this is largely due to my shitty art teacher. She gives us instructions on what to do and never explains it or tells us to do make our artworks whatever way we want and then insist on forcing her opinion onto it.

It seems like since I started art class I've been growing more and more disappointed in my own works, and it sucks because I love doing it. I'm not that good but I've always been satisfied enough with what I do. I see other people who are amazing artists but it doesn't really get me down it actually inspires me to practice more to become better. For some reason this year I've just felt the complete opposite, so much so that I've started avoiding drawing anything at all. It's not that I fear others' judgement, I'm open to criticism. I'm not sure exactly how to explain it but it feels like I'm just scared of doing anything related to art now. It might seem like something pretty minor but it's something I love to do and it's slowly been eating away at me since the start of the year.

I don't have all the elements to try to answer your problem, but I will still try.

First, if it is one of your elective lessons, I guess it isn't the main field you are studying. Thinking about that is important to me: did you wait too much about the art lessons? Maybe you jsut thought it would be awesome to study something which could become your main hobby during your spare time. Maybe you have been disappointed a bit too much by it, although you seem to like your work and the way it goes. What you fear is not the judgement of others upon your work, but your own judgement. I think that it is exactly this: you enjoy making art, but you are waiting too much from the result at the end.

Learning to appreciate the result of your own work is actually VERY hard. You usually need other people to take a look at it, as they will usually tell you it's good/great, and even if it's not that good, tell you what's wrong or give you advices or thoughts you haven't thought of. Even if your work is not that great for yourself and you think you did everything wrong, you must forgive yourself what you've done and tell yourself that just because you've tried, it's not the end of the world. As one of my math teachers told me one day, "work is never lost. It is just not as efficient as you would like it to be".

I hope I was able to help. Do you want to know something? You actually helped me a bit today, and my day is a bit better thanks to you.

Here is my personal "doldrum" : I am about to finish my studies and graduate in the next two months. My last internship is happening far away from my home, in the US. I happen to feel very lonely sometimes, even I have some friends here. I'm missing my country and all what it implies (family, girlfriend, friends, food, language, habits and stuff...).

But I am actually very scared of finishing studies. After that, I will be completely on my own: No more money from my parents, of help for plans, and all the adult life includes: rent, bills, taxes, managing your schedule, job and its contraints, etc...but what scares me the most is that I haven't been able to find something I'm thriving for during the beginning of my life, which is starting to become important. I am scared to never be able to find something that pushes me through hard times, something I can invest the money I earn into, something which could make me say "f*** of" to everything else and only spending time into during, well, my spare time. I am scared because I haven't been able to find my passion yet. The main questions are : is it okay not to have a passion? Is it not too late already? Haven't I tried hard enough? Too many questions I can't answer. It bothers me so much that I have been feeling very demotivated at work lately because of it.

The only answer I have found is that I have maybe already found some stuff to do, but I can't enjoy it and therefore make it a real thing yet because I am scared of the impact it could have on the people I love the most. It feels so hard for me to force others to accept what I think that I unintentionnally restrain myself for eveything I'm doing. And I don't know how to let myself go 'all-in' and don't care about what others think anyway. Even if the most important person for me should be me, it is not working yet. S***, I hate this feeling...

[Earth Gwee]

We've started packing up our book collection today because we need to move out of our apartment in a month. I'm feeling very anxious not necessarily because of the move, but because we don't have a place picked out yet, and our unit has already been rented out to the next tenant. Normally, I'd be fine with moving out of our current place since it's overall pretty sucky anyway, at least by some standards (the appliances are out of date and we've had multiple problems with them and the maintenance guys seem to half-ass their repair jobs and management here has changed so there's less staff organization), but because I don't know where we're going I'm not ready to start packing yet. I feel even less inclined to do any packing because every time we do, my allergy to dust doesn't do me any sort of favors. This whole thing is making me feel down today.

[saerleiya]

Ah, dust when you are packing everything. So annoying. I faced that sereval times in the last two years as I moved in and out of several locations with a certain quantity of my stuff. You can do it !

[Shrooblord]

Saer, it's never too late to find what inspires you most in life. You'll just have to come across it at some point and I'm afraid there's nothing I can really say to help you find it, because it's one of those things that you will have to find on your own. But being on your own isn't a bad thing! Think of all the freedom you'll have, the ability to do whatever you like, whenever you like. Yes, there are responsibilities you must meet, but they make your life more interesting. How, indeed, will you juggle your money and accommodation situations around? It's a journey, for some people more tough than for others, that we all go through eventually, but we all find our path some way or another. Don't be afraid to take one and find out if it's the path you want to follow or not. Don't shut any doors you may want to pass through later even though they do not interest you right now.
But most of all: don't fuss about it too much! You'll get there - you've gotten to where you are now, have you not? And I'm pretty sure that if things get really dire, you'll still have your parents and your friends to fall back on. They'll support you, but don't expect them to feed your every fancy. It's a bad thing if they would. Keep on truckin', mate.

Gwee, why have you been evicted/moved out before you had another place to go? Doesn't that put you in a more difficult position than you could have been in? I hope it all works out for you eventually; there are usually places you can stay temporarily while you find your new home, are there not?

[Earth Gwee]

@Shroob: We haven't been evicted, but we're nearing the end of our lease. Mom doesn't have a new place picked out yet, even though she has been looking everywhere for one. She seems really optimistic about it and I do trust her judgement, but my fear of the unknown as far as secure housing goes still doesn't help things. Her mom, that is my grandma, has offered her old place for us to rent for much cheaper than the market normally offers, but most of the plumbing there is out of commission and she doesn't want to pay for it. Mom keeps saying to be happy about it like it's "an adventure," but given all these factors, it's extremely hard for me to see the bright side of this. So, I don't know if there is even a temporary place for us if we can't find a more permanent home in time. The housing market here is in complete shambles and it's absolutely disgraceful. I know Mom will do everything in her power to make it work, but I'm still scared.

[Shrooblord]

Oh, but that sounds like you have an alternative should you find nothing. Indeed, no plumbing is awkward at first, but it's not something you cannot learn to live with (though having no proper toilet is... daunting, so to speak) until you have a more long-term solution. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find a nice new home!

[beebo44]

Thanks saer for the advice. I appreciate you typing that up.

[MLII]

question

why is it that every time i'm out with my cousin and my aunt isn't obviously in sight i get shit from older people about being a slag and a teenage mom or whatever have you

and my brother,,, doesn't?

idk it's starting to get to me like is there no possibility i could at least be her sister?? at all??

[Shrooblord]

Wuh-ow. That's a bit strange. Mind you, I've noticed that being around certain people changes other people's perception of you yourself. I sometimes get mistaken for a girl because of my long hair, but I noticed that when I was with a particular friend of mine, the frequency of that mistaken perception of me increased by about 400%... I guess it's just something you'll have to deal with? Not sure how to fix that, sorry.

[Xenon]

Hehe, MLII doesn't look very old at all in my opinion, so perhaps people are giving her strange looks for different reasons

[DandyGuy]

I always get strange looks whenever i go out. (Probably because of my hair)
Anyways today I found out my fate and it was has bad has I thought, it seems no matter how much evidence you show a person there going to believe it regardless.

[OCG]

But nobody knows their fate.

[Shrooblord]

'Their' fate?

[OCG]

Their own fate. Thats what I was referring. Nobody can know what will happen to them.

[Shrooblord]

Ah, nay, that's quite true. Or at least, that's what we think right now.

[Adsolution]

Well this one is interesting:

Marijuana is something I'd always wanted to try just out of plain curiosity, to see what the experience is like and to see if it could indeed aid creativity. So, I tried weed for the first time around two weeks ago with my friend's family, we passed around this small bong. I only took three small hits, apparently not nearly enough to set me off at all, so I was normal the entire night while they were completely baked - it was hilarious being the only sane person. My friend was trying to take his brother's McDonald's order, and it took him over twenty minutes to get the right order down in his phone.

Two nights ago I gave it another go because last time it didn't quite work on me, this time they had this massive multi-chamber bong. I decided to stop after only my second hit because I didn't want it to affect me too much, just a bit. Nothing was happening, then after about fifteen minutes, just as my friend asked me if I felt anything yet, I realised that I had no idea what he was saying, and I had to spend about ten seconds putting together what he just said. I responded with something along the lines of "it literally just now, as you were saying that", but I couldn't even think how to properly phrase a sentence, and forgot what I was responding to. I'll give two connected analogies as to how this felt:

- If you're having a conversation, you know how what comes out of your mouth is a much more heavily-considered version of what goes on in your head? Here, these thoughts become your words. You're saying them as you're thinking them. It isn't anything really offensive though, a side-effect of the drug is that it does make you feel very positive towards others.

- Has anyone ever woken you up suddenly by talking to/yelling at you, and maybe you've responded with something totally nonsensical, essentially the first thing that comes to your mind, and only after about five or ten seconds are you fully conscious? It felt like I was constantly in that just-woken-up phase. Not even at second five or six, but in the first half second of being woken up.

I felt like my voice was coming from someone else, that my hands were someone else's, that whatever I stared at would be entirely focused-in on and everything around it went black, and that while I was in control of myself, I was moreorless only a spectator, watching some other, much more talkative being control me. I remember the decision being made to finally go back up to their flat (he lives in a 37th-floor penthouse, we were on the third-floor garden plateau), but I only remember eventually being back up there and lying down in front of a movie, then sleeping. When I woke up, I was wondering whether I was still off or not, and sure enough I wasn't, and I was actually very pleased that I wasn't.


Everyone there enjoys it, everyone I know who's tried it has enjoyed it. I didn't really. I mean, it was interesting, but I found it downright irritating not being able to formulate almost a single thought. I think I was completely stoned, and while I was laughing and going along, I was always hoping it would wear off. The fact that I couldn't remember most things farther back than five seconds, that I felt like I was someone else, it just wasn't that fun. I thoroughly enjoyed their company and the conversations had as well as the bonding, but it, eh. I wanted to be able to enjoy it more so that I could be apart of their thing, which I really like, they're an incredibly fun and special family, but since there's a good chance I won't try it again (though really, I'll probably try it one more time), I feel like I'll be a little left out, and when they decide to get high, I'll just sort of have to exit.

On the "what good did I get out of it" note, I suppose I found out that I'm very funny and talkative in the right mindset. When someone isn't self-conscious, they can do pretty much anything. Maybe I could try and naturally bring that out more often.

Additionally, while I didn't necessarily enjoy the experience to a staggering degree, I can now say with certainty that anyone who thinks marijuana should be illegal is being a fucking stupid idiot. It's completely harmless, in fact, you're probably more harmless high than you are normally. Any negative thoughts you have towards others wash away entirely, the only negative thoughts you're left with are your own, as paranoia is a mild side-effect, but that's still pretty much nothing. Health-wise, it has no effect on you compared to tobacco - how on Earth that shit is still legal I have no idea. Our law enforcers are delusional- no, it isn't that they're delusional, it's that they're aware it gives them a certain amount of control, and that it stands for something completely different. But with that in mind, yes, they are still very delusional.

[saerleiya]

Thanks saer for the advice. I appreciate you typing that up.

You are welcome. Things are not always as we thought they would be, right?

Adsolution talking about an experience with some plantie lovers

Well, I enjoyed your comment. First time I tried it was in the back of a car two years ago. I didn't take too much of it, so I couldn't "take off", and the other times it was pretty much the same.

Here, these thoughts become your words. You're saying them as you're thinking them. It isn't anything really offensive though, a side-effect of the drug is that it does make you feel very positive towards others.

Pretty much the same for alcohol: at some point, you just don't give a damn anymore (and you know other people around don't too), and you lose any type of inhibition you could have (even unintentionnally) when you were sober/okay. Talking to others becomes easier and easier, it can even creates a virtuous circle if you are not too high/drunk so you can understand that you are actually talking a lot more than usual. However, high doses can reduce that aspect, kinda, if you take too much of it.

- Has anyone ever woken you up suddenly by talking to/yelling at you, and maybe you've responded with something totally nonsensical, essentially the first thing that comes to your mind, and only after about five or ten seconds are you fully conscious? It felt like I was constantly in that just-woken-up phase. Not even at second five or six, but in the first half second of being woken up.

This, happens to me a lot, but everyday XD. I'm just out of a conversation/course because I am too passive, then somebody talks to me and I'm back in business, but as I wasn't there for a little while I missed stuff which I am asked for and I seem completely out.

I can now say with certainty that anyone who thinks marijuana should be illegal is being a fucking stupid idiot.

It's illegal for a specific reason: people who are getting used to it (or kinda addicted, although in the "light sense") develop bad habits, they are less efficient, and sometimes, it's not even calming them down. Paranoia can become more of a side-effect, and even if it doesn't create as much violence as alcohol, consuming too much of it is a bad habit. I'm not saying the fact it is illegal is right, but you can see it as a way to dissuade people from consuming too much of it. Alcohol is legal, do you see what happens? People drunk everywhere, murders, suicides, accidents and shit. Think about marijuana being legal: alcohol would be challenged in terms of deaths due to car accidents. Tobacco is only addictive, and dangerous for your life in the long run. It's not affecting other people's life as much as the two other ones...

[DandyGuy]

WITH MY FRIEND'S FAMILY

What hood you roll up out of?