Shrooblord wrote:+ Went to a Pokémon-themed party at my student association and I dressed up as Lucario (there will be pics).
WE WANT 'EM PICS, SCHRUBRIO .
+ Nice dinner tonight with some people at my friends' house.
+ Tomorrow, barbecue with schoolmates who went over to Canada to study.
- I wasn't able to take a place for Comic Con today, as the tickets were already sold out yesterday when I tried to buy one on the official website. Aw, I wanted to see Stephen Amell (Fun Fact: my girlfriend knew Patrick Stewart more than Amell).
+ Just went to gogbot with my sis
+ I already did my homework this morning, so I've got the rest of the day to do whatever I feel like doing
+ Cooking is fun
++ Writing about a little girl visiting a market with his father, and having trouble handling some kind of spice after she swallowed it directly. Father is giving her some water so she can recover, but she still has some hiccups left of the incident. I'm trying to make it look like she's very curious and impatient for a 6-year old kid, which isn't easy because she can't talk in a too much sustained way and her sentences have to be short and direct too. Loving it so far though :3.
+ My effort to lose weight is still going pretty well
- I got to visit pretty great clothing store and buy some clothes, but I kinda got sucked into my mother's and brother's talk about who they disliked what I liked, and ended up buying just a sweater. Really shouldn't have listened to them.
- So I thought I was out of my school's counseling program, but I'm apparently back in it now. I tried to fake like I've been really improving in the hopes that they'd think I'm doing fine now and let me go, but nope, gotta visit again. I don't feel comfortable at all with these counselors, this one came across like she had to google social anxiety before I came in because she obviously didn't understand it at all nor seemed acknowledge any of the things I said to her.
- Today was just another one of those aimless, shitty days. I just want to make a friend for christ's sake.
- Shitty "Anaconda" song stuck in my head
- Schools fine, I'm just tired of all the clique crap and fitting it; trying to be my own person.
+ I have some sort of pigtail fad; I'm always wearing them to school everyday
--- Searching for a job in your country is not that hard if you have a good network, but in another one it's really a pain in the ass. I'm trying to find a VIE in Germany and although my German level is low, my English level is good. However, every fucking job offer for a VIE asks for a top-notch level of German. Shit...I'm REALLY annoyed by this.
Shrooblord wrote:- Thinking back to the events from last week.
It reminds me of when my little brother had an epilepsia crisis one year ago during the summer. It was scary as hell
-- The feelings
--- I actually thought about him dying yesterday while on my way back to the US. It was even scarier. He's a great person, avoiding every mistake my other brother and I made when we grew up. I don't want him to disappear, we have had great times in the last few months, even if I was so far away from him .
- The sad thing about my family is that the only person I feel like is more willing to understand me and gives the slightest bit of care about anything I say is my father, and he's the one I tend to see the least. I'm getting so fucking sick of having to put up this endless act just please my mother. I have to talk about things so carefully my brother told me to quiet down in my room because "what if mom hears it". Was it anything bad? Not at all. No, it was a topic that would imply that me, that silly, insecure teenager boy who doesn't understand anything, would actually have a little knowledge on something or a strong opinion about something. Imagine having to face the reality that your son cares about other people and that you spend absolutely no time on it because you're too fucking lazy to give a shit about anything that goes beyond what happens on your Facebook page, and that you laughed at his face when he told you stop judging people so quickly. I hate this.
- And my brother is no better. I should have known it was only a matter of time before it became too hard for him to keep up a decent relationship with me and be a dick again. He's been at home for over a year, without a job, living a life of sleeping in and doing whatever he feels like. Then when I tell him he needs to go do a chore that takes maybe 5 minutes at most on his own because I have a lot of homework he snaps, and the bullshit like "you stay up at 3 AM gaming all night" gets yelled across the room. Of course, my mother being herself, always sides with him, and the fact that he's being lazy as shit gets ignored and instead we have to have a talk where I know no matter what I say I'm not going to win this. I have stayed up late, but it's never been 3 AM, and I'm much more likely to be spending that time not wanting to sleep because I don't want to face school again than playing video games. I'm also trying to make an effort to start my free time earlier so I still have as much of it as normal and can instead go to bed earlier.
- And this is exactly the kind of stuff that keeps me from coming out to them. I want to come out, especially in the hopes of them not being so rude when I take homophobia seriously (Another topic that's on the list of things my mother thinks I don't understand and should stop mentioning) but I know that's not what's gonna happen. I made a good choice not coming out when I almost did a few months back, it would have just been a disaster. I don't even feel comfortable talking about myself to them anymore, they're giving me the same feeling I get when I talk to strangers. Congratulations, you made one of your fellow family members feel so uncomfortable with liking themselves that they'd rather just act fake towards you. Make sure to tell him you think all the clothes he likes make him look ugly, or that the things he enjoys aren't for his age, or maybe criticise his music some more, it's all good and jolly.
+ But on a brighter side of things, at least I'm having a little more self love. Like I've mentioned, I am finally making more serious efforts to lose weight, and I'm also trying to do other things like improving my sleeping schedule a bit, keeping up with my homework, and trying to fit in as much feel-good things into my day so I don't fall into my self-hate pit again. I also want to take up drawing, do some serious writing, and learn more about making ambient music. I don't have anyone who takes me very seriously, so I might as well make sure I at least don't stop taking myself serious too.
I'm sad to hear that, Keane. It seems the people around you aren't giving you the proper space you need to develop. But it's good you haven't lost sight of what's most important in those kinds of situations: you can always, always rely on yourself. If you can't, who's left to trust...? Better learn to live with yourself 'cause you're gonna be stuck with that guy for the rest of your life! ;P
And I may have said this before, but I'd suggest you to get out as much as possible. Try to find a place where you feel at home, accepted. It feels like you need that right now. But you should always feel at home in your own mind! That's one thing nobody will ever be able to take from you.
Shrooblord wrote:I'm sad to hear that, Keane. It seems the people around you aren't giving you the proper space you need to develop. But it's good you haven't lost sight of what's most important in those kinds of situations: you can always, always rely on yourself. If you can't, who's left to trust...? Better learn to live with yourself 'cause you're gonna be stuck with that guy for the rest of your life! ;P
And I may have said this before, but I'd suggest you to get out as much as possible. Try to find a place where you feel at home, accepted. It feels like you need that right now. But you should always feel at home in your own mind! That's one thing nobody will ever be able to take from you.
Shrooblord got it all, pretty much. Even if you are caring about people around you a lot, the most important person for you is and will always be yourself. I know it's hard not to care about other people, especially your family, but don't forget that as long as listening to them and bearing them is hurting more than simply following what you think is right (and could apparently hurt them), you are not helping yourself.
The best way to solve this issue or at least be able to handle it until you are done with the family life (which you have trouble with for obvious reasons according to what you said in multiple occasions) is to surround yourself with people who really care about you. Are you already allowed to go outside and do stuff (like, I don't know, go to a place and meet up with some friends or eat with them until 10 PM or something)?
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(Fun Fact: my girlfriend knew Patrick Stewart more than Amell).
Wow, haven't seen that in a long time 
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