Something Bothering you?/Daily Doldrums

[Keane]

I can't fucking do this shit anymore. If I hear another "can you still smile?" or "you should talk more" I'm gonna fucking flip. The anxiety is just fucking rising and all I want is just 30 minutes alone to cry it out and get pick shit up again and people just won't fucking leave me alone. I know they're not doing it on purpose but for christs sake are they fucking ignorant towards this whole thing. I screamed and cried in their face about how hard it is for me to keep forcing myself to get up and go to school and do all my work every day with no friends, no support, no nothing. I don't get any rewards for my improvements. Losing weight doesn't mean more self confidence, it doesn't mean I did it because I worked so hard. I did it because it was one of the tons of things that makes me feel like fucking hell every day. I did it because it made me feel afraid and self hating, and now that it's less I still feel that way. I can't pretend for another fucking second that I'm okay, that I'm just doing my work in my room. I can't go into the living room and eat dinner like nothing is wrong. I just sit there silently, blankly staring at nothing, trying to block out how obvious it is that i'm being judged and criticised in everyone's head. I feel sick and unhealthy, and these people just won't ever fucking notice it because mental health isn't taken seriously. Unless there's something they can see, there's nothing wrong. I'm probably just a little nervous, it's probably my fault, i'm probably being too picky when it comes to making friends, i'm just shy. Now when is that son of ours going to bring home a girlfriend already?

I'm too scared to talk to people I like because they might prejudice me and then I'll have lost any chance of growing closer to them. I'm too scared to voice my opinion. I'm too scared to show any kind of personality or sign that I'm a fucking person because everything I do just fuels the anxiety. I try to go to bed earlier to feel better rested, but when I do I feel like I'm speeding up the moment when I'll have to wake up again and can't do it anymore. I can't even help someone because I'm terrified my advice might not work or maybe I'll say it too rudely. I get new clothes to feel more confident about my appearance but anxiety just has me believe that my short height makes it look strange. I can't walk past cars because I can't see through the windows and there might be someone looking at me. I dread my guitar lessons the entire day even if I like the teacher, because all his other students are more comfortable and talkative. I only look out the window or at my feet while I'm on the bus because I'm scared I might make eye contact. I hate my fitness class because there's a wall filling mirror and I can't look away from myself. I hate my chemistry class because I'm forced to talk there. Only when I'm alone and it's night, when no one is going to interrupt or surprise me, when I know I'm fully secured from anything bad, that's when I feel good.

And when I make it through a day of all of that shit, and I sit here aimlessly venting because I can't focus on my work, I get interrupted by my mother to tell me that I act too rude and silent around them. That's my reward for living like this: Being told it's not fucking enough by people who still go "whats an anxiety!?" after I literally begged them to let me stay home because I couldn't take it anymore. But thanks. Thanks for still forcing me to go that day, for forcing me to try my best to act like I didn't cry three minutes before walking into my classroom, for signing me up to the most shitty counselor I've ever met, and then just figuring that I'm okay now and forgetting it ever happened. For turning this all into a situations where I lied about what that counseling group actually is because I don't feel comfortable enough around my own family to express my opinions, personality, or struggles. I'm just an empty person pretending to be someone in front of them.

And if it happens again tonight, nothing will get better. I can scream and cry and lose control and it won't open any eyes. I'll still be hating every inch of myself when tomorrow morning I'm forced to face that mirror wall again. I'll be nervously trying to act as relaxed as possible while I talk in chemistry. I'll look down to hide my face in the bus again. What will the advice be this time? I should smile more? I should go sit with someone at lunch? I should spend more time with them? Yeah, that'll be the advice, because until I jump off a fucking bridge will it not be clear to them that it's a little more than not smiling.

[Adsolution]

And if it happens again tonight, nothing will get better.

Yes it will. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week, maybe not even next year. But there will be a time when it will, and when you look at how long you have to live, the amount of time that will take is miniscule in comparison. You'll grow up, and the people you run into daily will as well, at least most of them, the ones who are worth looking at as people as well, each with their own problems. Look at all the ignorant morons who make you feel terrible, then look at the people - maybe even some of the aforementioned - who look at you the same way they look at other people, whether it's kindly, or harshly.

You know what though? Fuck people. The ignorant morons, I mean, there's an endless supply of them. You know that their opinions are utterly worthless, whether that's due to them being cruel or just misinformed, they have nothing to offer you.

As for being able to pull through day after day until the time comes when you're finally able to make your own decisions and take your life the direction you want to, to break free of an abusive family and social environment, I honestly don't have an answer. However, what I can say is that if you're able to find a way, for all the people who don't understand you, there will be those who will admire you and see you as a hero for pulling through. I know I admire you already.

[saerleiya]

Oh Keane, that's a very bothering situation I'm seeing there. Although I'm not subject to social anxiety like you, let me give you a few advices:

about how hard it is for me to keep forcing myself to get up and go to school and do all my work every day with no friends, no support, no nothing.

That's an issue: you are at school to learn, and I mean, not simply learning academic subjects, but also social aspects of the society you will live in in the future. Okay, most people are not very smart, especially at middle/high school, but it doesn't mean you won't have to deal with them later on in your life. Anyway, you need a few friends, even if they aren't completely as you would like them to be. Not real friends, but friendly people around you, on who you can rely on for some specific situations.
I have a question, by the way: can't you create relationships with others because of a previous 'reputation' people are giving to you, or because you are so shy it's completely impossible to talk with them?

I don't get any rewards for my improvements.

Rewards from the others are not the only thing you seek. You need to find your own personal rewards in your actions.

I'm too scared to talk to people I like because they might prejudice me and then I'll have lost any chance of growing closer to them.

Another advice: most people will have an idea about you right after the first 'contact' with you: the way you are dressed, the way you behave physically (body language, mainly), the way you are (are you friendly? smart? do you share opinions with them?). The first meeting is very important, even more at school; it can change the vision people have about you, and with the pressure of this vision at school, also change the vision you have about yourself. The vicious/virtuous circle opposition.
An example from my experience: I tried to be a class representative (dunno if it's how you say that) every single year between the beginning of middle school and the end of prep schools. Each time, I lost, sometimes to guys who weren't really smart (really), but who had very good relations with everybody. The very last year, I decided to experiment and use my repeater status to try and see if first contact is as important as it seems. I tried to talk with people, starting with very common topics (the weather, books which were the best for practising, how the second year was, etc...). You know what? One month after, I succeeded.

I'm too scared to voice my opinion. I'm too scared to show any kind of personality or sign that I'm a fucking person because everything I do just fuels the anxiety.

I know you have social anxiety, and that it is hard for you to meet new people and start talking with them. But this is how you create relations and make friends. Find the right occasion to include yourself into a group, by, say, catching up with the current debate and saying something very relevant. If you can't find it, don't try to stay here, it's not a bad thing. Life is full of tries, and failures. You also need to forgive yourself if you are not able to succeed, because you won't succeed at the beginning. But if you are already in the wrong mood, people won't have to ask you about that to know: they will feel it. But if you are trying to be friendly, they will also feel it. You cannot live permanently scared of what people would think about you. People you can't relate to are not people you should hang around with. Try to find people who are good for you. I know it's hard, but you have got to try once more.
And yeah, 'classic' topics while chatting are fucking boring, but there is a reason why they are icebreakers: everybody can talk about them.

I can't even help someone because I'm terrified my advice might not work or maybe I'll say it too rudely.

You are too harsh to yourself, but it is completely normal: everyone is always harsher to oneself than the others. If people are able to forgive you for your 'rude' talk, then they are nice to hang around with. The others, get away from them.

I dread my guitar lessons the entire day even if I like the teacher, because all his other students are more comfortable and talkative.

Same thing as the previous ones: what matters is what you are doing. Did you tell him you are a bit shy and have some trouble talking with people, but you are willing to improve and focus on learning how to play? Telling him how you usually feel is good because he will know exactly what your biggest issue is about learning with him. it's not about putting yourself down, it's about helping him to understand how you work, therefore how he can adapt his way of teaching to you. If he can't, well, you'd better change him, because otherwise, at some point, you will have trouble learning anyway.

And when I make it through a day of all of that shit, and I sit here aimlessly venting because I can't focus on my work, I get interrupted by my mother to tell me that I act too rude and silent around them. That's my reward for living like this: Being told it's not fucking enough by people who still go "whats an anxiety!?" after I literally begged them to let me stay home because I couldn't take it anymore. But thanks. Thanks for still forcing me to go that day, for forcing me to try my best to act like I didn't cry three minutes before walking into my classroom, for signing me up to the most shitty counselor I've ever met, and then just figuring that I'm okay now and forgetting it ever happened. For turning this all into a situations where I lied about what that counseling group actually is because I don't feel comfortable enough around my own family to express my opinions, personality, or struggles. I'm just an empty person pretending to be someone in front of them.

Your family is important: they are the people you have been spending the mos time with, so they are the ones who 'usually' know you the most and can forgive you the most. Tell them it's important for you that they listen to you without judging you too harshly, that you need that so you can move on and keep on improving yourself. That even if what you are is only your choice, everyday you are taking their advice into consideration. It doesn't mean their advice is always the best for you, but making your own choices based upon your experience and other's doesn't mean you are ignoring theirs'. This is what an adult should say. If your mother tells you that she is always telling you the best thing to do, tell her it is not the way an adult should think. You need to start trusting yourself about the decisions you are taking as an adult. Sure, your parents know you better than anyone, sure they have way more experience than you, but even as a teenager there are domains where you have more experience than them and better know how to deal with them.

I'll still be hating every inch of myself when tomorrow morning I'm forced to face that mirror wall again.

It is always and will be always the same thing: love yourself.

You will never be perfect, you will never be as people want you to be, you will always have something you will have to change. It doesn't mean you can't love what you are. Love your body, love your mind.

When I was a teenager, I was like you: I was shy, had social issues, had trouble making friends. I had only a few friends, and they were exceptions too. I had a childish reputation coming from middle school, and it followed me right into high school. People I tried to make friends with disagreed because either they were influenced by their peers who didn't like me, or they had heard things deformed and exagerated about who I was before. I tried to change that, but it wasn't possible anymore. Teens are harsh and don't change their minds. I Was also tall but skinny, so it wasn't hard to push me away or to the ground. I had no way of retaliation. And the only time I retaliated by complaining to the office of my school, two kids bullied me on my way home.
It was very hard at first, but every year, even unconsciously, I tried to go a little step further in the way of turning myself into a more socialised person. I learnt how to interact with people, how to find icebreaker topics or sentences adapted to the current subject, how to look better but still with my own style. Sure, going to a place where nobody knew me helped a lot.
I learnt how to love myself. It took a long time for me to do so, but it helped me so much. Now I have a Master degree in Engineering, have several good friends who like me for what I am, and I even have a girlfriend, something I wasn't able to think about when I was at high school. And more importantly, if people don't like me for what I am, or blame me because I'm not doing what they want, I can be nice to them while being with them, or tell them 'I'm afraid I don't have time for this of that', but in my mind it's just 'fuck off, I'll do my own thing, because this is what I am, I like it, and you ain't gonna change anything about that'.


I hope it helped a bit. I also hope we are not your only way of dealing with this issue: you need to talk to some people about it. It helps tremendously to have someone to talk to in real life.

[OCG]

Fuck the law in country I reside. Two kids aged 11 and 10, attacked one very famous old writer and TV show creator aged 81 host who dedicated his whole life for children. When I read the text and what he said it made me cry and it totally ruined my day. The law there appears to protect anyone under age of 14. They could in theory take heavy weapon and start massacre on street and nothing would happen to them. These devils killed some other old person few months ago, and are stealing and attacking others non stop. Over 300 complaints to police were made but police cannot do anything about it. It is sickening how things function. They should be locked somewhere despite of age. HOW MANY PEOPLE DO THEY NEED TO MURDER IN ORDER FOR LAW TO BE CHANGED?
And it seems they only attack old people who cannot defend themselves. Damn bastards, I hope they somehow end up in lifelong prison one day.

[technology4617]

I highly doubt that your country has no laws against murder for minors. They're probably just less strict. It's still a shame what happened, though.

[OCG]

I asked my father who is attorney and is specialized for it and the law states that anyone under age of 14 shall not be responsible for any violation. The law also states that in case of criminal actions done by person under 14 parents go to jail but their father already is in jail for other crimes he did himself so unless someone fixes the law, there is nothing more that can be done for that case.
The main title of text in newspapers was: "Nobody can do anything to them: Underaged brothers attacked and bullied *insert name of writer here*"

Example of bad law can be found also because people can go to jail for single serious murder only 7 years and that is common. Maximum punishment is 40 years. No death sentence or life prison.

[saerleiya]

This is a very specific case of the law. If there is nothing about children commiting crimes in the law of your country, the only thing they can have is being placed into, hum, 'correction houses'? Even if it will affect them, of course, because according to what you told us, they are already in a very unusual situation.

The newspaper you talked about highlighted the topic because there a very obvious issue with the law here, in order to sensibilize people and the government, so it can quickly take action to change the law so the police (and other institutions) are allowed to take care of the case according to the law.

So, yes, they can't do shit right now because there is an issue in the law, but that doesn't mean it will be settled in only a few days. It's unfortunate, and I feel sorry for the bullied people, but there is nothing else we can do outside of waiting for a change of the law considering crimes committed by minors. This already happened for a lot of other case before, and it won't be the last one.

[Dark Lum Lord]

I can't fucking do this shit anymore. If I hear another "can you still smile?" or "you should talk more" I'm gonna fucking flip. The anxiety is just fucking rising and all I want is just 30 minutes alone to cry it out and get pick shit up again and people just won't fucking leave me alone. I know they're not doing it on purpose but for christs sake are they fucking ignorant towards this whole thing. I screamed and cried in their face about how hard it is for me to keep forcing myself to get up and go to school and do all my work every day with no friends, no support, no nothing. I don't get any rewards for my improvements. Losing weight doesn't mean more self confidence, it doesn't mean I did it because I worked so hard. I did it because it was one of the tons of things that makes me feel like fucking hell every day. I did it because it made me feel afraid and self hating, and now that it's less I still feel that way. I can't pretend for another fucking second that I'm okay, that I'm just doing my work in my room. I can't go into the living room and eat dinner like nothing is wrong. I just sit there silently, blankly staring at nothing, trying to block out how obvious it is that i'm being judged and criticised in everyone's head. I feel sick and unhealthy, and these people just won't ever fucking notice it because mental health isn't taken seriously. Unless there's something they can see, there's nothing wrong. I'm probably just a little nervous, it's probably my fault, i'm probably being too picky when it comes to making friends, i'm just shy. Now when is that son of ours going to bring home a girlfriend already?

I'm too scared to talk to people I like because they might prejudice me and then I'll have lost any chance of growing closer to them. I'm too scared to voice my opinion. I'm too scared to show any kind of personality or sign that I'm a fucking person because everything I do just fuels the anxiety. I try to go to bed earlier to feel better rested, but when I do I feel like I'm speeding up the moment when I'll have to wake up again and can't do it anymore. I can't even help someone because I'm terrified my advice might not work or maybe I'll say it too rudely. I get new clothes to feel more confident about my appearance but anxiety just has me believe that my short height makes it look strange. I can't walk past cars because I can't see through the windows and there might be someone looking at me. I dread my guitar lessons the entire day even if I like the teacher, because all his other students are more comfortable and talkative. I only look out the window or at my feet while I'm on the bus because I'm scared I might make eye contact. I hate my fitness class because there's a wall filling mirror and I can't look away from myself. I hate my chemistry class because I'm forced to talk there. Only when I'm alone and it's night, when no one is going to interrupt or surprise me, when I know I'm fully secured from anything bad, that's when I feel good.

And when I make it through a day of all of that shit, and I sit here aimlessly venting because I can't focus on my work, I get interrupted by my mother to tell me that I act too rude and silent around them. That's my reward for living like this: Being told it's not fucking enough by people who still go "whats an anxiety!?" after I literally begged them to let me stay home because I couldn't take it anymore. But thanks. Thanks for still forcing me to go that day, for forcing me to try my best to act like I didn't cry three minutes before walking into my classroom, for signing me up to the most shitty counselor I've ever met, and then just figuring that I'm okay now and forgetting it ever happened. For turning this all into a situations where I lied about what that counseling group actually is because I don't feel comfortable enough around my own family to express my opinions, personality, or struggles. I'm just an empty person pretending to be someone in front of them.

And if it happens again tonight, nothing will get better. I can scream and cry and lose control and it won't open any eyes. I'll still be hating every inch of myself when tomorrow morning I'm forced to face that mirror wall again. I'll be nervously trying to act as relaxed as possible while I talk in chemistry. I'll look down to hide my face in the bus again. What will the advice be this time? I should smile more? I should go sit with someone at lunch? I should spend more time with them? Yeah, that'll be the advice, because until I jump off a fucking bridge will it not be clear to them that it's a little more than not smiling.

I honestly can't express how much this resonates with me, just like how I'm sadly unable to really provide help right now, because I'm going through the same and can't help myself let alone you. Plus, I'm swimming through some heavy feels... But if you ever need support I'm here -- if you need to vent, or forget, etc. Sorry, I know I'm shitty.
Honestly, I feel like that's a huge problem with me -- expressing myself, connecting.

[Hoozang]

Fuck the law in country I reside. Two kids aged 11 and 10, attacked one very famous old writer and TV show creator aged 81 host who dedicated his whole life for children. When I read the text and what he said it made me cry and it totally ruined my day. The law there appears to protect anyone under age of 14. They could in theory take heavy weapon and start massacre on street and nothing would happen to them. These devils killed some other old person few months ago, and are stealing and attacking others non stop. Over 300 complaints to police were made but police cannot do anything about it. It is sickening how things function. They should be locked somewhere despite of age. HOW MANY PEOPLE DO THEY NEED TO MURDER IN ORDER FOR LAW TO BE CHANGED?
And it seems they only attack old people who cannot defend themselves. Damn bastards, I hope they somehow end up in lifelong prison one day.

Why? Why the fuck did that happen? And why the fuck the parents of that children do NOTHING? Why, in fucking lord of shit? I got fucking mindblown when they "only attack old people", What a fucking retarded world. But there are some things that fuck me up.

These devils KILLED some other old person few months ago

What? They...killed? And why the fucking parents didn't react? They should be send to jail for all of their fucking life. OR, be killed. They don't deserve to live in this world.

[OCG]

Nothing is mentioned about mother (probably left them long time ago or dead) and father is already in jail for earlier crimes he did himself like I said.

[Hoozang]

That explains everything. Dead mother, father that made crimes, explains EVERYTHING. The famous ingredients for a brain-less kid.

Anyways, I am going to post here what bothers me.
I am in primary school yet, obviously, right? Well, I have a problem with a boy that fucking annoys me. Honestly, I hate and I like football. I hate it because when I do something wrong while I am playing in my school, this guy yells at me. He yells me idiot, stupid, stuff. What really gets me MAD is that sometimes this guy recognizes me as his "friend". I have a rule, which is: You insult me, you lose me. It's like this guy yells at me, and then we're magically friends. That makes me fucking sick. Everybody hates him, but they act like they are his friend. Well, good thing is that when somebody will tell him (I think this will never happen anyways) that everybody hates him, oh boy he will cry like shit. 4 years of pure fake friendship.

[OCG]

Now that the story became popular, people are talking also about earlier event in September where they killed person and the killing was recorded and put on YouTube

I am not sure if I want to share the video but I hope YT takes it down soon.

[Shrooblord]

They should be (...) killed. They don't deserve to live in this world.

No matter how disgustingly hideous their crimes are (and believe me, these kids make me sick), how would that be fair? Where would it end? They kill, we kill them, someone kills us because we kill them... how would be better than they are if we're just gonna go ahead and kill them. Your other alternative, prison for life, is, to me, a better alternative.

However, since they're still at such a young age, I believe they may still be helped. Put them in a severe correctional facility, give them therapy upon therapy and try to relieve what troubles their mind so to the point of comitting these atrocities. At that age, personality is not yet set in stone - they can still be helped. After correctional measures have been taken care of, they need to be under strict supervision to see if they can adapt in the world with their new mindset. If they cannot, if they continue to deviate, then, yes, life. Otherwise, give them a chance to be 'mended' first (but they should still pay for their crimes one way or another - perhaps the burden of getting to live with knowing what they did is punishment enough; I find it hard to judge).

[OCG]

Another news today, two kids aged 8 strangled puppy. Mother of one boy is educator to make things worse because she should have thought him better. Every day I keep reading worse and worse crimes more often than before, and newest statistic shows that at least one minor gets raped every day...

[Adsolution]

and newest statistic shows that at least one minor gets raped every day...

Only one? If that was all you had thus far mentioned about your country, I'd call it damn near immaculate.

I got fucking mindblown when they "only attack old people", What a fucking retarded world.

And Ted Bundy only killed women. The motivation of a serial killer, more often than not, is driven by something other than blind rage - usually fixation -, so don't be too surprised.

(...)OR, be killed. They don't deserve to live in this world.

Someone needs to watch A Clockwork Orange.

No matter how disgustingly hideous their crimes are (and believe me, these kids make me sick), how would that be fair? Where would it end? They kill, we kill them, someone kills us because we kill them... how would be better than they are if we're just gonna go ahead and kill them. Your other alternative, prison for life, is, to me, a better alternative.

I completely agree. When people tell me that they don't want their tax dollars going toward keeping criminals alive, I tell them two things:

Firstly, you aren't paying to keep them alive, you're paying to keep them off the streets. You don't kill someone who's jiffing one millionth of a cent off of your monthly debt.

Secondly, for you Americans, you clearly must not be aware that your taxes are supporting multi-trillion-dollar national defenses. The amount of money it would take to provide lifelong intensive treatment to every serious convict in America wouldn't even equate to the amount of money the military spends in a month.

[OCG]

Well, that is only for minors. Considering I can sometimes see multiple texts of assult and rape where victims are adult women, those are probably more common, and who knows how much it happens that does not get reported since nobody reports it to police. Either way, I checked several sources online and they classified country as a country with high crime rate, one professional site even called it racist, Anti-American, xenophobic. As a non native, I can say that in some cases it is true but in most cases if nobody provokes them, they most likely won't do harm and Mafia usually never kills innocent people who are not connected with them.

As for my view on death sentence, I think it should only be used if a person commits genocide. Breivik is a good example of person that deserves it, yet the laws in Norway are protecting him and he can even play video games in prison.

People here have been petitioning for death sentence to return since September but it won't happen though. Me and my father think it is probably for the best since we share same views on the topic and genocide is very uncommon there so not many crimes that deserve death penalty happen.

[Adsolution]

Well, does it really make a dfference to you whether he's executed or imprisoned for life? The way I see it, one simply results in another death.

[saerleiya]

Well, does it really make a dfference to you whether he's executed or imprisoned for life? The way I see it, one simply results in another death.

Now that we are executing people without them suffering that much, I wonder if life imprisonement is really better than execution.

[Shrooblord]

The point of life is that you get to live with what you've done. You get to live with the nightmares you've caused yourself. I guess that's bad of me to view it that way - that makes it revenge. And retribution is not an option when dealing with criminals. But there, that's my view.

[Dark Lum Lord]

Making vague references to A Clockwork Orange in art class is my new hobby.
Personally, I find the idea of execution oxymoronic. The potential guilt they might live with might not seem like a good pay-off, since it carries a solution unlike death, but fighting murder with murder is like killing a cat for killing a mouse (Don't take that the wrong way.).
It can cause the situation to boil over, worst-case even erupt like a geyser.