I'm sorry to hear about your gran, Addy. Let's remember her by all the times she made you laugh and smile, okay? (:
Warning - incredibly wordyTM Shrooblord post inbound.
I haven't visited this topic in a few days.
Keane wrote:my mother wanting me to be some sort of overly optimistic, stereotypical teenager.
I know that may not be as much of a consolation as I'd like it to be, but I know more people around my age (teens to early twentiers) who are depressed than those who aren't. You're not alone, you know. There's tons of people around who feel just as shitty as you do. Maybe sharing each other's problems with one of those people may help you more than we can. One of my friends is a very depressed girl and she has a saying: "Broken people fixing broken people" by which she basically means that she's able to connect much better with people who have been through a lot of tough shit and feel down quite a lot than with people who haven't, even though I'm one of those latter types of people and we're good friends regardless.
Keane wrote:RPC is just a place where I know everyone so well and for such a long time that I almost have a sort of family like relationship with this place.
I feel exactly the same. I regard near to everyone, if not everyone, on this forum as part of my huge, online, quirky yet absolutely lovely family.
Keane wrote:It's this endless cycle of feeling uncomfortable during the school hours, then at night I let it all slide down and I feel comfortable for a bit, and then once it ends it hits me that I'm gonna have to go back to how I felt earlier and I suddenly realise just what a fucking weird situation it really is. And it just goes on.
I've recently had an experience just like that. I wanted to write about it here, but then realised I might as well wouldn't. I guess it was because I feared you'd (you, the reader) think lesser of me. I'll offer my experience up to you (you, Keane) now, perhaps as a way to try and connect.
I'd landed in a spiral of emotions with multiple-tiered thoughts going on in the background. I'd experience an emotion, step one level out and see that I was experiencing that emotion, stepping one more level out and wondering how silly that was that I was experiencing and truly feeling it, yet still able to be so rational about it, stepping a fourth and final level out and seeing that I had been experiencing that emotion in a chain of other emotions like it, all following each other in a clearly defined and excellently timed loop. I'd go through fear, confusion, pain, sorrow, extreme joy and unbelievable giggles, relief about being happy again after feeling so rotten and then right back to fear. And while all of this was going on,
another level of thought was added, which was like it was my mind looking down on it all from some sort of control tower, realising what the loop was, realising how long the loop took to run its course and realising that all of it was completely unavoidable and there was nothing I could do to stop it. And yet I was able to step outside of it, stepping into that control tower. This made me scared. It filled me with the incredible paranoia that I felt like a machine - I felt, I
truly believed I was programming running through a stuck loop of timers I couldn't stop myself from, but I was still able to observe as an outsider. It made me want to cry. But I couldn't - since I was stuck in other emotions.
--Interjection to this story:
And know that I adore machines as no other. I love to think that there's more to them than meets the eye, more than we give them credit for. But realising that I myself am a beautifully intricate,
biological machine made me scared for some reason. I guess I realised part of myself that had before been undefined.
Maybe we're never meant to understand ourselves to the fullest extent. Maybe our minds are too small for it (or maybe it's just mine that is).
--End of interjection
I slept that off eventually and thank god I've not experienced anything like it since, but it made me realise something: we are intricate and such incredible, beautifully complex beings. We have so much going on in our brains at one single point in time that I believe our subconcious hides from us so we aren't to go completely mental. It was very busy in my head while I experienced those thought-loops, but after I stopped having them, I was able to appreciate their beauty. It is crowded in your head. All kinds of thoughts and flashes of ideas are trying to make themselves the largest voice that will enter your concious mind. I think, for a brief two hours, I was exposed to not having that blockade that a normal concience puts in you (and with good reason).
What I guess I'm trying to say is this: yes, Keane, you feel miserable. You feel unappreciated. You fear unappreciation. You don't want to talk about it with your family (is it because you fear their unappreciation?) - but if you don't talk to them, you
must find someone you
can talk to. We're here for you, but it will never be the same reading others' words as hearing another's voice. Sometimes there's incredible relief in finding out that someone shares an opinion with you, that you are not the only one thinking something.
In the end, my message to you is: know that you are not alone. And you will never be alone. But you gotta reach out to others sometimes, man. If you reject them out of fear of being rejected, what are you doing to them is precisely what you fear they'd do to you! Don't push people away because you fear your being you will push them away. If something about you is going to feel unappealing to the other, they'll leave you on their own accord. But give them a chance to like you, and you may find yourself with a great friend in your life.
saerleyia wrote:And writing shows very little of what a person is.
I'd like to disagree. Though I'm okay with most of the points you bring up after you say this, a person's writing can still very much show what they are like. After all, these words I say still come from my heart - I mean most of them with the utmost sincerity (disregarding trolling or joking around) and I emphasise most of my sentences so much because I'd like to make clear what emotion drives them. I'm very open in that regard - I like transparent relations between anyone I speak with and I despise when people 'act' around me. If you're gonna think a certain way about me, speak your mind. If you plan to take advantage of me for humour or for whatever other reason, then you're a rotten arsehole and need to go on a camping trip to the dark side of the moon. In your pyjamas. Thank you very much and goodbye.
Jewish Candy wrote:-- I was thinking about a thing that I mustn't think about, but didn't even realise I was thinking about it.
It just felt so normal.
I find myself criticising myself sometimes on the things I think of, thinking something along the lines of "That's really not an okay thing to even want to think of" or "How could you even 'say' that?" - I'd like to think that's my moral compass still ringing loud and true and I welcome those second-level thoughts. The first-level ones, well, I'll see them as the dark side we all harbour within us. But it makes us grand, if we acknowledge it and then show it we will live by different ways, thinking those dark thoughts only in flashes of strange whimsy, something I may even attribute to random change trying to present itself, trying to see if indeed I would like to evolve into that path (after which I tell it "no thank you, I'd like to continue with my current morals instead"). Thinking about it that way, maybe it's micro-level evolution. eh eh now i got my science glands all excited
===
+ Finished half of my Jano rig!
- After coming to the 'mirroring the rig' part of the tutorial and having heard about why you can't mirror it this and that way easily, I suddenly realised I had to recreate most of my work for the other side of the body now, too.
- Rigging sucks.
+ Rigging really doesn't suck. I get excited over each little joint I'm able to animate with ease after I'm done hooking it up.
- It's just so damn confusing from time to time. It makes my brain go ow-ow.
- I wasn't happy reading what people have been going through the last few days. I hope (the) Christmas (holidays) will end up brightening a few of ya up.
+ I feel happy being part of a community where people seem to legitimately care for one another. i love u gais
