Rayman:Robotline

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Hoozang
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Rayman:Robotline

Post by Hoozang »

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Upon a time, there was a world. A magical peaceful world where the greatest hero lived, Rayman. This world,built by the Heart of the World, by the yellow glowing lums.That was..until the day the robots dominated the world. Here's the story, of how Rayman returned to be a hero again. The day of domination was a good day for the Electoons. They were always happy for everything. Rayman was sleeping with his best friend, Globox:a blue fat, stupid but a good friend. Some electoons were playing to hide-and-seek in the jungle. One electoon was running and looking around if he was ready.But he fall because of a rock..but when he get up..he saw a red light on a bush. He captured the electoon fast as a thunderbolt, leaving the electoon no time to escape. The electoon found everyone except him. They looked for him for hours, but they couldn't find him. Rayman,Rayman! was shouting the electoons, rushing to him. He isWe can'tWhere is--"Wait wait wait, one at a time. "We can't find our friend! We were playing hide-and-seek on the jungle, but we couldn't find"--"Why you electoons are playing on the jungle?"
Don't you know it's a dangerous place? Electoon:It's much better to hide... Ray:*facepalm* What a mess....
They went to the jungle to search his lost friend.But the same, they couldn't find him.They were looking everywhere, except a bush. Rayman looked in, and there was a red light, again the robot. He captured Ray, but he cut the bag with his energy balls. Ray said:Run Electoons, Run! Tell everybody to leave the place! Okay,Rayman! Are you going to--RUN! Then Rayman destroyed the robot, leaving the robot saying:We will capture all of your people...Rayman rushed to his home, but it was late. Everybody in bags, meanwhile some robots were grabbing them and throwing them into their spaceship. Rayman hided in a bush, quietly he approached the robots and he destroyed both. He released all of the creatures that were captured.Thinking about what do they wanted..he did not know.
I need to tell Betilla.Rayman rushed, desperate to tell her what happened to his friends, and possibly what's going to happen to the entire world.
Betilla,Betilla! I,i have,to tell..you...something.. Betilla:What is wrong,Rayman? Tell me and calm down. We are going to fix this together. Ray:Okay, okay.Today some robots appeared in the forest.And they captured my friends, but luckily i saved them. Betilla:Oh, no...This is bad... Ray:Don't worry, i saved them.
Betilla:No,no the creatures have been reduced to 26.000 from 80.000! Ray:WHAT? THEY ARE CAPTURING THEM RIGHT NOW?! Betilla:Yes, take this blue lum, it will give you special powers.Meanwhile i try to communicate with Polokus. Good luck,Rayman. Ray:Okay,thanks Betilla! Rayman was running fast as he could, but then...Rayman felt a earthquake..Ray:What is---A earthquake under his
feet unleashed explosions, destruction. The sky was red, with no clouds. Ray had no words. It was breathtaking for him, for everyone. It's too late.
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Rayman said nothing. He had no words for this destruction. “Why, why to this world? Why to the creatures? They did nothing to them..Uh,well…i think it’s time for a new hero…..No,no NO! What i am doing? I AM THE HERO! I..am..Rayman! Of course!” Rayman was ready again to fight the pirates. Jumping,running,destroying..al of that to search a spaceship to free his prisoners. “Uh…where is the spaceship? AHA!” Rayman destroyed the pirates that were grabbing and throwing some prisoners. “Boom,Bang! Come on kiddies! Run to your home!”
“Thanks,Rayman! You are the best hero ever!” Rayman jumped to the spaceship leaving words..”I know.”
Now, Rayman was in the spaceship. He was looking around a prisoners room to free his friends.
But then, he saw a Rocket Room,he entered into the room, searching something useful.
He saw a old, flying machine in the deep. Rayman tried to pass,but he can’t.
“Dang! How can i pass? Well, i will see this later.” Rayman went to the prisoners room, and he had to fight with some pirates. When he destroyed all of the pirates, he went to the cages and then he destroyed the lock. “Thanks,Rayman!” “No problem!” said him. But then a pirate appeared, alerting “The prisoners are free and Rayman is here! Capture him!” Rayman told Globox to go to the rocket room to grab the flying machine. “Okay, Globox! Go to the rocket room and grab the flying machine in the deeps! Take this, a blue lum that will make you invisible.” “I’m not sure Rayman, what if i fail?” “You will make it even better than me, trust on you. Now go! I have to defend this creatures!” Globox rushed to the flying machine, grabbing and throwing everything that is not what he wanted. “Come on bud!” “I’m on that Rayman!” Globox finally had the flying machine, but then he pushed the ACTIVATE button. “Uh,uh..Rayman!” “Come on Glo—“ The machine destroyed the prisoners room, and then Globox catch Rayman’s hand. “Rayman! You’re alive!” Rayman and his friends luckily fall in his home. The spaceship went down, in fire, later it was in a big swamp of water. “I will have revenge,Rayman!” said….Recker, Razorbeard’s brother.
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“Well, we are finally in home, right Globox?” “Yes, i will never forget this adventure. But,Ray…the world..”
Rayman was scared. He thought this was the end for everything. Betilla, coming with Polokus, coming from the sky said “You made it,Rayman!” Yes, said Polokus. “But now, i need you to collect the 20 sacrificed lums of the world.” “And, then..the world will be restored?” “Yes.” “Okay, i have an adventure to do!” Rayman left his home to complete his objective, looking for the happiest worlds to the saddest ones. Every day,every night, without rest. This, was the story, of the greatest hero in the world, Rayman!
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Thanks for reading and a big sorry if you didn't like it. I tried, but well..didn't work. Anyways thanks for reading :)
Last edited by Hoozang on Tue Sep 02, 2014 6:41 pm, edited 9 times in total.
Razorbeard
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Re: Rayman:Robotline

Post by Razorbeard »

I'm going to be honest here.
That needs a lot more work.
First off, it's way too short to be a chapter.
Second, it's written as a script.
Third, there's really no flow to it. Everything just happens for no reason.
Fourth, there are some grammatical errors that should be ironed out.

That said, there's some potential here, and with work it can become something pretty good.
But right now it's just not that. Writing is hard, and if you just try to come up with something quickly it's going to be crap.
Just spend some more time on it, think about how everything's going to go, write up fifty billion different drafts for the same segment (repeat that step a lot of times per chapter) and then just stitch everything together with some filler and see how it goes.
Hoozang
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Re: Rayman:Robotline

Post by Hoozang »

Thanks for the honesty. Also for the tips :D
Also, this is a chapter but is not a end, i was saying if they liked the idea so i can do more.
Updated version now done
Embryonic Hoodbrain
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Re: Rayman:Robotline

Post by Embryonic Hoodbrain »

You should attempt to make it more in line with an actual book, and less like a haphazard script. Proper punctuation, spacing, and more quotation marks. Also, try to make it flow better, and less randomly. I voted to see another chapter, because I enjoyed this one, but I have to admit it was for all the wrong reasons.
Hoozang
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Re: Rayman:Robotline

Post by Hoozang »

Embryonic Hoodbrain wrote:You should attempt to make it more in line with an actual book, and less like a haphazard script. Proper punctuation, spacing, and more quotation marks. Also, try to make it flow better, and less randomly. I voted to see another chapter, because I enjoyed this one, but I have to admit it was for all the wrong reasons.
You mean, all in line? No down spaces?
(like this, down)
Razorbeard
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Re: Rayman:Robotline

Post by Razorbeard »

Sugar wrote:
Embryonic Hoodbrain wrote:You should attempt to make it more in line with an actual book, and less like a haphazard script. Proper punctuation, spacing, and more quotation marks. Also, try to make it flow better, and less randomly. I voted to see another chapter, because I enjoyed this one, but I have to admit it was for all the wrong reasons.
You mean, all in line? No down spaces?
(like this, down)
What the hell is a down space?
What he means, I believe, is make it actually look like something someone compiled after working tirelessly for centuries.
Or, basically, just don't make it look like a script; give it formatting and paragraphs and make it look professional.
Hoozang
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Re: Rayman:Robotline

Post by Hoozang »

It's so sad i can't make another fanfic because of my English.
But,well this will last 3 long episodes.
Embryonic Hoodbrain
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Re: Rayman:Robotline

Post by Embryonic Hoodbrain »

Razorbeard wrote:
Sugar wrote:
Embryonic Hoodbrain wrote:You should attempt to make it more in line with an actual book, and less like a haphazard script. Proper punctuation, spacing, and more quotation marks. Also, try to make it flow better, and less randomly. I voted to see another chapter, because I enjoyed this one, but I have to admit it was for all the wrong reasons.
You mean, all in line? No down spaces?
(like this, down)
What the hell is a down space?
What he means, I believe, is make it actually look like something someone compiled after working tirelessly for centuries.
Or, basically, just don't make it look like a script; give it formatting and paragraphs and make it look professional.
This is basically what I mean. Put a space after punctuation mark.
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