alright while we're doing great big clumps of sad here goes
idk it's just a lot of things have been bothering me lately like as a sort of group? i think the main problem would be my gender identity. at this point i honestly do not know any more.
i guess at a base level i'm female, and my peers consider me so (and continually misgender me because i'm too fucking nervous to tell them my pronouns) (one of them has gone off my completely just because i like girls so) and i guess i feel closer to female than male but then is that because that's how i was raised? is it a product of literally everyone saying i'm a girl? i just don't know whether i feel that in myself or not. sometimes i do but sometimes i don't and i don't know if that's normal or if i'm just pratting around trying to be a genderless being floating through space, if i'm no better than those people on tumblr who identify as glitter and use sparkleself pronouns. X:
speaking of which the way this girl's treating me is fucking me over. she raised a huge fuss bc i liked her selfie on facebook and that's Erm apparently, and she made a huge deal over me being a Well You Know But You Know It's Alright A Lot Of My Friends Are last time i saw her. i want to be her friend i don't want to fucking sleep with her?? the only person making this awkward is her.
also she'll say hi if she sees me and it's just her or her and someone else from our class but when she's with her other friends she'll literally ignore me?? like even if i speak to her? thanks hollie i wasn't aware i was only good enough for you half the time
i'm starting to get a lot of shit at college for basic things (a girl in my creative writing class found my ao3 and straight up told me she was judging me) it's my hobbies and appearance etc. i can barely walk into my creative writing class without somebody pointing out something?? then there's james who's a dick to begin with and likes calling girls sluts and famously said "i'd rather die than fuck a tranny". he also called me a bitch who needs to keep her fucking mouth shut because he was screaming at archie and i told him to calm down.
also i'm not doing well in my classes to begin with- i got a d on my politics mock, a u in my graphics mock and last time i handed in coursework for performance studies i got a c which isn't bad but 2/3 of my teachers dislike me (one of which because i'm A queer and B related to my brother) so i'm kind of worried about bias.
i got an A+ in creative writing but that's beside the point
idk i'm just not feeling good about myself right now and my fandoms are generally the only thing that makes me feel better re distraction but then i'm like "well gee if the highlight of my day is writing animaniacs slash what the fuck am i doing with my life" so that's starting to wear thin
Aww This is the place for long posts, don't apologise. I'm sorry you've got all that going on, you sound like you know some jerks. Even if each individual thing seems small, when combined they can become this, as you say, 'big clump of sad'. It's okay to have questions about your identity, though of course that doesn't necessarily make it any easier! Many virtual hugs are offered if you feel like 'em.
(I will say that nearly everyone gets shitty results in their mocks, you can see it as simply highlighting the areas you need to revise.)
Bloody fucking Hell. I think I've adequately set the tone now.
My roommate's been up all night since 23:30 playing goddamned League. What's so bad about playing LoL in the depths of the night? An sich, nothing. But if you're my roommate, you're gonna be playing with your friend.
On Skype. Talking.
I've asked the fucker three times now. It's three AM and I haven't had any good shut-eye because of it. Now I stormed down and sort of lost my temper. This time I demanded he let me get my sleep. He agreed and then sighed under his breath to his friend, thinking I wouldn't hear. Then it took ten more minutes of talking before he says "GG". The match is over.
But I made a mistake. Instead of asking a full stop, I sugested he went into his room and continued there. He proceeded to make the loudest departure I ever heard, complete with ramming the chair into my drumkit, which is temporarily here after a nearby gig, (thanks), fist-slamming on the table and throwing things I couldn't make out with forceful noise and smashing. Then he ripped the plug of his laptop out of the outlet, went into his room and turned his light on. But he didn't turn the one off that shone directly into my face. Oh, no. That would be kind. That would be considerate. That would be respecting my space.
And that's the last thing you should do, respect Shrooblord's space. And now he's bloody well talking at full volume just to spite me.
Take a big, long hug, bro. Why the fuck would anyone damage your property over a simple request like that?! Christ on a pogostick, he's a pissbaby and I hope you're able to find somewhere better to stay.
This could possibly be one of my longest posts on RPC to date, just speaking in terms of sheer vertical space taken up (and it also took me over three hours to write):
Shrooblord wrote:But I look for someone to share my more intimate side with. I am incredibly emotional, but guys are always telling you to, always expected to by society, by nature, to 'shrug it off' or let it slide 'like water off a duck's back' (one of my dad's expressions). I see girl friends hug each other profusely, walk arm in arm, hand in hand - sharing physical contact of simply a friendly nature -- one I can never experience... because I'm a 'guy'. Only my hypothetical girlfriend would share with me such contact - and believe you me, I'd treasure it, as well as all other contact with her, like nothing in this world (I have done before with my girlfriend I had then).
And although what I describe are mainly physical aspects of the relationship, I wish to be able to express my emotions as well. These things are intertwined - because they are so close in spirit, I imagine, they can be so close in form, without fear of getting in each other's space, because they know each other's space - because they have shared that with one another. I simply cannot 'suck it all up'. I long for someone to share myself with in such a way I have not been able to with anyone in this world, save for maybe my parents. But also my relationship with them, of course, could never be alike the one I long for. But maybe such a wish is ... only fantasy. I hope it not so.
I'm trying to imagine what it would be like, as I've only ever seen it in the third person. A friend of mine who used to be incredibly depressed even had this sort of bond with her friend, and that's often my point of reference. Whenever I would hang out with them I'd feel the closest thing to loved - but never quite, because while we were able to communicate silently very well on an emotional level, they weren't very intellectual/rational, and that puts up a barrier between certain kinds of conversation and affects the way in which you deal with your problems. They would get into fights, incredibly stupid ones where I would end up being the mediator, and they never seemed to understand my suggestions, they would become confused, as if they'd never considered anything remotely close to the idea and it confounded them, sort of like if someone asks about something astronomical and you can actually give them a correct answer, they almost ignore you; they'd rather leave what they thought was only their imagination as their imagination. "Leave us to deal with our stupid and nonsensical issues in stupid, nonsensical ways." There is no attempt even being made to reach some kind of a greater understanding or solve the issue properly.
It's often the case I find where - and this is a partial reference to something recent on RPC - less-rational people will make themselves believe that the other party doesn't understand them if they evidently aren't quite understanding what the other party is saying. They feel misunderstood because they're so used to thriving in their own sea of emotion that they refute the credibility of allowing anything that doesn't jell with their own personalised illogic aid them. Logic is a binary system that doesn't make decisions for you, rather, it helps you make better ones, and the most obvious one to me is to not do anything that can fuck you up even worse. And yet, people still do, both happy and depressed. The difference is, content people have the mental 'resources' to spend, whereas the depressed do not, they're in a dire need to escape their situation. I understand giving up hope and spending the rest of your days shooting in the dark, but to make that your primary course of action, to demand sympathy for your failure to succeed in a game of chance, to me, is reprehensible. I can empathise with their situation as a whole, I can bond with them over it, I can even understand their aversion to trying something different. If they're going to straight up deny my help because they'd rather just wave their hands in front of their face and back up, never even allowing a single part of themselves to consider it - in short, offer me no respect whatsoever, simultaneously invalidating any experience I may have ever had relating to it - then they are no better, no smarter than the idiotic jock who smirks at you for using big words or will only like you for liking the things that they like. I'm not going to taunt them like I might someone less defenseless, but the amount of admiration I hold for them is roughly equal.
I feel like a bit of an alien though, never having had someone to hug or confide in (in person, that is, and even online to some degree - I'm still afraid to fully express myself towards people). To be fair though, up until I was eleven or so, I was very unapproachable and weird.
Shrooblord wrote:I have asked you about your vocal training before, Ad, in light of this.
It's helped me, but from experience, I'm unlikely to be comfortable unless I get pitch-altering surgery, something I've been researching heavily these past few weeks (and much less-intently a few years ago). What I've discovered is that a standard procedure from what seems like the most promising doctor will raise your voice around a fifth or sixth, however, it apparently doesn't actually increase your high range. How this makes any sense I don't really know - how can you alter your default speaking pitch and timbre so much without it modifying your range?
That upset me slightly since, as a singer, I would've liked to be able to sing in a more naturally female way, something you can't simply achieve through vocal technique. But today I've been thinking about it, and the feminising timbrel difference this kind of a surgery will have on your voice must lend itself to something, maybe make your existing range have some kind of a (probably) more feminine tone. I also can't possibly imagine that it would have zero increase on your high end, but I'll be messaging the doctor shortly to see if I can get a better understanding as to how the hell that works. Regardless, simply having a more naturally female speaking voice would do me wonders. I don't want to have to speak at an unnaturally high spot, sacrificing so much potential charisma and animation, when I could for a few thousand bucks instead have it repositioned surgically. I'd live in a dumpster for a year if I could in order to make that happen, and that would save me far, far more than a mere $2000-7000.
Shrooblord wrote:The one thing I do find myself wondering, sometimes, is how much of a guy am I, really? Sure, I got the parts - I feel I fit the role, too. But this more gentle side of myself, that conflicts so with your typical 'guy attitude' - what people may label 'effeminate' - does it show that I am more receptive to things other guys ignore? Things women do not? I don't get women at all - I still have that defining guy-trait of not understanding girls in the slightest at times - but at the same time, I sometimes get them so well, because I understand their way of thinking at the time - my way of thinking.
This has been rather cathartic for me. I never put into words these feelings inside me, but it's made me realise that I feel like I'm, perhaps, some hybrid. I don't want to get weird about it... label it... I hate labels. All I mean to say is, I guess, please try to understand me. I am still the same Shroobie, after all. I'm just coming to terms with part of my identity that has - for better or for worse - before tried to hide.
Identity is as much a part of us as our orientation, it's who you are, obviously. The brain is what gives us our identity, and it's an organ with no stark physiological differences between the genders, so your question is actually a very legitimate one, free from the realm of opinion. Orientation is only understood through words. Identity requires more, that being not only a label, but a physical appearance as well, which could very well and more than likely be the one you were born into.
On that note, seeing the decision to want your body to match your identity as ridiculous is no different from seeing a gay person wanting to be called gay as ridiculous. Those desires are not caused by very different things, they both relate to hormonal imbalances and a number of other early-developmental issues relating to the brain, and your brain is the ultimate judge of your inner-identity; hormones are only advising your brain with extreme bias. Identity is almost as strong a force as sexual attraction, and suppressing that in someone is how you drive them literally mad.
-- If it sounds as though I'm explaining this to absolutely nobody, that's because it is moreorless in response to something a pretty well-known and influential member said here a couple of years ago on the topic of transsexuality as a whole which was insulting, ignorant and downright nonsensical on every level, and for the same reason the mindset described in the analogy I gave regarding orientation would be. Me bringing this up now is hardly a contending point though, because their head could very well have loosened up after all this time in the same way I'm no longer personalising the definition of 'gender'. I only felt the need to point that out specifically, since it's been bugging me ever since.
Shrooblord wrote:I really do not wish to take out this one thing you said and blow it way out of proportion, but as your friend, truly - I mean it when I say this -, as your friend, it brought me a grave shock to the heart when I read this. I know a girl who does this to herself - and I really, really shouldn't be saying this, so I'll leave it as impersonal as it gets. She's truly beautiful, in soul and in mind - but if you could see her arms... my god, if you could see her arms. The poor girl - what she does to herself, what nightmarish darkness must go through her, I cannot imagine. I fear for her life - I fear, one day, she won't be able to face her shadows, she won't see the Sun behind the temporary clouds... and she'll go too far...
In most cases, the people who do it do it as a form of self-therapy. While it's plenty obvious that people get the idea to do it from seeing others do so (unless they were creative on their own), people do it because it works. Not necessarily in the sense that it helps put them in a better place, but because it makes you feel something. You made a decision that will leave a mark for some time to come, if not permanently. Committing to something like that and knowing that it affects no one but yourself, not even your own social interaction, is something more often done by people who have willpower.
Sounds an awful lot like suicide, doesn't it? It basically is, it's a decision you cannot erase or pretend never happened. The difference is that you get a second, third and a fourth chance, and the permanent repercussions are so small that they make next to no difference in the way you live your life. That is, unless it reaches the point where you've completely covered yourself in them - but again, it's still the same thing, just with larger repercussions that will be harder to not have play a role in your life. To actually contemplate suicide requires an almost distinctly different mindset however, in the same way that tauntingly wishing death upon someone is not the same thing as actually wishing death upon them (sort of).
Shrooblord wrote:Please, I say this, you must understand, because you are my friend. And I hope to all benevolent forces possible that you need not experience such darkness. I don't want to be in fear for you. Not for my sake, but for yours. I don't wish that sort of a life upon you and, instead, I hope you can have quite the reverse. You've been through so much - I imagine there can be only more and more you haven't told us. Your tragic encounters have sometimes left me crying. They have. Writing this post has left me almost in tears again. And admittedly, yes, I am emotional and somewhat melodramatic at times - but these tears came from a broken heart. For you're such a kind, lovely soul. How tormented it is by a wicked, crazy world. And how strong you stay in spite of all of it! Resolute, even. If we were a Medieval batallion, I'd gladly call you my king.
Just know that there are other kind souls that will shield you, support you, heal you. I hope I may count myself one of them. Let me extend a helping hand. If that's all I can do, give me that, at least.
Find that creative mountain, Addy. Go stare into the ocean and the stars. Breathe. There's clean air all around you. And if you wish to cry - if ever you wish to cry -, you go right ahead and cry. Let it all out. And remember this, always: you are beautiful. You are.
I'm in an oddly neutral mood right now (if I were feeling more emotional I would probably have a more emotional response), but thank you, very much. I can't express how inspired that makes me feel. Our battalion will certainly be so in a couple of years though, a battalion of art and expression, that is!
Jewish Candy wrote:So, this is a comparatively minor quotidian convergence zone, but it is a quotidian convergence zone nonetheless so in it goes.
Writer's block. Not so much fiction, but essays. There are so many things I am itching to write about. Prescriptivism. Waxing and waning institutional control of language. Psychiatry and how it reflects the political landscape. The emerging democratisation of 'labels'. Code-switching and how its use can be radical. Style-policing. Acrolects. 'Academese'. Academic gatekeeping. Gatekeeping in general.
But far, far more than that. The above is coherent, the connections are obvious, but it's a drop in the ocean. There's so much more, SO much more. I hate how it all forms a web in my mind, my mind can preconsciously grasp how everything fits together, and it is impossible to put to paper. That's the problem. I can't separate them, but I can't combine them either. Everything is too interconnected and... it hurts. I guess it hurts emotionally because it's unsaid.
I was always good at essays in school because I had a knack for the language. And more than that, I was good at distilling and expanding concepts depending on what was required by the question. That's what essays are; judging where to go into detail, how to go into detail (densely, with filler etc.) and where not to. With most subjects I can still do that. But the things I want to write about? I struggle. I struggle even to begin typing. There's nowhere to begin. There's no code to be switched to.
I cannot dance as an outlet for emotion. It is an outlet for nothing, which is important. And art faces the same problem as writing, though crafting a successful sentence costs me next to nothing. I am a terrible poet.
I might pull out my Fortson's IE book and try some essays from that, try to at least practice the form with a subject I enjoy and feel comfortable with. I often forget just how passionate historical linguistics makes me, and how little pain is associated with it. Perhaps because it is literally fantasy: painstakingly sourced, surprisingly useful fantasy. There's something childlike, something magical about it. Well, I suppose that applies to the scientific method in general. The scientific method in the ivory tower. And once I'm done with IE I will move onto the language map of Australia, at fucking last, where Pama-Nyungan won and the politics is inescapable.
But everything is political. Grass is political. Time is fucking political. I just have to gently learn how to verbalise it.
Everything is political? Everything is an essay. As far as I'm concerned, you just wrote a dialogue-styled miniature essay on how difficult it is to know where to start an essay. Which topic do you feel strongest about? Start with that. What about the topic do you feel strongest about, and what viewpoint do you have that you really want people to hear or consider? Maybe start moulding it around that. Start out as if you're doing what you're already used to doing regularly: trying to explain something to someone through a forum, even if it's in the form of venting. Collect a number of good points that came to mind that you'd thought of while doing this pseudo-vent, and slowly but surely fact check, rationality check, and convert into essay-format.
Not sure if any of that was helpful or any less than patronising given that I myself rarely evolve past making forum posts (which sometimes end up being shittier versions of essays), but, well, writing actual essays on philosophy/perspectives isn't really my passion at the moment. I love to write, clearly, but becoming confident enough in what I have to say so as to feel it's publication-worthy is not something I'm wanting put so much time and effort in to right now.
Jewish Candy wrote:I cannot dance as an outlet for emotion. It is an outlet for nothing, which is important.
Care to explain this? I'm curious what you mean.
MLII wrote:alright while we're doing great big clumps of sad here goes
idk it's just a lot of things have been bothering me lately like as a sort of group? i think the main problem would be my gender identity. at this point i honestly do not know any more.
i guess at a base level i'm female, and my peers consider me so (and continually misgender me because i'm too fucking nervous to tell them my pronouns) (one of them has gone off my completely just because i like girls so) and i guess i feel closer to female than male but then is that because that's how i was raised? is it a product of literally everyone saying i'm a girl? i just don't know whether i feel that in myself or not. sometimes i do but sometimes i don't and i don't know if that's normal or if i'm just pratting around trying to be a genderless being floating through space, if i'm no better than those people on tumblr who identify as glitter and use sparkleself pronouns. X:
Believe me, I could not feel for you more right now, I've been like this for the last five or six years, and I still don't know for certain. It's a stressful issue that can really hamper your motivation and make you feel so confused, largely because any ultimate decisions you can make as a result of it are, well, expensive and permanent. If you could just go ahead and live the way you wanted, wouldn't life be so much easier?
I guess the thing we can be thankful for - and it makes me legitimately happy - is that we live in a time where we can do something about it, and we can live the way we want to. Those before us, even twenty years ago, had far fewer resources at hand and basically had to either deal with mediocre, hardly passable solutions or suck it up. This doesn't only go for medical technology, it goes for things like our social environment as well, the LGBT community and acceptance. You're looked down on by the vast majority if you don't acknowledge it as an unadulterated way of life, and rightfully so.
Remember too that those tumblr people are only reinforcing that, despite often missing the point. If you feel strongly enough about it to actually write up posts about it here with real questions as to what you should do, your feelings are perfectly valid.
MLII wrote:speaking of which the way this girl's treating me is fucking me over. she raised a huge fuss bc i liked her selfie on facebook and that's Erm apparently, and she made a huge deal over me being a Well You Know But You Know It's Alright A Lot Of My Friends Are last time i saw her. i want to be her friend i don't want to fucking sleep with her?? the only person making this awkward is her.
also she'll say hi if she sees me and it's just her or her and someone else from our class but when she's with her other friends she'll literally ignore me?? like even if i speak to her? thanks hollie i wasn't aware i was only good enough for you half the time
An extremely common thing with some people actually. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't value you, it could mean that she enjoys your company for different reasons than she enjoys those other friends'. Sometimes two groups don't mix so well, just like with me and my friend's other friends that I'd brought up a page or two ago. Though, as I've gotten older I've had less trouble inserting myself into a social situation, as opposed to waiting for someone to come up and talk to me, so it's become less of a problem, even if only by a bit.
MLII wrote:i'm starting to get a lot of shit at college for basic things (a girl in my creative writing class found my ao3 and straight up told me she was judging me) it's my hobbies and appearance etc. i can barely walk into my creative writing class without somebody pointing out something?? then there's james who's a dick to begin with and likes calling girls sluts and famously said "i'd rather die than fuck a tranny". he also called me a bitch who needs to keep her fucking mouth shut because he was screaming at archie and i told him to calm down.
He sounds like a stupid cunt and you should ignore him… unless it's in your power to make him look like a fool, that'd be just as good!
MLII wrote:also i'm not doing well in my classes to begin with- i got a d on my politics mock, a u in my graphics mock and last time i handed in coursework for performance studies i got a c which isn't bad but 2/3 of my teachers dislike me (one of which because i'm A queer and B related to my brother) so i'm kind of worried about bias.
i got an A+ in creative writing but that's beside the point
Which, while practically speaking can be a hamper for getting into University I suppose (or however that British stuff works), it isn't a disagreeable position, the school system is really stupid.
People seem so set on believing that in order to get where you want, it's inherent and therefore ethical that you have to go through a bunch of shit you don't want to, but that's honestly a load of crap. People should be recognised through their ability and their ability alone, and if that means all they're good at is writing (for instance), then that should be their contribution to society, and they should be able to make a living off of it. I don't have an issue with what schools teach, especially since it's free (though for the love of god, please let there be more art studies), but it should give you nothing more than knowledge itself. If you don't have a passion and as such have nothing to work hard at, work hard at school, you have all the time in the world to do that with nothing to lose. Completing it will give you the knowledge you need to get a decent-paying job anywhere.
^This is totally hypothetical by the way, the world doesn't work like this even though it really should.
Shrooblord wrote:Bloody fucking Hell. I think I've adequately set the tone now.
My roommate's been up all night since 23:30 playing goddamned League. What's so bad about playing LoL in the depths of the night? An sich, nothing. But if you're my roommate, you're gonna be playing with your friend.
On Skype. Talking.
I've asked the fucker three times now. It's three AM and I haven't had any good shut-eye because of it. Now I stormed down and sort of lost my temper. This time I demanded he let me get my sleep. He agreed and then sighed under his breath to his friend, thinking I wouldn't hear. Then it took ten more minutes of talking before he says "GG". The match is over.
But I made a mistake. Instead of asking a full stop, I sugested he went into his room and continued there. He proceeded to make the loudest departure I ever heard, complete with ramming the chair into my drumkit, which is temporarily here after a nearby gig, (thanks), fist-slamming on the table and throwing things I couldn't make out with forceful noise and smashing. Then he ripped the plug of his laptop out of the outlet, went into his room and turned his light on. But he didn't turn the one off that shone directly into my face. Oh, no. That would be kind. That would be considerate. That would be respecting my space.
And that's the last thing you should do, respect Shrooblord's space. And now he's bloody well talking at full volume just to spite me.
I need a hug. Legit, I think I may cry.
I've got to move. What a tosspot.
What a fucking motherfucker. Let this song adequately describe the situation, with you on drums; they're speaking to him too:
Who is he and why did you get a room with him? Is there more to him than being a selfish asshat, at least to you?
And out of curiosity, was his weirdly violent reaction done with that sort of neutral "I'm committing to doing this and making a point without saying anything" expression, or was it with him yelling and swearing too? Did you try and stop him?
Thanks, Ad, for taking the time to respond so thoroughly to everyone here. It says a lot about you as a person not only that you're willing, but that you are able. Everything Shroob has said about you is true, you know - and I hope you do know, though I can imagine how difficult that may be. You are a role model in many ways to a good number of us here, of all ages, and a beautiful flower of a human being.
I was originally writing something long in support of a number of things you said - but in all honesty it got too dark and too, well, potentially triggering and I will not take risks with such subjects, so that's all gone in the bin. So I'll just respond in brief to one of your questions.
Dance as a vessel for nothing... how to explain it? When you dance you are eliminating the 'mind-body' binary that is instilled in us culturally, possibly to a greater extent than is acheived with athletics because dance is art. Perhaps for some that is experienced as the body channeling emotion; for me and for every other dancer I know, it is the mind channeling muscle and movement. You're gone, yet more present than before. You become nothing and as that nothing you heal. It's not escapism, but prescription - a palliative that over time aids recovery. I don't know, maybe this explanation complicates things?
Jewish Candy wrote:but in all honesty it got too dark and too, well, potentially triggering and I will not take risks with such subjects, so that's all gone in the bin.
You don't have to worry about that, nothing well-intentioned would effect me. It's cruelty being spat in my face that does.
Jewish Candy wrote:Dance as a vessel for nothing... how to explain it? When you dance you are eliminating the 'mind-body' binary that is instilled in us culturally, possibly to a greater extent than is acheived with athletics because dance is art. Perhaps for some that is experienced as the body channeling emotion; for me and for every other dancer I know, it is the mind channeling muscle and movement. You're gone, yet more present than before. You become nothing and as that nothing you heal. It's not escapism, but prescription - a palliative that over time aids recovery. I don't know, maybe this explanation complicates things?
Ah, I see what you mean, sort of like yoga or meditation?
I suppose it depends on the dancer. Whilst I've done absolutely nothing formal relating to dance before, my initial thought is that, for me, it would be the mind channeling emotion. But is it that different than the alternative? Another way you could describe the channeling is allowing your body movements to link to the rawest parts of your mind, whether that's observing the movements of a meditative state or those of a fiercely impassioned one. Allowing your body to become an accessible brain scan output is almost how I'd imagine it.
I wasn't just thinking of you when I decided not to post my giant wall of text (though I'm glad you'd be okay with that), there are a number of people on here who I'd worry about...
Hmm, that's the thing though, I know that I don't do what you just suggested there. I know that, while there are dance traditions that heavily utilise that conception (Butoh comes to mind), for me to dance that would be mutilation. When you go to a club, do you claw at your skin, do you tear yourself until there's nothing left to bleed from? I don't. No, when I dance I'm just letting my body do what it is always doing - recieving signals from itself. The rawest parts of my mind become irrelevant, they're chemicals and sparks just like everything else.
Dance comes in many forms, and community dance is just as important as art dance. It's not like I completely disconnect from emotion, any more than I get lost in it... it can be meditative, it can be intense, but it can also be making my butt wibble like a jelly. And the 'nothing' is in all of those things.
So, I'm not saying dance can't channel emotion; just that I can't use dance to do that. I use it for other purposes. Bleh, why is this so hard to explicationise XD
Ah, I see exactly what you mean regarding both dance and the first paragraph. Not sure how I didn't pick up on them initially, it could be because I'm tired from once again not having slept for 22 hours now, though this time it's in an attempt to fix my sleep schedule.
Hum, long time I haven't been here. Some people say I'm spending most of my time and effort in this topic, but it's not the case right now (you know, tons of real-life business).
Well, I'll try to give some answers.
Shrooblord wrote:Bloody fucking Hell. I think I've adequately set the tone now.
My roommate's been up all night since 23:30 playing goddamned League. What's so bad about playing LoL in the depths of the night? An sich, nothing. But if you're my roommate, you're gonna be playing with your friend.
On Skype. Talking.
I've asked the fucker three times now. It's three AM and I haven't had any good shut-eye because of it. Now I stormed down and sort of lost my temper. This time I demanded he let me get my sleep. He agreed and then sighed under his breath to his friend, thinking I wouldn't hear. Then it took ten more minutes of talking before he says "GG". The match is over.
But I made a mistake. Instead of asking a full stop, I sugested he went into his room and continued there. He proceeded to make the loudest departure I ever heard, complete with ramming the chair into my drumkit, which is temporarily here after a nearby gig, (thanks), fist-slamming on the table and throwing things I couldn't make out with forceful noise and smashing. Then he ripped the plug of his laptop out of the outlet, went into his room and turned his light on. But he didn't turn the one off that shone directly into my face. Oh, no. That would be kind. That would be considerate. That would be respecting my space.
And that's the last thing you should do, respect Shrooblord's space. And now he's bloody well talking at full volume just to spite me.
I need a hug. Legit, I think I may cry.
I've got to move. What a tosspot.
Another big hug for you.
Jeez', what a rude person he can be. Personnally, I annoyed a few people (including my mother) because I was playing late during night at the same game (or another) and mouse-clicking very loudly. Skype-ing is even worse, some of my friends got caught and yelled at by their parents because of that.
But it's okay if you stop calling or playing too loudly after somebody told you you were annoying them and they couldn't sleep because of that. The real deal is when they can't stop. In that case, there should be something done about it.
Problem with video games is that they are used as a way to blow-off some steam while most of them clearly aren't designed for that. You had a shitty day? Let's relax by playing games. But your session is not going well so you're even more pissed off by it. I'm still putting myself in that situation from time to time.
I hope he apologized for that. Being that rude is not an excuse even when you are angry.
I also hope I'm not annoying you too much while playing with you : my English is quite terrible while I'm playing because I have to focus on two different types of things at the same time. The last time we played was nice, though. I hope we would be able to play together in the future again.
Jewish Candy wrote:But far, far more than that. The above is coherent, the connections are obvious, but it's a drop in the ocean. There's so much more, SO much more. I hate how it all forms a web in my mind, my mind can preconsciously grasp how everything fits together, and it is impossible to put to paper. That's the problem. I can't separate them, but I can't combine them either. Everything is too interconnected and... it hurts. I guess it hurts emotionally because it's unsaid.
Dealing with the same thing here: I've been trying to write a very huge story I've imagined over the past six or seven years. But it's very connected to my feelings and emotions, and most of the time it's a representation of a very strong idea and/or concept I'm working around. Giving a concrete aspect to this kind of feeling is quite hard. I've started a short novel last year abotuone of my characters so I could focus more on her. But narrowing the story is maybe still not enough.
Shrooblord wrote:But I look for someone to share my more intimate side with. I am incredibly emotional, but guys are always telling you to, always expected to by society, by nature, to 'shrug it off' or let it slide 'like water off a duck's back' (one of my dad's expressions). I see girl friends hug each other profusely, walk arm in arm, hand in hand - sharing physical contact of simply a friendly nature -- one I can never experience... because I'm a 'guy'. Only my hypothetical girlfriend would share with me such contact - and believe you me, I'd treasure it, as well as all other contact with her, like nothing in this world (I have done before with my girlfriend I had then).
People asking you to conform and not hug them...I would hug all my friends everytime I would meet them if I could.
I'm actually kissing my best friend and hugging another good friend of mine each time we meet each other. It's not...something I consider weird: I'm a very hug kind of guy, but I try to avoid showing it directly to people I barely know. Instead, while I'm thinking about it, once I would know people a bit more (and they would know me a bit more), I'm trying the 'uuuh, should we hug/kiss/shake each other's hand?' approach. It's very effective, and it has had close to zero impact on my social relations lately. I guess I'm getting used to it and learnt it with time.
People are simply not used to guys being emotional, or they can't just differenciate this attitude from 'being a girl'. Ugh, that simple thought is quite annoying: just because of culture, women are the only ones being emotional, and men are the only ones who can repress their emotions and who are able to control them. You know what? Fuck the culture.
Shrooblord wrote:The one thing I do find myself wondering, sometimes, is how much of a guy am I, really? Sure, I got the parts - I feel I fit the role, too. But this more gentle side of myself, that conflicts so with your typical 'guy attitude' - what people may label 'effeminate' - does it show that I am more receptive to things other guys ignore? Things women do not? I don't get women at all - I still have that defining guy-trait of not understanding girls in the slightest at times - but at the same time, I sometimes get them so well, because I understand their way of thinking at the time - my way of thinking.
I would say 'the most common' rather than 'typical'. As Ad' said a few posts later, nowadays people have tools they can use to do things they wouldn't have been able to a few decades ago. One of them being the fact that it's much easier to find people having lesser and lesser common things with others but having these very ones with you. Before, yo uwould just wish you could find people thinking or behaving like you in your country or your region. Today, you still want to find a very little amount of people who can understand you, but there are way more people you can reach through all the tools we now have.
Hmm, going away from my original answer...
Yes, you are more receptive to things other guys ignore. Or women ignore. The only things or feelings or emotions which have a gender or are gender-related are some organisms and what people think they should be associated with a gender. If you consider something outside of the purpose/definition other people gave to it, then you can choose whatever gender you would like to give to it...based upon your own experience and feelings, of course. Okay, there is an issue with culture influencing these, making my own point meaningless. But I tried!
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I have a 'strange' way od dealing with the pressure, stress and everything, and blowing-off steam (outside of 'classic stuff'): I'm dreaming.
The psychologist teacher I had a few years ago was talking about hypersomnia (I maybe mentioned this long ago, as it somewhat triggered one of the weirdest periods of my life), where I would breathe less when not excited enough, so my brain wouldn't be fueled by enough oxygen and go into a standby-mode, therefore triggering "dream" sequences. I don't think it's a complete explanation: this phenomenom seems to occur only if I'm very passive or bored by something, while the other one is way more powerful.
I would dream of other realms, where another person, from another race, with another age, gender, background, etc...but still a personification of me, would go around, make friends, face a lot of hardships, and still come out on top with a lot of things to look back at. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm not simply (and endlessly) regretting all the moments of my life where I could have done things way better, or not fail them, or not fail people I care about. I would dream to forget these numerous failures, forgive myself, and think about possible successes and positive outcomes.
My life hasn't been a failure so far: I obtained a degree, I found a job, I'm earning a good amount of money. I was even able to deal with my social issues, make friends, and find love. But I can't help myself but thinking it could be so much more, and be sad about it.
Is it bad, already having an "okay" life with a good amount of success, and be asking for more? I can't find an answer to that. My teacher would say that my little sister disappearing only two months after her birth impacted my family a lot, but my father told me it's much more complicated than that, and that sometimes only us can find the real answer. Now, I'm thinking about my regrets possibly being an image of the sadness coming from the fact I will never be able to know what this sister would have been.
Meanwhile, I'm still dreaming. As I said earlier, some of these dreams are very inspired and are not heavily based on other fictions, thus giving me the courage to try writing them. I haven't been writing a lot lately, I've been very busy. But maybe I should continue, maybe it will help me find the real answer to my strange way to dealing with everything harmful around me...
Adsolution wrote:Who is he and why did you get a room with him? Is there more to him than being a selfish asshat, at least to you?
He was my best friend from high school. We had wild plans about getting a house together and basically having a permanent sleep-over party as we always used to have staying up all night playing games or making music and having a great time. But as soon as we moved in together, he turned. He has a dark side that he hid from me and saved for his parents back home, but since I basically replaced the position of his parents - that being 'the other person in the house' -, I now got to experience that dark side. And though whatever made me like him in the first place is definitely still there, that pure well has all but been spoilt rotten by the venomous dark side he apparently has.
God I hate talking about people in this manner. It makes me feel so evil - even if it's just venting. Calling them twisted, poisonous... how could you say such a thing about another human? And yet, my soul sings these words... terrible.
Adsolution wrote:And out of curiosity, was his weirdly violent reaction done with that sort of neutral "I'm committing to doing this and making a point without saying anything" expression, or was it with him yelling and swearing too? Did you try and stop him?
He wasn't yelling and swearing. I didn't care to look down and see his expression (you see, I sleep on a bed high up with a ladder and have a window that looks down into the next room where he was). But I imagine it's the same look he had when he flipped me off the other day when I said something about his two-hour long whining and complaining finally getting a bit boring (as you can imagine) and then lying about ever flipping me off.
saerleiya wrote:I hope he apologized for that. Being that rude is not an excuse even when you are angry.
Why would he ever apologise? He is perfection incarnate. I am but an obstacle in his territory. Seriously - I wonder how he even considers me his friend. I guess I'm alright because I pay half of the bills.
Sorry I had to boon myself for triggering such raw cynicism.
I also hope I'm not annoying you too much while playing with you : my English is quite terrible while I'm playing because I have to focus on two different types of things at the same time. The last time we played was nice, though. I hope we would be able to play together in the future again.
Are you kidding? I love playing with you. ^u^
I'm trying the 'uuuh, should we hug/kiss/shake each other's hand?' approach. It's very effective, and it has had close to zero impact on my social relations lately.
Coincidentally I did this just yesterday and I only just read your post now. x)
You being unhappy about the way your life is right now, Saer, does not necessarily mean you're greedy for more. You feel unaccomplished, maybe? There's more you want to achieve in your life. That's a good thing! Strike for the stars, my friend! But in your adventure, don't ever forget to put your two feet back on the ground and realise what you already have. Maybe looking more closely to what makes you happy now, will keep you happy later.
Okay so there's this girl. We've been talking for years, on and off. We've always liked one another, but we've never even met. She was a friend of a friend. The problem is, I have reservations because she's had a bad past and it just makes me doubt her. But she is consistently really kind & sweet... We've got close to meeting up so many times but it's never happened. We're talking again about it, and I'm not really sure whether to go for it or not. very mixed feelings
Well, you shouldn't go for a steady relationship (I somehow got the feeling you're talking about this kind of "like" - correct me if I got it wrong) with someone you don't trust, simple as that. Either way, if you're unsure about it, maybe you should try to confront her with her past; not like going all out immediately, but maybe step by step getting her to explain herself. Hearing her reasons or finding out that she had a change of heart may change your mind.
If you'd like to hear my personal opinion: Humans are bound to make mistakes, so even if someone has had a bad past, they should deserve a second chance. Whether you'll give that to her or not is entirely your decision.
And that's about all the advice I can give you on this matter, sorry. :/
Prfft, so I have this Latin presentation Tuesday and a classmate, whom I detest extremely, and I were supposed to come together and finish our preparations for it.
We had agreed that he'd sent me an e-mail with a proposition for a date. So anyway, I responded it was best to try and finish this weekend.
That was Wednesday. It's past midnight now, so technically it's Sunday and I still haven't heard back from him.
If he doesn't respond to my new mail either, I will probably be doing all the work, and he'd probably be mad at me, since that wasn't what we agreed on.
I'm going to explode, literally and figuratively, if he doesn't respond to my mail.
If he doesn't, I hope he'll get an appropriate grades.
Worst part is, somewhere deep down I hope he doesn't reply... God, I detest that kid...
aaaaa i hate it when people do that to me ono have you heard from them yet?
time for more mlii moaning
- i am convinced i am not neurotypical. what i am i do not know. i already know i have type one adhd (more inattentive than hyperactive) but idk if there's something else? i've been told a few times i come off like i have aspergers but idk maybe that's just people trying to be mean :L (not that that's an insult obv) (some people just think it is)
i have noticed my hands tend to move when they're not supposed to? i typo a lot because they just sort of idk. i go to hit a key and my finger just sort of nopes and moves to another one. and occasionally i just sort of shiver or my hands jerk or something. like what's that about. i am considering the possibility of it being tourette's now that i know that tourette's involves that sort of thing (thanks patb!) but on the other hand i don't have any vocal tics so i'm not sure how valid that is and also i'm not a big lover of self diagnosing.
i also sometimes have sort of idk depersonalisation issues? in the sense that i tend to think a lot about the fact that i'm here and i'm me and i'm not anyone else and it tends to make me feel a bit weird i guess. like either A my life is totally orchastrated or B that i'm the only person and everyone else is just sort of there for me to interact with??? if that makes any sense lmao. i have problems reacting to things because it feels like it's not actually happening and the status quo will be restored. my mom just lost her job and i was only upset bc she was. my main thought was eh it ok she'll find another one. life goes on as normal.
and when it doesn't it kind of freaks me the fuck not ngl.
- i am trying to get into a fandom but one of the most popular pairings is middled aged (and incredibly manipulative) antagonist / obviously prepubescant child (and very sheltered/naive) protagonist. this is the reason i originally left this fandom and as much as i want to contribute to it (the fandom) this sort of thing makes me very uncomfortable. a lot of people in the community don't even bother to age him up. i wouldn't have a problem shipping this character (apart from the fact that everyone bar one person in this show is far too old for him) but not. like. that. wtf.
generally i could probably ignore it being that's it's more on ff.net and dA than on places like ao3 (there are only 2 works for it on ao3 ehehehe) but idk seeing it bothers me.
and when it's not that it's aforementioned antagonist/older and more experienced w the world BUT OBVIOUSLY STILL A CHILD antagonist. please do not fandom. please cease. usually i can handle people's ships even if i don't ship them (read: the entire wander over yonder fandom) but there is a line.
- i have so much homework and so little time or motivation to do it.
(thank u for all the nice things people said about my other complaining. i did read it. O: i just cba right now to construct a decent reply, if i'm to be totally honest.)
People who use autism or aspergers as an insult deserve a kick up the backside and more besides.
MLII wrote:i also sometimes have sort of idk depersonalisation issues? in the sense that i tend to think a lot about the fact that i'm here and i'm me and i'm not anyone else and it tends to make me feel a bit weird i guess. like either A my life is totally orchastrated or B that i'm the only person and everyone else is just sort of there for me to interact with??? if that makes any sense lmao. i have problems reacting to things because it feels like it's not actually happening and the status quo will be restored. my mom just lost her job and i was only upset bc she was. my main thought was eh it ok she'll find another one. life goes on as normal.
and when it doesn't it kind of freaks me the fuck not ngl.
That sounds like a form of derealisation to me, where it's reality rather than your sense of self that becomes shaky, though the two conditions can blend a lot. Do you think it's a cognitive issue - ie., it results from conscious processes like a philosophical outlook - or the other way round? I think you've mentioned this before in pluses/minuses, and expressed worry that it meant you were manipulative as a result... Do you have any desire to get these things assessed professionally?
I focus on this because I recently had a pretty dramatic depersonalisation episode, which has shone a light on how my other conditions link together, including my collapses. In any case, I hope you find a satisfying explanation.
I'm not sure if i...can. uxu not for a while, anyway! i don't want my parents knowing in case they raise a fuss about me being anything apart from neurotypical (my mom seemed fine with the adhd but she also says she doesn't want me getting it like officially diagnosed* because then i'd have to declare it and i wouldn't be able to get a job)
i think i'm just too caught in my own personal routine to really accept there could be anything else. O: maybe that's why i got sick when i started college.
and yes BLEH to the fandom issue indeed. it shouldn't bug me because people can ship want they want but it bothers me so much omfg
Well, I can see where your mum is coming from. Sometimes official diagnoses can result in stigma, loss of opportunity, plus there's the problem of misdiagnosis - and I guess we have it drummed into us from an early age that Neurodivergence Is Bad, so perhaps that could also be behind any 'fuss' she might make. But at the same time, a diagnosis can be an avenue to effective treatment or mechanisms for living, even a community that gets what you're experiencing. I balk at ideas like 'professional help' being made mandatory for benefits and in general have a pretty low opinion of psychiatry, but there's still a lot of good that can come from finding the right person and the right treatment. It's a tightrope to walk, but in a year you'll be old enough to operate without parental permission. In the meantime, have a big hug ooooooh
People can ship who they want and they can also be called out on their worrying, predatory ships.
This is the place for long posts, don't apologise. I'm sorry you've got all that going on, you sound like you know some jerks. Even if each individual thing seems small, when combined they can become this, as you say, 'big clump of sad'. It's okay to have questions about your identity, though of course that doesn't necessarily make it any easier! Many virtual hugs are offered if you feel like 'em.
