Friendship, love et cetera

Luckily, things have gone on the upside for me lately, managed to patch things up with a friend I was having on and off arguments and with the combination of reassurance from friends, my false views of me having no social skills and no friends has managed to disappear along with my depression for now. It's a bit of a vicious cycle though, in order to have confidence I need friends, but my mind tells my I have no friends, therefore I become lonely and depressed, the truth hiding from me behing a wall I've built subconsciously. And there's no win situation for me since the cycle will only reset again eventually.

Perhaps it has to do with my adolescence, but either way I'm hoping the shit will eventually get blown away from rather than at the fan, I just need to ignore the attacks of my sub-conscious in order to sort all of this out and slowly put myself in the outgoing, socializing position I was in over three-to-four years ago.

But it all feels like a distant fantasy.
 
Things are shaping up quite nicely for me as well. Parents have surprisingly toned down about their dislikes about me (Though I'm kinda scared that'll come back when my brother leaves and I'm the only son they focus on. It's clear my mother has a stronger bond with him and will expect me to replace that.), I've met new people and taken stuff a step further with one, and overall I just feel a million times better in comparison with the past two years or so. Opened myself up to new interests, been more willing to make myself presentable and I've changed as a person as well. I'm not sure if it showed here but if I suddenly went back to how I was a year back you'd probably noticed that a majority of the time I had a really pessimistic attitude and wasn't a very supportive person.

And I'm glad about it all really, happy I'm not turning out like my brother who's completely falling away while being lonely and has a really ignorant and judgmental look at things. He's the type of person who, if he were an architect, he'd build the most basic structure possible because that's the actually useful aspect of it, and making that building look good is just pointless luxury. If that makes sense. I feel bad for him.
 
spiraldoor said:
Shrooblord said:
You could well be in need of the right environment; 'lack of social skills' disappears completely when you're in a place where there's loads of people who are in tune with you.
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This only happens if you make it happen. I know people who became more awkward and anti-social as they grew up and went to college.
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Yes. My father once said that "Good things will happen, if you create the opportunity." You must create the opportunity - go to a party once in a while even if you feel more like hanging around at home, for example. But let me give you a more solid example of what I meant to say:

At my secondary school, I noticed that I was the only one who viewed things the way I do, the only one who really got 100% of the jokes of a specific sort and the only one who looked at things less bluntly than most people around me. I explained that aspect of myself with my bi-linguality; by growing up with two different languages, by learning of two different ways to look at the world from the start (the way we use words most definitely influences the way we see things, even if we don't think it does - and I can tell in myself, even, that that is true), I had a more open view of the world that allowed me to not have only one perspective. And I was absolutely fine with that - everyone is as they are and I liked everyone for who they were. I didn't feel alone, either, if that's what you think I mean.
But once I went to college and got into the student union I'm now in, I found hundreds (literally) of equally-minded people. Apparently there are others who think like I do (I mean, of course, I knew there would be, somewhere on this planet) - and not just think like I do a bit, but a lot. I feel so very at home there, it's amazing - you can't imagine how much that means to a person until you've been in such a place yourself, one such place where you enjoy literally everyone because you're all in tune with one another. It's fantastic and I encourage everyone and anyone to go out there and find that place, because, I'm sure, there's such a place for everyone, somewhere. And it could be in the place you'd least expect it; I've lived in this city for the full eighteen years of my life and only since half a year ago do I know these things I know now.

Anyway, maybe I'm derailing a bit; go out there and hang out with people you enjoy being around. Basically, just have fun! ;)
 
So I've been fighting with a friend who's been pissed by me leaving their lunch table, because apparently there's not enough teen angst in my life. Right, me leaving suddenly definitely came off as a dick move, but I wasn't intentionally trying to hurt anyone's feelings, I don't think before I act. I can understand their anger though, the people at the table put me under their wing and made me feel loved when I was at my weakest point; they protected me during my most vulnerable period. Oh, but what do I do? I leave. Typical me.

And so I tried to point out to the one I was fighting with that another person who was at our table left as well, and they replied "I don't mind, at least he's not a douchebag who's been crying for the past two years, complaining that none of us understand him", later adding, "Oh, and [Insert name] is mature about his decisions".

Ouch.

And it's funny how true it all is.
 
Well then, I guess I should consider myself lucky that the lot I was with usually went to the library or just hung out trying not to get sent to the yard.
 
I found myself roaming more often than not. Hardly anyone had it out for me and most people would let me just wander in and out of their groups, but all the drama happened around the lunch tables for some reason.

The second people started shit-talking people from other groups I'd occasionally pop into I would quietly wander away because no thank u
 
That would be my situation as well, even though I have tables where I sit at for a long period of time. I don't really belong to one group, I just go around to different groups because unlike them I understand that you shouldn't judge a person by their looks or tastes and so I can easily talk to anyone else as long as they're not an asshole.

At first I mainly stuck to my own groups, then there was that awkward year in which I did the former and had an angsty "lol fuck u i r rebel n stick only wit my group" attitude at the same time, and after that I began to accept everyone and I became the eager wanderer.

And the lesson being that cliques are unnecessary bullshit that only add to the drama.
 
Master said:
Well then, I guess I should consider myself lucky that the lot I was with usually went to the library or just hung out trying not to get sent to the yard.
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Actually the American system is ridiculous when it comes to free time. My previous school offered us 25 minutes of lunch during which you were not allowed to leave the tables unless you has permission from teacher, whom would actually write down their signature on a paper that you'd have to carry to proof you were allowed to be walking. Oh yeah, tons of joy. It's pretty much the same with my current one, just not the fucking papers.
 
Hm, that does sound pretty awful indeed, at least we could go outside and stretch our legs and whatnot.
Though I'll admit, the lot in my old high school library were right arses at times, we were barred entry at times and my year group got banned from the library at one point, which didn't make things easy.
 
The staff tends to bitch about us being up all over the place and throwing food around and goofing off in general, but ultimately we do everything they hate nearly every day without getting much attention. Actually, during this school year and the last I've only sat at tables that constantly goof off, throw food, drop f-bombs (often times in front of teachers on accident), wander around and have random visitors as well and at one table we did eventually get in trouble but we came back together not that long later.

TL;DR: we take advantage of the situation causing us to technically overpower the staff stealthily.
 
I don't like the American system and, frankly, I don't see why it has to be this way. The place I attend right now is a school for people who have either majorly failed their most recent school year or stayed home because of depression/other reasons (I'm not here for that kinda stuff though). Pretty much 100% are just people who failed though, but it shouldn't be just for them, this should be the school system of the country.

I feel like at an American school there's this rank system that's being pushed: You are the student who needs to be quiet, and the higher rank is teacher and don't you dare do anything like talking back to them because they are higher than you. Over here are kids who I know my teachers at my old school would hate and be unable to keep in control while here they manage to get tons of work done because they are treated like humans. Teachers interact with students in a way that's much more friendly and I feel incredibly comfortable around them. Some allow swearing, some allow use of phones during class, some students like teachers enough to sit with them during lunch and overall there's just a very calm and relaxed atmosphere. The work is frustrating and it's pretty flawed at times because I don't feel like anything sticks with me once I no longer need to know it, but I'd pay money to be able to stay here. The biggest problem with American schools is the unnecessary strictness. It's a surprise if you have a teacher that allows you to go to the fucking toilet during class. All it takes is a little more freedom and patience to improve things hugely. American schools are too much about shaping people into absolute fucking robots and it's no surprise that during lunch or buss rides they go ape shit with energy. Though I'm sure it was also partly just my old school because they specifically had an awful way to handle things and my friend is considering moving to a different one.
 
Dark Lum Lord said:
So I've been fighting with a friend who's been pissed by me leaving their lunch table, because apparently there's not enough teen angst in my life. Right, me leaving suddenly definitely came off as a dick move, but I wasn't intentionally trying to hurt anyone's feelings, I don't think before I act. I can understand their anger though, the people at the table put me under their wing and made me feel loved when I was at my weakest point; they protected me during my most vulnerable period. Oh, but what do I do? I leave. Typical me.

And so I tried to point out to the one I was fighting with that another person who was at our table left as well, and they replied "I don't mind, at least he's not a douchebag who's been crying for the past two years, complaining that none of us understand him", later adding, "Oh, and [Insert name] is mature about his decisions".

Ouch.

And it's funny how true it all is.
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This somewhat reminds me of a soul destroying experience I had earlier this year, and is part of the reason why I'm mostly a very apathetic, indifferent, and shallow person right now, as people may have noticed.
 
Right, well things have been on the upside for me. Lately I've been able to break that awful fucking wall surrounding me; I talked with many and I'm glad I finally got the guts to do it, I broke the vicious cycle. That cycle being: withdraw due to depression or social anxiety, feel extremely lonely and fall further into the pit of toxic depression, cut off access from others by not talking due to severe social anxiety; repeat.

Onto a different topic though, let's take a moment to talk about the whole "Love at first sight" shit - like others have said it's just a dumbed down form of attraction (likely sexual or of a different form) mistaken as love. At the moment I have these feelings for about three people.
 
sonicbrawler182 said:
This somewhat reminds me of a soul destroying experience I had earlier this year, and is part of the reason why I'm mostly a very apathetic, indifferent, and shallow person right now, as people may have noticed.
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Come on, you can't just say that and not tell us what happened!
 
spiraldoor said:
sonicbrawler182 said:
This somewhat reminds me of a soul destroying experience I had earlier this year, and is part of the reason why I'm mostly a very apathetic, indifferent, and shallow person right now, as people may have noticed.
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Come on, you can't just say that and not tell us what happened!
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nope life went 2 fast for me 2 do that

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Hm. I have a fairly decent social life, though it takes me a while to make friends in new locations, especially in a new school where virtually everyone knows each other.

However, my best (or ex-best) friend is intermittently responding to my texts. It makes it really fucking annoying to communicate with him, since more than half the time, I don't even get a fucking response!! I'm also quite friendly in my responses, which makes the situation even worse, since he doesn't know how pissed off I am at him.
 
I honestly can't believe how selfish I can be at times, I always yearn for more. For example, one day I might have great friends who help me laugh and protect me in various ways, the next I'll leave them without looking back and claiming that they never attempted to talk to me and left me all by myself. Recently I've actquired the magical skill of not being a cunt, thankfully. For once I smacked the shit out of my self-defeating mind and opened up my eyes to realize that there actually are people who care about me and that I should return that care and I can already feel all that bullshit from last year gasping for air as I choke it to death.
 
Slogbait said:
The second people started shit-talking people from other groups I'd occasionally pop into I would quietly wander away because no thank u
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At our school, the worst that happened was that the same people always got picked out for those 'punch-on-the-shoulder' kind of boy's jokes, y'know? When I read all of this, I realise how lucky I've been growing up in such an environment...
 
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