- Messages
- 2,618
- Tings
- 12,670
<Personal shit that nobody cares about/only to be read if extremely wasted, scroll along/>
Speaking of relationships, I've had my fair share of crushes (read: all ended rather terribly) but I've never been in a relationship because I'm not ready for commitment and I feel like that's best left for high school. Perhaps in two-to-three years I will be. But even when I am ready I'll more than likely still have trouble getting into a relationship considering the fact that my friendship with all of my previous crushes have crashed and burn - causing me too be deathly afraid to admit my feelings to crushes anymore in order to spare myself from any possible catastrophe.
It's not just with crushes, but I have trouble in the friend department as well. I have a large circle of acquaintances, minor friends, or people who I otherwise have some sort of tie with, but a somewhat small circle of close friends and I used to wonder why. Looking back on it though, it makes sense since I basically have nada in the social skills department and I'm just awkward in general. But I still manage to attract people towards me because of my humorous and goof-off nature, and my mysterious trait. I rarely talk to people in class if I'm not close with or acquainted with, nor do I even talk to the teacher - even if I'm by people I know or am comfortable with while in a typically crowded class setting I'll quiet down more because I can't handle being around so many people. I'm also afraid of people who I'm not close with even hearing me speak, strange actually, I guess I'm just extremely self-conscious and also shakily 'fraid of others judging me - yet I also don't give two shits about others' opinions in many other cases.
I also feel like when I'm at my breaking point and paranoid that others don't like me or ar abandoning me I tend to put a tighter grip on them which might scare some off for awhile, but not permanently. Also, my quiet, introverted, and socially anxious ways both garner attention towards me and steer me clear of all attention at the same time. Some don't care for me, seeing me as more of an object rather than a human being simply because I'm awkward and they've likely never heard me speak and therefore assume that I'm boring, or even mentally retarded. Yes. They treat as if I'm idiotic simply because I don't talk - to them, at least; I talk non-stop with some. That, and of course people in middle school tend to blindly follow cliques in an attempt to be individualistic, failing to realize that they've never been less individualistic at that point - that and the price of not doing so is usually being cast off as a loner like me - so naturally many of them act as though I'm thin air.
Speaking of the clique issue, most would put me in with the ["emo"/"rebel"/"loner"/whatever the fuck sort of name you find to suit] blindly - without knowing me - since it's convenient, whereas I feel that I don't belong to any group because I cycle between them and have friends from evey group. I'm hoping high school will be an improvement but at the same time I'm fearing my ever-nearing days of high school since people of the grades ahead of me used to bully me back in sixth and seventh. That being said though, there seems to be an extreme with our superiors - most are either extremely brutal or surprisingly kind. While this is true for most grades there seems to be a much larger emphasis of that rule with them.
/shit nobody cares about
Speaking of relationships, I've had my fair share of crushes (read: all ended rather terribly) but I've never been in a relationship because I'm not ready for commitment and I feel like that's best left for high school. Perhaps in two-to-three years I will be. But even when I am ready I'll more than likely still have trouble getting into a relationship considering the fact that my friendship with all of my previous crushes have crashed and burn - causing me too be deathly afraid to admit my feelings to crushes anymore in order to spare myself from any possible catastrophe.
It's not just with crushes, but I have trouble in the friend department as well. I have a large circle of acquaintances, minor friends, or people who I otherwise have some sort of tie with, but a somewhat small circle of close friends and I used to wonder why. Looking back on it though, it makes sense since I basically have nada in the social skills department and I'm just awkward in general. But I still manage to attract people towards me because of my humorous and goof-off nature, and my mysterious trait. I rarely talk to people in class if I'm not close with or acquainted with, nor do I even talk to the teacher - even if I'm by people I know or am comfortable with while in a typically crowded class setting I'll quiet down more because I can't handle being around so many people. I'm also afraid of people who I'm not close with even hearing me speak, strange actually, I guess I'm just extremely self-conscious and also shakily 'fraid of others judging me - yet I also don't give two shits about others' opinions in many other cases.
I also feel like when I'm at my breaking point and paranoid that others don't like me or ar abandoning me I tend to put a tighter grip on them which might scare some off for awhile, but not permanently. Also, my quiet, introverted, and socially anxious ways both garner attention towards me and steer me clear of all attention at the same time. Some don't care for me, seeing me as more of an object rather than a human being simply because I'm awkward and they've likely never heard me speak and therefore assume that I'm boring, or even mentally retarded. Yes. They treat as if I'm idiotic simply because I don't talk - to them, at least; I talk non-stop with some. That, and of course people in middle school tend to blindly follow cliques in an attempt to be individualistic, failing to realize that they've never been less individualistic at that point - that and the price of not doing so is usually being cast off as a loner like me - so naturally many of them act as though I'm thin air.
Speaking of the clique issue, most would put me in with the ["emo"/"rebel"/"loner"/whatever the fuck sort of name you find to suit] blindly - without knowing me - since it's convenient, whereas I feel that I don't belong to any group because I cycle between them and have friends from evey group. I'm hoping high school will be an improvement but at the same time I'm fearing my ever-nearing days of high school since people of the grades ahead of me used to bully me back in sixth and seventh. That being said though, there seems to be an extreme with our superiors - most are either extremely brutal or surprisingly kind. While this is true for most grades there seems to be a much larger emphasis of that rule with them.
/shit nobody cares about
